The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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Series 4, Episode 5: Carrie
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And now we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags.
Then a familiar figure cutting through the crowds, walking toward us with a deliberate and confident stride, looking up toward our raised camera and delivering her opening patter with a growing confidence. It’s Charley – and she almost seems like a professional BBC presenter now ... We sense she’s been taking lessons from some of her new celebrity friends the tabloids can’t stop talking about.
I say ‘almost like a professional BBC presenter’ because she still can’t quite get the outfit right. She looks more like a try-hard slut than a serious tv host – and don’t we all love her for that! Today it’s a figure hugging, knee length dress, in look-at-me fire-engine red, and with her big fake boobs doing their best to spill out of the plunging neckline, she’s got plenty of market traders and customers looking-at-her...
She speaks directly to camera as she approaches, “Welcome to the United Kingdom of Zoo. I’m Charley Ozvik, and I’m travelling the length and breadth of the country for you, looking for the kind of ladies who won’t let society, morals or the law get in the way of living out their dreams...”
The title, “THE UNITED KINGDOM OF ZOO” flashes up on screen over a graphic showing the UK, with little pins appearing, each pin representing a location we’ve either visited, or will be visiting in this series. A pin is flashing right over the capital today, indicating that we’re in London this week...
We fade back in on Charley as she approaches the pretty purple and white store front of “NAUGHTY CUPCAKES”, a boutique cake-shop that’s doing a roaring trade. Inside there are two women serving, we look at them both briefly, wondering if this is our subject...
Charley speaks clearly enough for everyone in the shop to hear every word she says... “This week we’re in Brixton in South London to meet a young lady who has conquered the business world over the last couple of years and is hoping to conquer her fears and desires today...”
She walks through to the rear of the shop, unchallenged by the shop staff – into the kitchen, where we find a tall, very thin, blonde. She’s wearing a cooking apron over a t-shirt and a pair of shorts. As she moves around we can see she’s not wearing a bra under the t-shirt, her small titties jiggling. She has flour on her face, no make-up. Naturally pretty with a slight Gwyneth Paltrow vibe – intelligent but with a little helter-skelter look behind the eyes. She’s been cooking since before dawn, maybe she’s just tired.
She looks up at the camera and smiles as she mixes another batch of cake batter. “Erm ... Carrie Ramage, 41. I’m from Brixton in South London, well, I’m from Maidstone in Kent actually, but I live and work here now...”
Charley’s interview technique is still fairly rough. Still not sure whether he should be looking at her guest or at the camera, so alternating between the two as she asks the questions. At least she’s now figured out to look at her guest as she answers.
Carrie continues preparing the cakes. “I’ve no idea why I’m here. I don’t know why I applied. It’s not something I think about. About five years ago, I was very unhappy, and I told myself, just do what you feel like doing, follow your instincts ... I left my husband, quit my job ... I opened this place on a hunch, it’s doing very well ... And I watched your show one time – just one – and it was very erotic ... I don’t know why ... And at the end of the show they asked for applications for the next series, and I went right to the webpage and applied – then I forgot about it until I got a phone call from you...” She indicates Charley, who smiles and nods when she is mentioned.
“So dogs aren’t your thing?” Asks Charley.
“No ... Not at all. I don’t even like dogs. They scare me ... I’m not even a particularly sexual person. I’ve only slept with a few men in my whole life...” She shrugs. “I’ve no idea why I applied.”
“You’re having second thoughts?”
She looks like she is, but – “No ... I applied for a reason, I just don’t know what it was ... I need to follow through and find out.”
“So, for the sake of clarity, can you confirm for us why we are here today?”
“Yes ... I want you to record me having sex with a dog – because I need to know what happens next.”
“What do you think happens next?”
She smiles again, a lop-sided smile that suggests we are idiots for asking the question. “I try not to think about that ... I really don’t know ... Maybe I find a new way of life ... Maybe I run away to India out of shame and start helping starving children ... I’ll know when I’ve done it.”
“So if everything goes well today, do you think it will change your life?”
Carrie looks sideways at Charley, as if she thinks the young slut is an idiot for asking the question. “Well, I certainly hope so, otherwise why would I be here?” She leaves the question hanging for an awkward second. Charley looks from Carrie to the camera as if to say ‘cut’, and we do...
Cut to the street outside ... It’s darker and the shops are all closed ... One man and his dog are walking toward us. He’s slim and friendly looking, the dog oversized and scary. It’s Bernard from Birmingham and his huge Great Dane, Dino.
Back in the shop – with the blinds down blocking out the outside world, the lights off ... In the back, in the kitchen area, all of the lights are on. Racks of supplies have been put away, prep tables have been pushed against one wall and stack on top of each other. There’s a decent space on the floor here, and Carrie is standing in the middle of it, arms folded defensively across her chest. Cameras set up around the periphery of the room.
Charley sits on one of the kitchen benches, microphone in hand, ready to continue with the interview. “You say this isn’t a sexual thing, but you’re about to get naked, and get very sexual, with an animal ... On camera...” She asks. “Are you not even a little bit excited by the prospect?”
Carrie pauses whilst she thinks about her answer. She smiles a little as she gets her own answer. “Yes ... Yes, I think I am. It’s a little bit sexy to think of it ... What I’m about to do ... And knowing that you are all watching me too...”
“Turned on?” Asks Charley, holding the microphone out for Carrie’s reply.
“I wouldn’t say ‘turned on’, but, I’m excited...” She replies. “It’s something new.”
She slips off her flat shoes, pushes them to one side with her toe. Takes hold of the bottom of her t-shirt and, in a very matter-of-fact, unsexy way, peels it up and over her head revealing a pale, slim body and a little white half cup bra.
Then she unbuttons her shorts and pushes them down her legs, showing off white briefs that match her bra, and a pale, narrow bottom that matches her body.
She pauses like this, allowing us to look at her semi-naked body. It’s nice enough, a little skinny, a little lacking in shape, but attractive none-the-less.
“There’s going to be a big dog here any second...” Says Charley, as if trying to stir some emotional or sexual energy from our guest. “And he’s coming here to fuck you...” She pauses. “And I can’t wait...”
Carrie smiles a little as she contemplates it, still not looking like a woman about to have the wildest sexual experience of her life, but at least she’s smiling as she reaches back and unclips that little bra, freeing her small breasts, and lobbing it over to the side of the room. Her boobs are small and a little pointy, with small, flat nipples. She looks down at them and suddenly seems a little self-conscious, bringing a hand to each boob. Not hiding them, but rather pinching the nipples and pulling on them a little. “I look sexless ... Like a bloody ice-queen...” She says as she continues to pinch and pull, slowly waking her little nipples up. “Contrary to how this looks, I AM looking forward to this!” – but the look on her face really does suggest that she’s not sure about it.
There’s a bit of noise from the shop beyond the kitchen, and some chatter from the crew outside. Charley states the obvious. “I think that our star attraction has just arrived...”
All eyes turn to the entrance from shop to kitchen – we hear him first, big toe nails clicking and scraping on the polished concrete floor. Then Dino walks into view – huge and hairy. A magnificent example of a Great Dane. Huge head held high, huge mouth slightly open, huge tongue hanging out. Happy and, hopefully, horny...
“Oh bloody Jesus!” Gasps Carrie, staggering backwards a little. Genuinely shocked. Then, muffled from behind a hand clamped over her mouth to hide either her horror, or perhaps just surprise, it’s hard to tell. “I didn’t expect that!”
She’s staring at Dino, looking more terrified the closer it gets to her – and the closer she gets to having to have sex with it. Right now her brief little panties are all that separate her from being ‘ready’ for action ... We get the impression that she would put her clothes back on if she could.
Carrie looks from the dog to the camera, lowers her hand to reveal a taught smile – forced, trying to look confident. “He’s a monster, isn’t he?” She stammers. “I thought, perhaps, I’d get a Labrador, or something a little ‘friendlier’”
“Dino can be very friendly ... Just wait and see...” Jokes Charley with a friendly, but slightly mischievous smile.
Dino’s nails click on the floor as he takes slow, deliberate steps over to the corner of the room that Carrie has backed herself into. She puts out her hands to greet him and protect herself, allowing him to push his big head between them and then uses both to rub his scalp and ears and push him away at the same time. “My, he’s a beast...” She says, not taking her eyes off him, keeping those hands on his head and sort of fighting against his advances.
Charley continues sitting on the bench, staying out of the way, but continues the interview in a loud voice. “You’re looking a bit nervous there, Carrie ... Having second thoughts?”
“I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t...” Carrie says between strained pushes on Dino’s big head as he pushes toward her, then backs off, turns around, and comes back at her. He takes her shoves as playful, thinking this is all fun foreplay. “But I’ve not changed my mind ... This is something I need to do – even if it does scare the piss out of me!”
“And is that the effect he’s having on you?” Asks Charley.
Carrie looks up from the dog, her hands on either side of the Dane’s head. “Oh yes ... I’m scared stiff of him...” She pauses, moving her hands around a little on the sides of his head. “But at the same time ... He’s very handsome ... I’m looking forward to having him ... Well, just having him...” She lets out a little laugh. A stress relief, but also a moment of realisation that she DOES want him.
“Well, what are you waiting for, girl ... He’s right there, and he clearly wants to have you...” Jokes Charley.
We cut to a few minutes later. We’ve repositioned to the floor, and Dino has been laid down on his side so that Carrie can have a little more control. She’s kneeling behind his back, one hand on his neck, the other on his flank, stroking and rubbing down toward his belly. She still looks nervous, but there’s a healthy dose of curiosity about her face too.
With him stretched out next to her she looks quite small, and particularly slender next to his bulk. Charley crouches next to them to add more scale – we’ve seen Charley under this beast before, so we know how big he is. She suggests that Carrie, “Just start by giving Dino’s belly a little rub...”
Carrie does this, slowly building confidence and familiarity with the animal. “Now just have a little feel of his sheath...” Which Carrie does, transitioning from belly rubs to sheath stroking and rubbing ... Her breathing changing noticeably as she first feels his dick. She strokes and rubs him for a few seconds, before we mix through to a little later ... Charley suggesting that she, “Now take a gentle grip on the shaft and give him a little wank ... Just like wanking a man...”
Carrie takes the dog’s large shaft, still in the sheath, in her hand and grips it, “Oh, that’s quite warm...”, then begins to jerk it, a few times, then a fast little burst, then stopping. Charley encourages her, “That’s it ... Keep going...” Which inspires Carrie to do it again, this time resulting in an “Ohhhhh!” as the fat tip of his cock pops into view, shiny and glistening. Carrie immediately begins to pull back on the sheath to expose more of the pink shaft, holding her breath as 4 inches of prime semi-erect Great Dane cock slides into view... “Oooh goodness ... That’s ... Beautiful...” She whispers, lost in the moment.
“Would you like to suck it?” Asks Charley. We get the feeling that if Carrie doesn’t want to, Charley certainly does.
Carrie looks from the dog’s cock to Charley, “You know, I don’t usually do that ... I’ve never been into cock sucking ... It’s so ... Demeaning...”
Charley laughs a little, “Silly girl ... It’s the only thing that makes men worth spending time with! Go on, give it a suck ... You know you want to...”
Carrie caves in a little, letting a little smile cross her face ... Accepting she’s going to do it. Amazing herself a little. “Okay ... But just for a minute...”
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Footage through a car window, looking out at a twilight sky and a virtually empty motorway ahead ... There’s a car in the distance ahead of us, an occasional car or truck coming the other way, passing us at speed, nothing like you’d expect from a busy rush hour motorway. Then we’re looking down at the driver from a high angle, corner mounted GoPro. The driver, as you’d expect, is the cleavage heavy, filthy looking pornstar-esque Charley Ozvik, the face of the British bestiality business, and...
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As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
We open with our beautiful animated shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Then our cartoon, top heavy tattooed version of Charley appears, floating in the sky with us, winking and smiling - then waving for us to follow her as she turns and falls toward the country at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit toward the northern part of England, all the way down to a large old city of Sheffield right in the middle, in just a few seconds. Our animated Charley leads us all the...
Series 9, Episode 16: Sienna Triosi (24), from Ipswich We open with a shot of a very boring, street two-up two-down terraced houses. Small paved front yards provide off street parking for a couple of small cars each. And then, walking up the street toward us – the chunky figure of our favourite Cockney wideboy, Dennis, and beside him the sleek, narrow figure of his mean looking, hard-loving, but ultimately very well-behaved Doberman, Casanova. We track backwards as he walks – keeping him...
Series 3, Episode 10: Stacy On one side of the street a row of pre-War three-story buildings – shopfront downstairs, residential apartment/flats above. On the other side of the street, modern four/five level office buildings, and an old train station with a sign outside that reads, “Welcome to Enfield Chase”. We’re in North London to meet our next subject, and she’s a subject who’s worth meeting. Back to those shopfronts – one in particular – Hair By Hottinger. A modest hair and beauty...
Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...
Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...
We’re cruising along a wide and quiet suburban street. Green lawns stretch back from the pavement to the nice semi-detached homes. There’s a slim woman walking a large dog along the side of the road, and we pan around to look at her as we pass – it’s no-one we know, but we kind of wish we did! Then we’re looking forward again – seeing an intersection infront of us ... Then pulling up, looking out of the side window right at a single story, flat-roofed building. A sign outside reads,...