The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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Series 5, Episode 11: Hannah Smith (21) – Newcastle
We open with our beautiful shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then our cartoon version of Charley, our top heavy host appears, floating with us for a second before she waves for us to follow her as she dives down toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit to sea level over the North Sea, off the north-east coast, in just a few seconds.
From here we race toward the coast, a beach, up a river, to the iconic Tyne Bridge, then at high speed through streets to a shopping mall, Eldon Square, bursting through a doorway, out of the animation and into real life, as we race up to a young woman in tight white jeans and a PVC bustier top cut so low that her firm young tits are almost spilling out of it ... Our animated Charley comes to a sudden halt infront of her, almost skidding on the shiny floor (our best bit of animation yet). Of course, the girl doesn’t see the animation, and she’s not a good actress, so she fails to react to the arrival of this bodacious cartoon.
Our guest is not bad looking at all, although her heavy make-up and bleach job make her look a bit slutty. Other than her cleavage, the first thing we notice are her lips. BJ lips. Big and fat, pushed out a little. They look just about natural, as does that cleavage. The bleach blonde hair is long and straight, hanging down over her shoulders.
Cartoon Charley introduces herself, “Hi, I’m Charley, what’s your name... ?” Then smiles and nods as the new girl introduces herself. Speaking with a strong Geordie accent, and in a tone that suggests she’s not too bright, “Hello, I’m Hannah Smith, I’m 21 year old and I’m from Newcastle-upon-Tyne.” Her voice rising on ‘Newcastle-upon-Tyne’, suggesting that she thinks this is some kind of achievement to be celebrated. “I like to show off ... I love to be watched ... And I want everyone to watch me fuck a dog on tv!”
We cut to a montage of her hanging around the shopping mall; frequently having to pull the top of that bustier up to make sure those firm 36B boobs don’t pop out in public, laughing; shopping (and bending away from camera to check out items on low shelves – showing off that tight little arse of hers). She’s clearly a dirty little minx! This is all intercut with footage of her being interviewed in close-up at home, and occasional photographs of her in school uniform, her with ex-boyfriends, etc.
She speaks at high speed over the top of these clips.
“I’ve always liked being the centre of attention. I like acting and singing, bein’ on stage, and that ... I’d like to be famous, like. I did some modellin’ when I was a kid, always enjoyed having all the cameras pointed at me and everyone fussin’ over me ... Never grew out of it. I wouldn’t mind bein’ a fashion model or summit like that...”
She has neither the looks, nor the poise, to make it at the top level - but she’s not bad.
“What I really want is to be on tv, and I don’t care what I have to do to be on, like. So that’s why I’m here ... It’s not like I think much of dogs, like. But I love the cameras ... And I love a good hard shag.” She laughs out loud. “And from what I’ve seen, your dogs shag really hard...”
We end on her smiling a very broad, white toothed smile – before we cut to our studios in Manchester.
The corner of our set is made up to look a teenager’s bedroom – king single bed, with Newcastle United branded sheets and covers spread neatly over it, similarly branded pillow cases on two large pillows. etc. There’s even a poster of the current Newcastle United football club squad on the wall, along with a Jonas Brothers poster, and a big UK of Zoo “Casanova” poster. One could almost believe that this is Hannah’s bedroom rather than a set – if it wasn’t for the lights, microphones, and camera tri-pods around the bed, or the fact that as soon as we begin to turn around the walls of the room stop and the cold concrete of the studio begins.
We cut to the street outside and see a car pulling up and turning into our small car park. It parks in the guest space, then the doors almost explode open and two loud, laughing and confident young women jump out, gossiping the while time. It’s Hannah and her best friend, who we’ll meet in a minute. The friend isn’t too shabby to look at, but she’s not in Hannah’s league.
Hannah is wearing that white mini-dress again and she takes the opportunity pop the top down, her strapless bra with it, to flash her tits at the camera as she walks toward the studio – which cracks her friend up. As they walk past us and head through the doors, her friend reaches around behind her and pulls Hannah’s mini-skirt up to give us a quick flash of her bum (the string of her g-string only just visible). Hannah slaps her hand away, but both of them laugh about it.
We cut to inside our studio, Hannah and her friend enter, walk through reception waving at no-one in particular, announcing their arrival. “We’re here ... Don’t worry, the Geordie’s have arrived!”, and then giggling as they head down the corridor, shoving each other playfully as they head toward the real Charley Ozvik.
Charley is wearing a low-cut, tight white mini-dress, not unlike the one Hannah is in. She’s marking her territory – making it quite clear that she wears it better ... Her fake boobs are more impressive than Hannah’s natural pair, and of course she carries her highly eye-catching “WORLD’S BIGGEST DOGWHORE” chest tattoo to grab everyone’s attention.
“Hello there ... Welcome to the United Kingdom of Zoo...” She says, giving Sammy a friendly hug, letting her fake tits mash up against the smaller woman. “I’m your host, Charley, and you are... ?”
“I’m Hannah Smith, and this is my friend Mandy.”
Charley turns toward Mandy. “And why have you come with Hannah today? Are you a bit canine curious yourself?”
Mandy shakes her head, twisting her face up in faux-disgust. “Never ... I’m just here to make sure she gets home in one piece.”
Charley continues, to Mandy, “Is she a bit of a wild one?”
“Fuckin’ filthy.” Replies Mandy. “She’s never met a cock she didn’t like!”
Hannah flicks her the V’s and Mandy responds by blowing her a sarcastic kiss.
Charley points at the door behind her, “This door leads through to your future ... Once you step through it, the world will see that you are a dogslut, and everything will change ... Are you ready for that?”
Mandy interrupts quickly with, “Everyone she knows already knows she’s a total slut, so it won’t make much difference, like!” She laughs at herself. Hannah hits her on the shoulder, but also laughs. “That’s true, like!”
We cut to a shot Hannah posing with Charley, side by side, clashing hairstyles. Hannah is all natural but manages to present herself in a very fake way – whereas Charley, as we know, is completely fake, but comes across as a very genuine (albeit very dirty) babe. Mandy snaps a picture of them on her phone, then – before they break the pose, turns around and includes herself in the frame.
We cut to her Instagram feed and see the picture, captioned, “With Hannah and Charley at #UKofZOO”
On the set – the door opens and Hannah walks through, seeing the set for the first time – followed by Mandy.
She sees the bed with it’s Newcastle United branded covers and she looks even happier than before. Shouting “Toon Army!” and holding her hands in the air. Mandy joins in, slightly less enthusiastically. “Toon Arrrrrrr-maaaayy!”
A few seconds later, Hannah standing infront of the bed, facing up to the camera. Charley speaking from behind the camera now. “What are your expectations for the next hour or so?”
“Y’ know ... I just want to have fun, and look good doin’ it!” She says with a smile, trying to look ‘smouldering’ as she answers.
“Do you have a favourite dog?” Charley asks.
Hannah looks a bit blank. “Nah, not really ... Just as long as it’s a dog and it knars what it’s doin’ ... And not too big, because I don’t want to disappear under it, like.” She pauses – then points at herself. “I’m the star today! Not the dog!!”
As if to prove a point, she reaches down and takes the hem of her mini-dress, then peels the whole thing up her body, over her boobs, over her shoulders, and head, and off – but the dress catches in her long hair and takes a second to pull free. That brief delay is just enough to make her look awkward rather than in complete control...
Without the dress her body looks tight and pale – a white g-string wrapped around narrow hips, covering virtually nothing, and a white strapless bra barely containing her firm but not oversized tits.
She pauses for a few seconds to tie her hair back and up, wrapping it around itself to keep her face clear. She wants everyone to see everything she does.
“I want to be fucked, and I want to suck his cock ... And, erm, anything else you ask me to do ... I’ll do anything!” She smiles.
“We know!” Calls Mandy from off camera. “Dirty bella!”
Charley steps into frame and points off camera – directing the camera to pan around... “Let’s see who we’ve got for you today...” The camera spins around to look at the big loading bay door as it squeaks and rolls open a few feet ... Daylight pours in from outside, then is partially blocked as two figures enter. One is tall and fat, the other short and slim. Man and dog ... They approach, gradually coming out of the light and we see that it’s Cockney geezer Dennis and Casanova, his highly trained Doberman. They walk over toward the set, side-by-side. Hannah is on her feet beside the bed, an excited look on her face, moving from foot to foot, trying to suppress her smile. Her boobs jiggle in her bra every time she moves. Casanova pulls against Dennis, pulling him across the studio to the set, right up to Hannah’s feet. She gets increasingly excited as he gets closer. Barely able to look away from him, other than a quick flashed look over to Mandy – who is breathing heavily off to the side of the set.
“She’s a bit of alright this one...” Says Denis with a smile. He looks down at his dog, “I think we’re gonna enjoy this one, Cas.”
Dennis stops short of her, letting his dog pull against the lead to try and close the last few feet. Hannah stands just out of reach, looking down at him. Anticipating. “He looks fucking terrifying!” She says, smiling rather than looking scared. “I like it...”
Still looking down at the dog she reaches back and unhooks the back of her bra, lets it fall away, freeing a lovely pair of 34B boobs, small nipples ... Cute. Then the g-string, a thumb in each hip and slid down her slim legs. The first thing we notice is the complete lack of pussy hair.
“Shaved or waxed?” Charley asks.
Hannah runs a hand over her smooth pubis. “Waxed ... I like a good waxin’ ... Hurts a bit mind, but I like that too...”
Casanova strains against his chain even harder, his front paws barely touching the floor as Dennis holds him back from the young Geordie slut.
“He’s keen, I’n he?” Jokes Mandy from the side of the set.
“They all are, hun.” Replies Hannah confidently. “Once they see me with me clobber off anything with a cock’s gaggin’ for it!”
“You don’t need a cock to gag for that...” Charley jokes from behind the camera.
“Awww, thanks hun...” Smiles Hannah. “But yer not my type, like.”
Charley takes the (rare) rejection in her stride, “But, er, HE is... ?”
The camera angles down to look at the sleek Doberman who’s desperate to get at the little blonde. Then back up to see her face – a cheeky smile, “Well ... I wouldn’t say no, like...”
We cut to a shot of Hannah on the floor, getting comfortable, on her knees, bent forward, one hand on the floor, reaching back behind her with the other to cover her arse-crack... “I’m ready ... But no anal! Nor on a first date, like!”
Off camera – Mandy cracks up. “Aye, right ... Like yer ever said no to anything!”
We cut to see Dennis as he unhooks Casanova’s chain and gives the beast an extra hard rub on the head and the back of his neck. “Go on, boy ... Give ‘er one for me while your at it!”
The dog pads straight over to Hannah and sniffs at her hair. She turns her head toward him, keeping her lips tight together but clearly chasing a kiss ... He licks her briefly, but doesn’t really show any interest in her face before moving away to sniff at her shoulder, the takes a couple of steps down toward her rear, sniffing the air, then sniffing at her butt – before moving quickly around behind her once he has homed in on the smell he’s interested in ... Dropping a little to get his snout between her thighs – and starting to lick at her pussy...
She quickly moves that hand away from her bum to rest on it, gasping a little from the licking, then giggling, turning her head toward Mandy and cracking into more of an outright laugh – only stopping because the dog’s tongue ceases to amuse and begins to arouse ... Her pussy beginning to tingle immediately, making her gasp. “Oh that’s fucking lush...”
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As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
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Series 3, Episode 10: Stacy On one side of the street a row of pre-War three-story buildings – shopfront downstairs, residential apartment/flats above. On the other side of the street, modern four/five level office buildings, and an old train station with a sign outside that reads, “Welcome to Enfield Chase”. We’re in North London to meet our next subject, and she’s a subject who’s worth meeting. Back to those shopfronts – one in particular – Hair By Hottinger. A modest hair and beauty...
Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...
Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...
We’re cruising along a wide and quiet suburban street. Green lawns stretch back from the pavement to the nice semi-detached homes. There’s a slim woman walking a large dog along the side of the road, and we pan around to look at her as we pass – it’s no-one we know, but we kind of wish we did! Then we’re looking forward again – seeing an intersection infront of us ... Then pulling up, looking out of the side window right at a single story, flat-roofed building. A sign outside reads,...