The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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Series 5, Episode 10: Alison Latham (47) – Wolverhampton
We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole country in one shot. Then our very cartoonish, top heavy and slutty caricature of Charley appears infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” Then she waves for us to follow her, turns and skydives toward the country below at super-sonic speed.
We follow her, often getting looks right up her skirt, as she drops from a low-Earth orbit toward the middle of the country, heading towards a large city, falling all the way to ground level in a built up area of low-rise office blocks, in just a few seconds.
When we hit ground level we immediately switch to live-action and move through the crowded street toward one of the office blocks. As we move our cartoon host appears to be pushing through the crowds, but they are clearly avoiding the camera rather than this non-existent host.
We break through the pedestrians and an out of breath cartoon Charley, with her hair out of place, comes to a halt next to a nicely dressed, respectable, middle-aged woman who has been waiting for us.
She’s pleasant without being a beauty queen (perhaps in her youth) with long curly dirty blonde hair tied back in a ponytail. She has a smile that suggests she buries a large part of her personality when she’s out in public, and we’re about to find out more about that, obviously...
The cartoon figure says, “Hello there, what’s your name... ?” Then smiles and nods as the lady introduces herself. Speaking with a slight black-country accent, but with a well-educated, respectable tone, “Hello, my name is Alison Latham, and I’m 47 years old ... Er ... From Wolverhampton ... And ... I’m very very bored ... And very, very horny...”
We cut to a montage of her inside that tower block, visiting her husband’s office at a law firm; joking with his secretary and talking to one of his business partners. This is intercut with footage of her being interviewed at home in close-up, and occasional photographs of her family, etc.
She monologues her story over the top of these clips.
“I’m married to Marcus ... He’s a solicitor. He’s actually senior partner in a law firm here in Wolverhampton. Doing very well for himself. He’s a good father – we’ve got two children, one of each ... And he’s ... Well, he’s probably what you would call a good husband. He’s never bossed me around, he’s always supportive, he lets me lead my life...”
“I’ve had affairs, I’ve not been overly discreet about them, and he knows about it ... He keeps forgiving me – saying that as long as I’m there for him, he can stand the occasional aberration.”
“The thing is ... I know he loves me, but I can’t stop thinking that he just finds me convenient. I’m always there. I’ll always be there. I look after the house and the kids ... I can host a good party ... Entertain clients ... Sometimes I feel like I’m a glorified member of staff, rather than a wife ... Like he loves me, but he doesn’t really care about me as a woman, only as a housewife ... I want to do something to shake him up ... To make him angry ... I want him to call me names and shout at me – because then I’d know he really cares.”
“I think that if I have sex with a dog – he’ll HAVE to address it. If I do it on your show, on television, and everyone sees it ... He can’t just blow that off and forgive me. He has to say something ... And then I’ll find out if he really loves me, or if I’m too embarrassing.”
Off camera, someone asks her if she is actually turned on by dogs... “I like dogs ... Love dogs ... I don’t really think about them as sexual beings, but I’ve seen your show, and there’s something about it. It’s so very very dirty ... Even the women who want to do it, and have fun doing it ... You can sense their humiliation when they do it ... And I want that. I want to be humiliated, because then maybe he’ll be humiliated too...”
She smiles nervously and weakly into camera, and then we cut to our studios in Manchester.
The corner of our set is made up to look a bedroom – double bed with a large wooden headboard. White sheets spread neatly over the mattress, neat red blankets over the sheets. Everything tucked in perfectly.
There are filming lights already set up around the bed, microphones, lights, etc. A lighting tech is just finishing up. The only thing that’s missing is a woman on the bed, and a dog to fuck her.
We cut to the street outside and watch as a taxi pulls up outside the studio – there’s a pause – then the cab rolls forward and pulls into the car park and comes to a halt in the newly designated guest parking spot.
Alison climbs out of the rear of the cab. She’s looking neat and tidy with a tight white blouse and a neat knee length skirt – both of which she straightens out.
Right after she gets out, the driver’s side door opens, and the driver emerges. He’s a middle-aged turban wearing Indian guy with a hefty beer belly. Alison walks toward the building and the driver follows, pausing to lock his taxi with the keyring remote.
Inside our building, Alison walks along the corridor from front office to studio, taxi driver following just behind – past pictures on the wall representing many of our previous guests, and our host Charley ... And at the end of the corridor, she comes face to face with Charley in the flesh.
“Hi there, I’m Charley Ozvik – and you must be ... Alison?” She says with a smile as she greets Alison with a polite little hug and air kisses on both cheeks. She completely ignores the taxi driver.
“I hear you are here to be humiliated...” She says, and Alison nods.
“Yes ... And to have a little fun if I can ... But mainly I just want to show my husband – and the world, that I’m a dirty dirty slut ... That’s why I’ve brought Abdul here...”
The taxi driver tries to correct her, saying, “Akal”, but neither Alison or Charley cares.
“Well,” Says Charley, “I don’t know about humiliation ... For me there’s nothing but joy through this door – but perhaps if you enjoy it enough, it’s be enough to humiliate your husband into the reaction you’re seeking...”
Alison nods and smiles hopefully. “Yes ... I think that would be perfect...”
Charley steps out of the way, opening the door as she does. “Please, be our guest, step into the United Kingdom of Zoo...”
Alison smiles and steps through the door.
We cut to a shot of Alison standing infront of the bed on the set. She smiling as she unbuttons the front of her blouse to reveal a white bra within – a good serving of cleavage exposed. It looks like a nice firm pair, but we’ll have to wait for the bra to come off to find out how they really look.
“Are you excited?” Charley asks from off camera.
Alison moves onto her skirt, unzipping it at the side as she considers her answer. “Erm, yes ... I think I am.” She continues as she slips the skirt down her smooth thighs and off. “I was looking forward to coming here for a number of reasons – but the closer I’ve got to this ... Right now ... The more I’ve started getting excited about actually doing this...”
“Having sex with a dog?” Confirms Charley.
Alison straightens up, white panties, white bra and a cheeky smile. “Yeah, that.”
She looks good – she looks almost 50, but she looks good.
Without any fanfare she unhooks her bra and slips it off, freeing those boobs. They sag a little, but not much. A full C-cup. Perhaps a little too full – good plastic surgery? We don’t ask and she doesn’t tell. Our fans will debate it online for months.
“Make love, or fuck?” Charley asks.
Alison barely even pauses, “Fuck. Definitely fuck.” She confirms. Then again, “I want to be fucked by a dog. Hard.” She takes a big breath and then she slips her panties down and off, showing off her clean shaven pussy.
We make her wait for a few seconds, naked on camera, alone, four cameras pointed at her ... Then – the familiar cranking sound of the set door winding open, and we cut to see...
Two familiar figures – a woman dressed in a tight and short red dress, Carol, and a big black long-haired German Shepherd, Rebel. Carol offers a proud smile as she leads the large beast onto the set – and he walks obediently by her side. As soon as he sees Alison he starts to wag his tail wildly and pulls against his mistress ... Heaving her along with him. “Calm down ya daft bugger!” She orders him, ineffectively.
We cut to a few moments later, with Alison now sitting on the edge of the bed and Rebel standing infront of her, straining against his lead. She runs her fingertips from her knees along her thighs up to her groin, then up over her belly to her boobs – around and under them ... Then to her nipples, which she plays with gently. She looks up at the camera, then back down at the dog.
“This is a very erotic moment in a woman’s life...” She says, looking at the dog but talking to us. “The first time you look at a new partner ... The moment you decide to give yourself to him...” She smiles. “It doesn’t make much of a difference whether it’s a random bloke, or a big fucking dog!”
Carol moves forward, letting Rebel move close enough for Alison to stroke, rub and generally gently fuss over his big head and strong neck. Very careful, full of anticipation. “He’s actually very gentle.” She says, looking up at Carol, a little smile.
Carol confirms that he can be very gentle, but also, “When he’s in the mood – he’s as rough as they get...” She smiles, a twisted little smile. “I think it’s fair to say that he gives a girl the kind of treatment she deserves!”
Alison leans back on the bed, and spreads her legs. “Come on then ... Give me what I deserve ... Let’s see if you like pussy...”
Rebel steps forward and shows that he certainly loves the taste of it. Slopping his big tongue over her cunt. “Oooohhhhhh, that’s ... Mmmnnnnnn.” She moans. Running her fingers up and down her body, over her boobs and belly.
She looks very relaxed, very comfortable. Getting as comfortable as possible, letting the hairy beast lick her flesh. He doesn’t limit himself to her pussy – slopping over her thighs, digging his nose under her arse, licking the folds where bum meets thigh, or where thigh meets groin, as much as he licks at her pussy lips.
He doesn’t lick for long though – Carol snaps his lead back and makes him back away ... Then bends forward and unhooks him, freeing him to charge forward and jump up onto the bed beside Alison, making her instinctively roll away from him to be safe from his big paws.
She quickly rolls back toward him, steadying him with one hand on his collar and reaching under his belly with the other. Flashing a quick smile to camera, then focussing on the dog again. Her hand under his sheath, cupping it, playing with it. Feeling the hardening shaft within the furry pouch.
We cut briefly to the taxi driver, not sure whether to believe his luck, turning away from the action then back to face it, a big smile on his face.
Alison looks up at us as she continues to play with the dark-haired dog’s shaft. “It’s so big! Is this going to get much bigger? It’s scary and exciting at the same time!!” She half laughs.
“You better believe it.” States Carol, watching on as this new slut fondles her dog.
Alison adjusts her position on the bed, from kneeling over him and reaching under his chest, to laying on her back beside him, angling her upper body under him, looking up at his sheath as she fondles it – drawing it back to show off the purplish tip of his cock inside.
“Oh, you see this on the tv screen and it never looks this exciting ... I’m ... My heart is beating so fast, and I haven’t even started yet...” She says, providing a commentary for everyone at home. “I can’t wait to feel this in me, to taste it...” She realises what she’s said, and where she is – her mouth just inches from a semi-erect dog penis...
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Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...
Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...
We’re cruising along a wide and quiet suburban street. Green lawns stretch back from the pavement to the nice semi-detached homes. There’s a slim woman walking a large dog along the side of the road, and we pan around to look at her as we pass – it’s no-one we know, but we kind of wish we did! Then we’re looking forward again – seeing an intersection infront of us ... Then pulling up, looking out of the side window right at a single story, flat-roofed building. A sign outside reads,...