The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures...
Then we’re in a large carpark ... Hundreds of cars, shoppers pushing trolleys back and forth ... Then a familiar figure walking between the cars toward us. We know her, but she looks ‘different’ to how we remember her. It’s Charley – the surprise winner of last year’s television award for best host, who will actually be hosting our show for real from now on. Since she was last on camera she’s had “a bit of work done” – the tabloids were full of it of course. Her boob job, the chin and cheek implants, the derma-peels and the nose job. She’s still Charley, but no longer the girl-next-door Charley that we grew accustomed to, she’s now released the extra slutty Charley who always was inside ... And with the slutty exterior comes a new level of confidence, and a certain style too.
She’s wearing a low cut top that shows off her newly purchased cleavage, and a pair of tight jeans that suggest she’s spent quite a bit of time in the gym as well as the surgery.
Her long hair, now dyed black instead of its natural brunette, has been swept behind her head so that as it blows in the wind it stay out of her face. She walks toward camera with a deliberate, confident stride. Not fast, she’s in no hurry, but clearly someone without a fear in the world. Fucking eleven dogs in a row will do that to a girl!
She speaks directly to camera as she walks, “Welcome to the United Kingdom of Zoo. I’m Charley Keifer, and over the next 20 weeks I’ll be travelling the length and breadth of the country, helping some lucky ladies fulfil their dreams ... This year, we’ve had more applications than we’ve ever had before, and we’ve added a couple of new dogs to our talent list to give us more dogs than we’ve ever had before, to show that we truly live in...”
The title, “THE UNITED KINGDOM OF ZOO” flashes up, and our opening credits run over shots of various women reacting to the arrival of various dogs – some of the dogs are familiar, others are new ... There are brief shots of women laughing as they undress ... Of Charley helping dog’s mount them, and of them twisting their faces up, or smiling, or crying out/moaning in reaction to being fucked ... Then we fade up a graphic showing the UK, with little pins appearing, each pin representing a location we’ll be visiting in the new series. One of the pins is flashing on and off in the London area of the map.
We fade back in, this time we’re inside a large clothing store. Plenty of customers looking for a bargain, staff helping where they can. We watch a montage of typical activity in the store as Charley continues her narration. “We’re at the Gallion’s Reach shopping park in East London to meet our first guest of the year...”
We watch as a dark haired, middle-aged woman walks the floor talking to her staff, directing the occasional customer to the correct part of the store. She’s wearing a neat knee length dark skirt, tight enough around the hips and thighs to show she has a reasonable figure, and a white blouse that again shows that she’s trim and has a decent chest too ... There’s a name badge on her left breast pocket that reads “ELIZABETH STIMPSON – MANAGER”. She appears to be full of life and very comfortable with her staff and the cameras. We hear her speak in voice-over, a slight Cockney twang to her pleasant voice. Clearly separate parts of an interview stitched together to form an intro. “My name is Elizabeth Stimpson ... I’m 48, and I’m the manager of a popular clothing store here at Gallion’s Reach. I’ve been married for 29 years, I’ve got 3 children, and believe it or not, 2 grandchildren...”
And now we’re looking at Elizabeth standing with Charley, they’re in a small office – Elizabeth’s office – because she doesn’t want to be seen with us on the shop floor.
We’re making an effort to include Charley as an on-camera host now – but to be honest her interview technique isn’t great. She never seems sure whether she should be looking at the camera or the guest, so ends up flipping back and forth. “Tell us why you’re here today...”
Elizabeth looks a little thoughtful, then opens up. “I had my kids young, in my teens, and never really had any ‘wild years’ to experiment. Then I was a grandmother before I turned 40 ... I live with a sense of dread that I could be a bloody great grandmother before I’m 60 if my grand-daughter keeps up the family tradition! Life feels like it’s moving by way too fast ... And I’ve always had these fantasies about animals – I don’t know where they came from, and I don’t really care to be honest – and I suddenly realised I’m almost fifty, and I’m responsible for so much, and I’ve no idea why I’ve never acted on them ... So ... Here I am...”
“What is it about bestiality that turns you on?”
Elizabeth smiles, “Oh, that’s easy ... I don’t know if I should admit it, but I just love the look of a dog’s cock ... They look so ugly. Just these big fat ugly little clubs ... Sometimes not so little ... Ha ha...”
“So you’ve seen a lot of dog cocks?”
Elizabeth nods. “I’ve been watching videos for quite a while ... Like I said, I’ve always had this ‘interest’, but when I started finding pictures on the internet I couldn’t stop searching for more. Pictures, videos, whatever I could find. I don’t really care what the women look like, or if the sex was any good ... I was only interested in the dogs with the biggest cocks. I like the really ugly, deformed looking ones. The ones that bend, or have great fat swollen shafts ... I love to see women take them in their mouths, especially when they barely fit ... Drooling ... And cum spilling...” She almost seems to shudder. “Oooh, shivers down my spine...” And she smiles again.
“What are you most looking forward to today?”
Elizabeth cracks another smile... “Erm ... You know, I’m really just looking forward to seeing one up close – holding it in my hand ... Putting it in my mouth ... The sex, obviously ... But mainly just touching one. I hope it’s big...”
“If today goes well, will this change your life?”
“I think whether it goes well or not, my life will change – because once everyone knows what I am ... Well ... They’re never going to look at me the same way again, are they?” She looks a little worried.
Charley gets the tone of final question just right, leaning in a little, showing her concern, “Are you sure you want to go through with it?”
Elizabeth crosses her arms over her body, considers her options. “Well, that all depends on one thing...”
“And what’s that... ?” Asks Charley with genuine interest/concern.
Elizabeth cracks another smile, filling with anticipation and a new lease of confidence... “How big his cock is!”
Cut to the car park outside of the store. It’s dark now and the place appears to be deserted save for a couple of vehicles. One belonging to Elizabeth, the others belonging to our crew, and then there’s a Ford Transit van. A sign on the side reads, “United Kingdom of Zoo” with our famous logo of a happy dog mounting a comic book woman. There are few secrets now when UK of Zoo comes to town!
Charley is standing by the van, microphone in hand, ready to introduce our main talent for the show...
“Tonight we’ll be introducing a new dog to our viewers at home – and in a few minutes, to our guest inside ... And wow ... All I can say is that he’s a very big boy indeed...” She opens the rear door of the van and a heavy, hairy, dark furred monster jumps out.
It’s a St Bernard with a huge head and saggy but powerful flesh. St Bernards can look sad, but he clearly knows what’s in store for him and he seems to be smiling ... St Bernards are also famous for bringing brandy to stranded skiiers in the mountains ... This beast isn’t bringing alcohol, he’s got something altogether more refreshing...
“This,” Charley says, taking the beast by the leash, “is Goliath ... And I can tell you that he’s a dog that lives up to his name ... I ‘auditioned’ him myself, and he is a very talented puppy!” When she says ‘auditioned’ we know exactly what she means, and watching them side-by-side it’s a frightening thought to imagine his bulk on her little back.
She continues talking as she walks the huge dog back toward the shops. “Goliath is 4 years old, and he’s been intimate with his owner for a couple of years now ... She’s agreed to him being on the show so long as she doesn’t have to appear on camera. Apparently, I’m the only other woman he’s ever had, so this big boy is in for a real treat now that he’s one of our crew ... And I can assure you, our guests are in for a real treat one’s they meet him too...”
We cut back inside to the shop floor. Deserted. Most of the lights off. No staff. No customers. Then to the manager’s office, where Elizabeth has begun to unbutton her white blouse.
Elizabeth is already half-naked slut – stripped down to her underwear, which is a nice matching set in red lace. Her boobs look even bigger out of the blouse, plenty of cleavage and the material of that bra is strained. Her flesh is soft without being fat or loose, a hint of belly, but certainly not enough to be considered flabby.
She looks a little self-conscious as she pulls the shoulder straps off, then reaches behind her back to unhook it, the boobs immediately pushing it out and away from her as they are freed. She holds the bra infront of her chest for a moment – not teasing, just a little shy ... Then allows it to fall away, letting us see her big boobs in all their glory. They hold up well for a grandmother...
Panties next, dropped down her legs and slipped off her shoeless feet. As she straightens up we see her pussy – dark and neatly trimmed. Very tidy ... And she’s naked, hands almost covering her belly, which she seems more concerned about than either her boobs or her pussy.
Our camera sweeps from her face, down over her chest, her belly, pussy, legs, to her feet as she shifts a little uncomfortably in her place – then back up to her face.
Nervous, but not scared.
She receives an instruction from behind the camera, not audible on the show, and moves over to her desk, sitting down in her chair and leaning back, getting comfortable as she spreads her legs a little – then bringing one hand to one of those bigs boobs, and the other between her thighs to her pussy – she begins fingering herself slowly.
She looks into the camera, relaxing a little into her self-pleasuring, and says, “I’m so wet just thinking about the bloody dog ... I think when he comes here, I’ll probably cum before he touches me...” She smiles and keeps working her slit, running a finger up and down then inside, then over her clit before repeating the movement, her other hand squeezing her boob at the same time.
We cut back to the shop floor, to see Charley walking down a long aisle of perfectly stacked shelves, the big St Bernard padding along beside her.
Back in the office and Elizabeth’s head is hanging back, one hand squeezing a tit hard, the other pumping two fingers into her pussy – and those fingers look very wet. It’s quiet and we can hear the wet squelch everytime she pushes them in ... Schmik, schmik, schmik ... Fast.
The door to her office opens and she sits upright with a start – as if she’s worried she’s been caught masturbating. We cut to the door and see the smirking face of Charley, and by her side, the huge hairy beast.
Elizabeth reacts to the sight of Goliath by sitting upright, bringing her knees together and leaning forward, her eyes opening wide. “My God, he’s huuuuuggggeeeeee!” And she smiles – a smile that’s somewhere between shock and awe.
Charley leads the huge dog into the small office, then over toward Elizabeth. “Elizabeth, I’d like you to meet Goliath ... Goliath, I’d like you to meet Elizabeth!” She says. “Elizabeth, would very much like to fuck you, Goliath!”
The dog moves toward the older lady, who slowly allows her knees to part again, sitting back and angling her body so that her pussy is available to him. “Hello boy ... Good boy ... Do you want to be my friend?” She asks, a nervous quiver in her voice. More excitement than fear.
She looks to Charley and asks, “If I sit back, will he lick my cunt? He won’t bite me will he?”
Charley responds, “He’s not the best – he’s a bit sloppy...”
Elizabeth leans back, spreading her legs wider, and says “Oh, I don’t mind a bit of a mess...”
Goliath steps forward and sniffs at her pussy, then slops his tongue over it. Elizabeth gasps. The dog slops again, and she gasps again, one hand resting on top of the big animal’s head.
Charley attempts to add commentary. “A dog’s tongue is so much stronger, and can reach so much deeper, and provides so much more pleasure, than anything a man, or woman, can manage...”
Goliath appears to lose interest and backs away from the woman, lifting one of his big front paws up and slapping it down on her thigh.
Charley continues. “Unfortunately, Goliath here isn’t particularly interested in the taste of pussy ... Some dogs do, some dogs don’t ... Goliath ... Don’t.”
Elizabeth sits up, runs a hand between her legs. Soaked. Slobber and pussy juice. She holds it up and shows her glistening palm to camera.
Cut to – a few moments later, Elizabeth has moved off the seat and is on her knees beside the big dog.
She slips her hand under his belly and cups his sheath and the big cock within it ... Then hefts it for weight and gasps. “Oh, he IS a big boy...”
“Give it a little wank.” Suggests Charley from off camera.
Elizabeth picks up on her suggestion and gently grips the heavy shaft inside the beast’s sheath. There’s a look of mild amazement on her face as she grips and jerks it. “I can’t believe I’m actually doing this... “ She says, half to herself. “I’ve fantasized about it so much!”
“How does it feel?” Asks Charley.
Elizabeth looks up at the camera with stopping her firm wanking of the dog. “It’s very big ... And ... Hard ... And it feels ... Hot.” She almost says this as a question.
The end of Goliath’s cock is now poking out of his sheath, and Elizabeth is bent forward looking under him, pulling the furry pocket of flesh backward to reveal more of the engorged purple club of a cock. “Oh God, it’s bigger than I thought...” She says, spelling out what we’re already seen. She continues wanking him, watching more of his shaft poke out.
“Do that look better in real life than on video?” Asks Charley.
Elizabeth smiles, not breaking eye contact with that ugly fat cock as she squeezes and pumps it. “It’s much sexier seeing it up close ... Maybe it’s a better looking one than I’ve seen before ... Or maybe it’s just being up close ... Knowing I can do anything I want to it...”
“And what would you like to do to it?” Asks Charley, already knowing the answer. Elizabeth responds with a cheeky smile that shows off her teeth.
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We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us like a perverted version of Supergirl ... She smiles at us, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea level over the Severn Estuary, between Wales (with a cartoonish huge flag waving on the coast, and the south-west coast of England, with...
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Footage through a car window, looking out at a twilight sky and a virtually empty motorway ahead ... There’s a car in the distance ahead of us, an occasional car or truck coming the other way, passing us at speed, nothing like you’d expect from a busy rush hour motorway. Then we’re looking down at the driver from a high angle, corner mounted GoPro. The driver, as you’d expect, is the cleavage heavy, filthy looking pornstar-esque Charley Ozvik, the face of the British bestiality business, and...
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With series 12 completed, we roll straight through into series 13 - the same hosts, doing the same things all over again ... Aren’t we getting bored of this yet? Well, it appears not ... So... We start this week’s show with establishing shots of quiet suburban streets – semi-detached homes, very middle class and safe... And then, stepping into frame from the side, moving from behind the camera to infront - this week’s host ... Still the nation’s least likely sex symbol – short, fat,...
Series 6, Episode 11 – Janine Saunders (18), from Birmingham We fade in on a nice townhouse in a nice neighbourhood – then we cut to inside the house and see our hostess – Charley – sitting at her desk, a large computer editing suite laid out infront of her (big computer, multiple screens, etc.) She appears to be editing an episode of ‘The United Kingdom of Zoo’ as we watch, although there’s nothing sexual on screen at the moment, just a young couple walking a large Alsatian. Charley turns...
As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
We open with our beautiful animated shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Then our cartoon, top heavy tattooed version of Charley appears, floating in the sky with us, winking and smiling - then waving for us to follow her as she turns and falls toward the country at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit toward the northern part of England, all the way down to a large old city of Sheffield right in the middle, in just a few seconds. Our animated Charley leads us all the...
Series 9, Episode 16: Sienna Triosi (24), from Ipswich We open with a shot of a very boring, street two-up two-down terraced houses. Small paved front yards provide off street parking for a couple of small cars each. And then, walking up the street toward us – the chunky figure of our favourite Cockney wideboy, Dennis, and beside him the sleek, narrow figure of his mean looking, hard-loving, but ultimately very well-behaved Doberman, Casanova. We track backwards as he walks – keeping him...
Series 3, Episode 10: Stacy On one side of the street a row of pre-War three-story buildings – shopfront downstairs, residential apartment/flats above. On the other side of the street, modern four/five level office buildings, and an old train station with a sign outside that reads, “Welcome to Enfield Chase”. We’re in North London to meet our next subject, and she’s a subject who’s worth meeting. Back to those shopfronts – one in particular – Hair By Hottinger. A modest hair and beauty...
Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...
Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...
We’re cruising along a wide and quiet suburban street. Green lawns stretch back from the pavement to the nice semi-detached homes. There’s a slim woman walking a large dog along the side of the road, and we pan around to look at her as we pass – it’s no-one we know, but we kind of wish we did! Then we’re looking forward again – seeing an intersection infront of us ... Then pulling up, looking out of the side window right at a single story, flat-roofed building. A sign outside reads,...