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Wish Shift: Chapter Thirty-Nine The Fire That Burns You Year 1 A.S. Day 209 Day 254 of Jenny's pregnancy Sleep was constantly avoiding coming to her. Between her now frequent trips to the bathroom, the movement of the twins and the pain from the various parts of her body, it was a wonder that she got any sleep at all. And that was before she even factored in the emotional toll of the last few days. The rage that had been released when the full scope of what had been done to her had not faded quickly. It had burned white hot and then banked into a glowing pile of coals that radiated the heat of her fury. After she had accepted that Derek was not culpable in any part of what had happened to her she did have regrets that she had aimed the furnace of her wrath at him and except for an apology that was nowhere near strong enough, she had not really spoken to him about it. Derek kept his temper away from her and aimed it at the true source of their woes. He was also avoiding her as much as was possible when you share the same roof with someone. But she already knew that was more to give her space than any retaliation for her behavior. She should have been grateful to him for extending this distance to her, but it just made her feel guilty at the same time as it inflamed her anger against Madeline and Brother Paul. Danny, Sam and the rest of the family who were going to return with him still hadn't done so. The pass that Agent Matthews had given Danny allowed him to leave the secured zone, but not re-enter it. When he found that he would be delayed in bringing the family back with him he told her that he already wished that he had just stayed there. Jenny told him that he shouldn't blame himself for not knowing. He reminded her that was also something that she should remember for herself. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Year 1 A.S. Day 210 Day 255 of Jenny's pregnancy The strict curfew that had been imposed was partially lifted now that the majority of the cult members had been arrested. There were still some of them at large, but with the concentric circles of troops and police deployed around the area they were counting on finding them eventually. More troops had been brought in to man roadblocks and constantly run patrols in the areas in between. The main reason for relaxing the scope of the curfew was mainly for the benefit of the general population. It had been stressful enough experiencing the full scale of an enhanced occupation while it had been necessary and even though there had been a great deal of information released as an explanation, there was still unrest over what had happened. With movement restrictions lifted to a degree, both of them took advantage of it to get out of the house and get some dry goods from the grocery now that more inventory was coming in to restock the depleted supermarkets. Even though there was not likely to be many people out today, Derek decided to open Java Jolts anyway. If for nothing else, it was not being in their house. After the last few days, the both of them were having more than a touch of cabin fever from the enforced confinement of both curfew and anxiety from the idea that a minion of Brother Paul's may still make an attempt on them now that it was just the two of them there. Jenny allowed him to help her into her old table outside. It was much more comfortable for her out there now, the temperature had dropped quite a bit and the days were much more balmy, even though she was still extremely uncomfortable from what her pregnancy was doing to her physically. Derek got her set up and then gave her as much space as he could. He was the only one in and when the few people moving around saw that he was open, customers slowly started drifting over. It was nothing that he couldn't handle by himself and he was grateful for the distraction. Until he looked out to the front of the shop and saw Jenny was missing from her table. Derek literally felt the blood draining from his face and felt his heart stop in fear over what that meant. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Jenny slowly stepped down the steps of the bus. Not many people were riding on it, but she was actually grateful for that. She huffed from the exertion and paused for a moment. When she decided to leave Java Jolts, she knew she should probably have told Derek where she was going, but she decided that she would instead call him to let him know what she was doing once she decided where she was going to go. It wasn't until she got there that she realized that she had left her phone at home on the charger and there was no way to contact him. The open space of City park spread out around her. It had a completely different feel now than it had when she had asked Derek to take her here just a matter of weeks ago. With the effect that the visible presence of having so many troops everywhere and the inclination of most people to stay out of the way of trouble like this, the park for the most part was nearly completely abandoned. She did see some groups, but they were only a few people here right now. The curfew forbid gathering in groups larger than ten people. Jenny looked over near the empty stage where she had lain on the grass with Derek during that play she hadn't really watched very much of. Even thinking of that brought home to her how much of a difference there was between what she had felt then and now. Then she was afire with hope and longing for something that was just waiting to edge into being; now she was just burning with rage over how much she had been abused. And even if her feelings were not directed at Derek she could feel her anger slowly charring what they had already built together into cinders. She knew that he was not connected to what had happened to her in any other way than as the target that bastard Brother Paul really wanted. Dr. Warren had been taking great pains with her as they unraveled what had been done to her mentally to reassure her that nothing that he had found so far in their sessions indicated to him that there was anything else there. She still fumed when she thought of how he had shaped her like a tool and she had no doubt that once she had served her purpose that she would have become like Amy. That was how he was going to discard her, she was certain of it. Her hands reflexively clutched into talons with the rage at the idea of it. But mixed in with the rage was also the realization that there was much more there than that emotion alone. If it had just been anger she would not be fearing what she could feel happening between her and Derek right now. And even more than that, with how she thought of herself as well. Even with knowing he was not to blame, some part of her, deep inside, did do just that and she couldn't stop herself from doing it. It wasn't that it was because he was part of it she finally realized, it was because he had failed to protect her. He had failed to protect her and he had failed to protect her unborn children. That was a disturbing new sensation for her and as she experienced it she realized that she was finally looking at something the way a woman would and recognizing what it was she was feeling. She had become so dependent on him over the last few months of her pregnancy that she had unconsciously looked to him for protection, now that she couldn't do it herself. He had been the one she looked to for that and now that this had happened she he had weighed her man in the balance and found him wanting. It wasn't fair and if she looked at it from the standpoint of the man she used to be, it seemed something ridiculous to tar him with. But some deep part of her still blamed him for it anyway. She also blamed herself. Despite what Dr. Warren told her over and over again that she couldn't infer that what was lurking inside her didn't have a great deal to do with how she had become. She just knew that somewhere deep inside of herself that woman was really there. That woman that she feared becoming really was waiting somewhere inside of her to manifest herself, just like a bomb's counter slowly ticking down to detonation. And it was counting down she thought. When it inevitably went off as she feared, then it would be too late for her. She would be locked into that life and once that happened there would be nothing left of her or what she wanted to become as a woman. She would be a woman still, but there would not be anything left of the Jenny she said she wanted to be. All that she had done and slid into being while those two had been twisting her mind was not just done by them by themselves. What they wanted of her was just an advanced version of what she was already becoming as Dr. Warren had told her when he said she would become someone else and Jenny couldn't be sure that that part of herself wasn't helping them. That woman they wanted was an extreme religiously twisted version of herself, but she was there still. Without the religious overlay she was the version Jenny would inevitably become nevertheless. Mom and the other women in the family were the examples that she thought she wanted to try and follow. She said they were the ones she wanted to imitate, that they were the women she wanted to be like. But now she was afraid that she had to face that she was only just delaying the inevitable conclusion she had been avoiding from the beginning. The woman she was that first night in Shenzhen was the woman she really was. That woman was who she was really going to become after all and Jenny had no idea how she could not to not be her now that it looked like her relationship with Derek may also be a casualty of Brother Paul's machinations. Or was that necessarily true? She hadn't started to become like this until she had given herself over to him the way she had. It had nothing to do with her feelings for him. If anything the way that he was still behaving toward her had only made her more certain that was the only part of what had been done right in both of their lives recently since what had happened to them was revealed. But she wasn't sure now about what she should do next. Feeling indecisive about something that should be so clear to her was a new feeling and she wasn't sure how to handle it. When she was James, she had very rarely had this feeling, but now she felt like this feeling of helplessness and indecision was drowning her. Was that something next for her as well she wondered? It seemed like it might be. If she was going to become a woman like that, then it stood to reason that her real problem right now was that without a man to make this decision for her she had no business doing it herself. The thing was that bothered her was she didn't know if this thought was her own or it was something that they had told her to think. Dr. Warren had tried to make sure that she understood that what she had experienced was just manipulation and exaggeration of what was inside of her, but the part that stood out to her and loomed large in her thoughts was it was something that was inside of her. This was part of her now and since it was part of her she couldn't see how it wouldn't continue to influence more and more of her very self. Her heart trembled at the thought that what she had always suspected about her basic nature was actually true then. Walking toward the benches in the park she told herself that she had to face the horrible truth, that somewhere deep inside of her, that woman was there waiting and she wouldn't keep waiting for long now that she had been released by Brother Paul and Madeline. She was going to be weak from now on, she was going to be indecisive and look for the man in her life to tell her what to do in all aspects of her life. She was going to be a woman that needed a strong man to tell her what to do and keep her in line every day after that. The last choice she would be making would be choosing the man who was going to control all the aspects of that submissive woman from that day forth. Or would she? Weak submissive women didn't choose, they accepted others choices as their own. And Derek had said he didn't want that woman. If he let her stay, wouldn't what she was going to become eventually make him decide that she needed to go? Or was he just saying that right now because that was what was expected of him to say? Would he later just quietly start giving her the strong hand that she would need to be happy as that woman when no one would be looking so closely at their relationship any longer? Mom had told her that Derek was her Jake. He tried to say that it was different in the way he pointed it out, but Jenny thought that the woman that she really was really might only be happy with someone that did exactly that to her. And if Derek did that to her, would it really be that bad she wondered? He had already admitted in the kitchen when he was talking with mom that he was somewhat comfortable with what she was doing in their day to day life. He said that he didn't want her to become that, but if that was her choice he could accept it. Would being that woman for him be worth it? He said in the end it wouldn't be, but was that really the case she wondered? If she went back now and did exactly what she was doing before without the religious craziness he hated, wouldn't he be fine with that woman? Wouldn't he be fine with who she really was? She walked along the path between the stiff grass of the park. The summer heat had hardened them and they were no longer the soft blades that she had felt beneath her while she was laying on his lap. There was an empty bench under one of the trees up ahead. She made for it and sank down gratefully. The effort of walking here had taken more than a bit out of her. She felt dampness against her nipples and closed her eyes from the discomfort. Her breasts had been leaking more and more lately. Dr. Waverly told her that was something to expect, but even with the warning, like much of the rest of her pregnancy, she truly didn't expect it to be like this. She looked around herself quickly. There was no one nearby and no one should see her right now she thought. She reached into her murse and took a pair of absorbent pads out from the package that she had slipped into it. Another look around and she quickly unbuttoned her blouse and released the front panel of the nursing bra that she had started wearing since that started happening. She quickly swapped out a dry pad for each of the soaked ones and did her blouse up again. There wasn't anything nearby to toss the used pads into so she just slid them into the sandwich baggie that she had slipped in there as well. This was a more disgusting aspect of pregnancy than she anticipated experiencing, but she thought about being that kind of woman again. If Derek really didn't want her the way she was going to be, then it was an absolute certainty that the man who ended up claiming her would decide otherwise. She looked down at the baggie holding her soaked nursing pads and thought about those kinds of guys. The ones that she had known who were like that when she had been James. She thought about what she had overheard them talking about when they talked about the women that they possessed. She looked down at her bloated belly. That kind of man would not be satisfied until she proved she had completely accepted him as being superior to her. He probably wouldn't say anything, but he would just as likely make it clear to her that until she had borne his children until he said otherwise, she would have no worth. That woman's only value to men like that would lie in being what Derek said he didn't want. One of the twins moved and she realized that that kind of woman would spend a lot of time like this. If that was the kind of woman that she was going to become she had better get used to being like this. Because if she was with Derek and that was what she became with him or when whoever told her she was with him now did so, then she was going to be pregnant a lot more often. She had to be with one of them either way. Or did she? She didn't want to do this alone. She had already understood that more than a little while ago. Derek being with her and taking care of her, even with her changing because of what had been done was something that she had been more than happy to experience. Derek taking that role in her life and caring for her was what she wanted. Was that what that woman wanted? Or was it? Until the last few weeks she thought that it wasn't that she felt she should be doing this because she was a woman, it was because she wanted to be with him. She didn't want to stay with Derek because she was having twins in a few weeks, it was because she loved him. And that was really it she realized. If all of that had not been part of her, then she doubted that what had been done to her would not have been as easy for them to accomplish. But just because that was part of her foundation, did that mean that was what she was supposed to do? And if she didn't, what would she still have that in front of her? If that was what she had lying in wait for her, who was to say that it wouldn't be an improvement if she left Derek. Would she go back to what she thought she wanted to be if she did that? What would happen to her once she became that kind of woman and got involved with someone else who didn't feel the way about her that Derek did? Mom had said that the family would be there for her regardless, but how would her life and the twins lives turn out when she was the wife of someone who only knew her as that submissive, indecisive woman she feared was waiting to manifest permanently? She didn't want to leave and she was afraid of what would happen if she stayed. Jenny felt tears fall hot on her cheeks and sear her skin as they trickled down. She wanted to stay, but she didn't know how she could. She needed to be apart from and stay away from Derek. It may not stop her from becoming the woman that she felt that she would inevitably become, but staying here with him would only hasten her arrival. She needed to leave him. It was the only chance she had to not become that woman she didn't want to be left to her. She felt the tears begin streaming and she closed her eyes as the misery she felt rose up and swallowed her whole. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Heather DeChamblais had lost her group. She inhaled the baked smell of the sun scorched grass from the park around her. The October breeze that had been blowing lightly all day whipped the fabric of the dress that she was wearing around her knees and tugged at her hair. She heard the sweet sound of the birds singing and felt the warmth of the day and then the coolness of the shade as she shuffled under a tree. It's woody smell drifted through the smell of the grass and let her know it was close by. Autumn was almost over, but she could still smell it in the air. She shifted the grip on the cane in her hand and started tapping on the pavement of the walkway that was beneath her feet. Months spent being blind had given her much more facility with using it to guide herself along than she had after she found herself in the body of this blind woman. If she hadn't had the more pressing need of having to cope with losing her sight dominating her concern, Homer would have been more concerned about what being a woman now would mean for her. Suddenly deprived of her sight after a long lifetime of having it there for her was more of a shock to her than becoming female in an instant. And her focus on learning to navigate life as someone who would never have that sense there for her again had blocked out what was happening to her in the other areas of her life. She didn't think about becoming female at all now really. Being blind was more of a concern and now she had just come to terms with the idea that she was going to be like this from now on. When they had asked her if she wanted to take a female name she had immediately answered that she wanted her wife's name. Heather had died about ten years before and now that Homer was a woman she wanted her name for remembrance. It felt like she was somehow still alive and walking alongside her that way. There had been a lot on the news about the circumstances that had resulted in the re-imposition of martial law, but that had little to do with the people that she lived with now in the home for the blind. Some of them had shifted into others who were blind, but many had not. Homer had found herself here, over three hundred miles from where she started. She had gone down to Myrtle Beach from Montreal. She had done that each summer. Heather and her had made that destination part of their annual trip and after she had died she had resumed that tradition after a couple years hiatus. After she had resumed her travels here she had started coming earlier in the season than they had before though. One of the benefits of being retired that she had looked forward to sharing with Heather that she now had to do by herself. Today's excursion was part of a trip just to get them out of the confines of the home. There were two of the staff with them and seven of Heather's fellow residents with her today. Somehow she had gotten separated from the group. Her sharp hearing told her that there were few people around and she decided that she would just follow the path until she got to somewhere that she could sit down and rest and wait for them to come to find her. She heard a soft muffled sound nearby. "Is someone there?" she asked in her French accented English. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ - Jenny heard the woman speak and raised her head in her direction. The woman was in her thirties. She was a little heavy-set in her appearance and had a pleasant enough face. She wore heavy dark glasses and the white cane in her hand was slowly tapping in a circle trying to give her some idea of what was around her. Jenny wiped the tears away from her cheeks. "I'm here," she said in a faint voice, still tear choked from her emotions. "Is there a place to sit down nearby?" the woman asked her. Jenny told her that there was the bench that she was sitting on and kept softly talking to her so the woman could follow the sound of her voice. The woman reached the edge of the walkway and she paused when she felt the pavement vanish beneath her feet. She moved her cane until the tip rang against the metal frame of the bench. She came closer slowly and stopped to run her hands over the smooth wood of the slats that were bolted to the frame. She turned around and started to sit down. "Tabernac!" she swore. Jenny looked up. The blind woman was holding her buttocks gingerly. She had sat on the arm rest instead of the seat. She reached out with her hand and found her bearings and finally sat down on the weathered wood. "What fool would put such a thing there?" she asked in disgust. "I think it's so that homeless people don't sleep here," Jenny answered quietly "Then they are fools indeed," Heather answered. "A person who has nothing else welcomes even the earth itself beneath them and they will still say yes to that invitation when they need to rest. Doing such a thing as this is just being cruel." Jenny gave the woman a non-committal response of an answer and went back to trying to conceal that she had been interrupted in the middle of her meltdown. "Pardon Mademoiselle, but you are not well are you?" "No, I'm not," she answered. "I thought not," she pointed to her eyes behind the dark glasses, "These...may not show me anything anymore, but even the blind can see this is true with you." "How can you tell that, I wasn't even crying when you came over here?" "I can smell your tears even from here," she said. "They smell like bitter salt and regret and sorrow." "Why do you cry like this? Who do you cry for?" she asked Jenny. Jenny hesitated for a moment. She didn't want to deny that it was as bad as that. The blind woman would know. So she started to slowly tell her what had happened. She told her about Derek. She told her of how they grew together slowly until she could not tell where he ceased and she began. She spoke of how until this had happened she had no reason to doubt anything about it for even a second. She spoke of finding out that a woman that she had thought of as, if not a friend, then at least a companion had utterly betrayed her in a deep primal way. How their friendship was nothing more than a convenient lie built solely to serve other purposes. When the woman asked her more about this Jenny admitted that what had happened to her was bound up in the re-imposition of martial law. She told her that when she came out of it, how she had turned on Derek and branded him as one of those who had betrayed her and even after speaking with those who were trying to help her work her way free of what had been used to bind her in a web of lies, she was still finding it impossible to move beyond it and grant him the pardon that he deserved in her heart. She told Heather that she had come to the park to work through the emotions that plagued her and she had come to the conclusion here that she had to leave him and why. Heather listened to her and let her speak until her words were spent and there was nothing in her remaining to be spoken. Some of what this young woman had been through struck chords within Heather's own memory. Not a true echo, since what was unique can only have faint echoes with another who is unique, but the broad outlines that Heather had experienced herself resonated in harmony with what this young woman was going through now. While they were talking, Michael, one of the men who had escorted her group to the park came up to them and told her how relieved he was that she was all right. They had been frantically looking for her since they noticed that she was not with the group anymore. Heather reassured him that she was fine and asked him if it would be acceptable if she were to remain sitting here for a time and continue speaking with this young woman. Michael looked at Jenny and motioned to the group moving slowly along the railing by the reflecting pool and told her that they would be over there for the next little while and asked her if she would be kind enough to point Heather in their direction when the two of them were done speaking. Jenny nodded that she would do so and watched him walk slowly over to the group. Not for the first time since she had shifted, Heather cursed her lack of eyesight. Her other senses were razor sharp now. That came with the change of body, but she wished again that she had her eyes back. She felt a kinship with this young woman in other ways besides sorrow. She had also been a teacher as well before she had retired. She had taught English literature her entire career and one of the burning injustices of her own shift was that now she was cut off from the world of words that had been such a major touchstone for her before. She had also had times of hardship and misunderstanding with Heather when she had been Homer. Nothing like the scale of what Jenny had related to her though. The only thing comparable to what she had heard this young woman speak of were in works of the world of words that Heather was now separated from and she grieved that she could not look into this young woman's eyes and convey to her what she felt hearing of such things. But Heather did have something at hand. She may no longer be able to read the printed page or see the reaction of what was said in the face of those who were listening, but she knew what she could do with the woman that she had been listening to. She had words of her own and she hoped that this young woman would hear them. She hoped that she would hear them and they might somehow make some small difference to her. "Does it burn you?" the blind woman asked her. "Does what burn me?" Jenny answered, not sure what the woman was trying to say. "Does how you feel for him feel like everything you are is consumed by it and you still want to feed the blaze inside so it will burn brighter." "God, yes," she said, "I've only felt like that twice in my life." "Some people never feel that flame even once, you've been a lucky woman to have your heart touched by fire twice," the blind woman said. "And did he do it? Did he really have anything to do with this terrible thing these men have done to you?" she asked. "No, he had nothing to do with it. It just looked like he did to me." "And if you can resolve not to be this kind of woman you fear to become away from him, why should you not do this anyway? "I don't know if I can or even if I will," she said quietly. "So why do you think you should leave then?" she asked in her lilting French accent. "Because I don't know what is real now. I've got all of these directives popping up in my mind and I can't tell which ones are me and which ones are what someone raped my spirit with. And if I stay I don't think I'll ever be real again." "But was it real...before this happened? Was what you and this Derek felt real then? Do you think that it's still there now?" she asked again. "Yes...it is," she said. "It's real and it's still there." "Then let it burn you," she said getting up and starting to move her white cane around herself to get her bearings. "Let it burn you again and melt away the dross that these people tried to heap upon you. Let it burn your fears away until all that is left is what is true for you and your Derek." "Let your love burn you Jenny and hold that flame close while it does." Jenny watched the blind woman turn away and make her way down the path tap-tap-tapping until she reached her group and disappeared into the crowd. Jenny sat in the park a long time after Heather left. She saw the small group move slowly down the walking path and toward the parking lot where their van was waiting for them. Let it burn you she told her. There was something in that short sentence that resonated deep inside of her. Compared to that thought, the remnants of the directives that still rose in her thoughts paled before the fire that represented to her. The shadows from the fading light started stretching across the vast open field in front of the public stage. She looked at about where the spot she thought they had huddled together before was and she felt the flicker of their flame inside of her. She got up and slowly made her way to the bus stop. She needed to be getting back. There was a long talk ahead of her when she got home and she still wasn't fully certain about how it would turn out, but she did know one thing as she saw the bus slow and stop. She was going to have that talk and she was going to let that fire burn through her. She thanked whoever it was that had placed Heather there when she needed her. Her flame strengthened and she waited to see how high the blaze would soar. Inside herself she reached for the flame and drew it close. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Java Jolts was dark and empty when she walked there from the hospital bus stop. She looked around the parking lot, but Derek's jeep was nowhere to be seen. She didn't know what to make of it, but she didn't blame him if he had just gone. It was her fault for not bringing her phone so she could let him know where she had gone off to. Perhaps he was angry? Perhaps he was looking for her? Bob's was still open and would still be for a couple more hours. Curfew was still a few hours away and Bob would close early if the staff needed that time to get home before it went into effect if they needed it. She walked toward the restaurant. She would get something to eat after she called Derek. She knew that if he reamed her out over this that she would deserve it and she promised herself that no matter what happened that she would remember that. Bob immediately came around from his perch behind the register and gathered her into an all encompassing hug. "Oh thank God, You're all right," he said to her. "Derek was in here hours ago frantic because you had just disappeared." Jenny said to him that she needed some time to think and she forgot that she didn't have her phone on her. She asked him if she could borrow his and he led her over to the counter and pushed it over to her. While she was waiting for Derek to pick up, Bob started filling her in on what was going on here since she had left. He had immediately closed up for the day and the first hint that Bob had that something was wrong was when patrol cars started gathering at the far end of the little strip mall. Derek wouldn't tell Bob any more than the bare details, but he did get across that he was certain that something deadly dangerous had happened to her when she just disappeared like she had. Derek answered and she braced herself for the outburst that she knew she deserved, but it didn't come. Derek demanded that she tell him where she was and once she told him she was at Bob's she started telling him as well that she was sorry for this and he told her to stay put and he would be there as quickly as he could get there. She waited by the door. The headlights of the cars crawling by in the gathering dusk punctuated the absence of people with their solitary presence on the road. Bob came over and sat with her while she waited. She tried to pay him for what she had asked for but he insisted that her money was no good tonight and that she just accept it. She was tired in so many ways from today so she did just that and told him a bit about why she needed to be away the way she had. She didn't tell him the nuts and bolts of it, but she could tell that he understood that she needed this time to get what she needed sorted out before she came back. The roar of Derek's jeep engine and the crunch of his tires against the pavement as he swung into a parking space in front of Bob's was extra loud with the absence of other vehicles around to muffle it. Derek left the lights on and the door hanging free behind him in his haste to get inside to her. She braced herself for the tongue lashing that she knew she had earned today, but it never came. Derek burst into the room and made a beeline straight for her. She was just starting to try to rise when he smothered her in a tight embrace and told her over and over again how much she had frightened him. He was certain that someone working for Brother Paul had gotten her and he would never see her again. He was visibly trembling with relief that she was safe and there wasn't an apology that she could think of that would even begin to make up for this. They left Bob's behind and as they drove back home he told her that he had already called Danny as soon as he had finished speaking to the police. He had immediately told Derek that he and as many family as he could gather would be coming down as soon as they could get things arranged and be on their way. Jenny asked him if she could use his phone so that she could speak with him and he wordlessly reached into his pocket and handed it over to her. He had enough presence of mind to call the police after she called him from Bob's. The checkpoints that they passed must have gotten the word that she was accounted for now since they both passed through them without even so much as a raised eyebrow. She finished her conversation with Danny and disconnected the call. They were almost home. She handed the phone back to him and told him that they had already gotten their internal passports approved and would be down in the morning as early as possible. Derek pulled the jeep into the carport and killed the engine. He took the key out and looked over at her sitting in the passenger seat. "We really need to talk now Derek," she said as they got out and walked into the house. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ As she heard him close the door behind them she looked around the room. She had not been living here long with him. But there were already small touches that marked that changes in both of their lives though. Pictures of her alone and her with Derek floated in sequence on his computer in the corner. There was a new picture of them both being silly at the drive-in that Mindy had taken on the wall. She could even smell herself flavoring the air within the dwelling, not in an 'I need a bath badly way', but in the manner that marked that she lived here and this was where she was supposed to be. She asked him to sit down with her. She told him that she had to do a lot of thinking and now that she had it straight somewhat she needed to talk with him. She could tell that he was feeling anxious from the tone of what she was saying and she hoped that when she spoke her next words that she found the way to make it clear to him without making it worse between them. She started by telling him that she loved him. That had not changed inside of her, but something else had changed. She had never really told him the full details of her first night as a woman before. She had mentioned parts of it and he did know that it had involved a lot of sex and a complete misunderstanding of what the Shift was, but she had not told him how she had felt inside when that happened. Since she had spoken about it with Karen Wells at the embassy the only other person that had known the full complete story was Dr. Warren. It was just too much, too intensely personal for her to share with anyone who didn't absolutely have to know those details. But Derek needed to know them now. She went over with him each of the things that terrified her about becoming a woman. She detailed each of the things that she had gone over with Dr. Warren in the sessions that she had spent long hours examining herself and what she was becoming mentally with him. She wanted to break down in tears again while she went over her horror when she realized just how much of that kind of woman was really inside of her. If she hadn't been like that somewhere inside then the perversion of what she was would not have been as successful. She looked at him and told him in no uncertain terms that she would never be like that willingly. She would be a woman like the women in her family. She would be a woman that had her own mind. She would be a woman that she was becoming before her path was interfered with, but she wouldn't be that kind of woman that they tried to make her into being. Not even if what was trying to make her into that woman was inside of her. And she wasn't going to let it happen. Not now, not ever. For anyone. She looked at him and told him that if he wanted that kind of woman then she would leave with the family when they came. She told him that the last few weeks that they had lived with would probably have happened to a degree like how they had happened. She would have done those things mostly anyway. Maybe not to the extent that she ended up doing them, but she would have done them because that was what she thought she should do. Not because she was the woman, but because it was something that she had always viewed in that fashion even as a man. But she was not going to be a drudge. She was not going to be an inferior. She was not going to be a thing to be kept as a trophy. She was not going to allow herself to be defined solely as what she was according to what was nestled between her legs. But she was going to be the woman she wanted to be and if that was what he could accept then she would stay. Derek listened to her. So much of what she had told him this time was something that she had not even mentioned, let alone gone into any detail with. He cringed at the weight of the burden that she had shouldered inside of herself. But what he got from what she was saying was the most important thing to him. She loved him. She loved him, the woman that he loved was still there and she loved him. The real woman she was and not that little paper doll that bastard Brother Paul saw her as. He looked at her and said that if that was the woman that she was going to be. If the woman that she was until that fucker had interfered with them was who she really wanted to be and was going to be, then that was the woman that he wanted to be with. He told her how much looking outside the store and seeing her empty table had filled him with absolute terror that he would never see her again. "I want you," he said to her. "I want the real Jenny. That woman that they tried to make you into was someone that I don't think I could be with. I could have had that at any time a long time ago if I wanted that kind of relationship. That fucking church was lousy with them and even though I did date Vicki for a while I wouldn't have wanted her to be like that if we had stayed together. I never wanted someone around me whose only purpose is to tell me how much better than them I am. I wanted you and I still do." "And if the real Jenny is who you are going to be then I want to marry her," he said. Jenny sat silent when he said that. She still wasn't quite sure that she had really heard him right when he said that to her. She looked at him and asked him to say it again. "When I thought you were gone, when I thought that you would never be here again. I couldn't stand the thought of that. Even with you being so angry at me over this at least you were here. At least you were part of my life. I only understood that you were the most important part when I looked out and didn't see you there anymore. I want you. The real you. And I hope that part of the real you wants to be my wife." She listened to him. Part of her was twanging like an overstretched guitar string with the intensity of her response to hearing him ask her that. But she had to be sure before she said anything to him. Even so she had to bite back the urgent yes that she wanted to voice in relief. "What do you mean when you say you want to marry me. What do you have in mind?" she asked him Derek looked at her steadily, his eyes were fixated on her eyes. He told her that she had already told him what kind of wife she was going to be when she told him what she was going to be. That woman was who he wanted as his wife and he told her that whatever it was that would mark the how of it was not what he cared about. If she wanted a traditional wedding with everything that implied then he would do what he could to make it happen as long as it was soon. If she wanted nothing more than walking into city hall then as long as it was soon that's what he wanted. It wasn't the how he cared about. It was the what. Jenny thought of her dream when he was saying that. Dr. Warren had told her very clearly that she should not look at something like that as an indicator of the future. But sitting here with him right now, looking at him over the great curve of her belly and hearing him tell her that if she wanted that kind of wedding they would have it, she flashed on that vision of herself again. She felt the weight of the dress hanging from her. And she thought of how that had played out in her mind and there was absolutely no way that was ever going to happen. She wasn't going to get married like that, not now, not next week and not ever. And in thinking that she already knew what her answer was going to be. Not a difficult choice since it had already been decided a lot longer than Brother Paul had opportunity to interfere with. "I'm not doing that," she said to him. She saw the look on his face as she saw him start to take it as her saying no. "Yes, I want to marry you Derek. But I won't take your name. There won't be a church, there won't be a dress and it won't be traditional. Maybe another time, when I'm no longer like this," she indicated her twin swollen belly when she said that. "After we have some time together to sort this out, but not now, not like that." She saw him perk up when he took in that, along with all of those no answers, the most important answer had been yes. "Then do it right away at City Hall," he said. "We'll go to the office in the morning and as soon as they issue the license we can make it happen." Jenny looked at Derek. He was absolutely serious. She thought about it and the more she did, the more she was certain that it was what she should do right now before anything else they did next. "Yes," she said to him again, feeling the fire that the blind woman spoke of blazing around inside her. "I'll marry you, I'll be your wife, but you have to agree to something for me first." "What?" he asked. "I want the ring that I got for Sonya to be my wedding ring for now. I want to have that connection between what I was before and what we're going to be from now on. And whoever Sonya is, boy or girl, when she grows up, I want to I give it to her when she gets married. I want her to carry all of the love that it represents with her no matter if it's on her finger or on the finger of the woman he loves." "I can do that," Derek said to her. He reached for her over the twins between them and they kissed each other like they had not eaten in days. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Year 1 A.S. Day 210 Day 255 of Jenny's pregnancy They had been home for a few hours already when she heard the sound of car engines pulling into the driveway and then being turned off. The chatter of voices drawing close to the door made it hard to tell just who it was outside of the house. Jenny looked down on her finger as she listened to them coming closer. The white gold of her engagement ring wrapped around her finger was something that she still found herself looking at when she was pretty sure that Derek was not watching her since he had slipped it on her finger. She had found the set at the enormous Silk Street market in Beijing when they had stopped by before returning home. He had seen it there when they had been drifting through the different floors of the place just before they had bought the fan she was using still. When James had made the decision to buy a ring and marry Sonya he had engineered a trip for the two of them and while she was spending time with one of her friends he had slipped away and not come back until he had found what it was that he saw before. He knew she would love it, he had seen her looking it over before. After James came home he put the ring away and it had remained hidden until the Shift had changed everything. The ring was tucked away with everything else when she came back and locked away in her trailer safe in a fit of regret after she came home. Jenny had been devastated that Sonya never saw it on her finger and putting it on her own afterward was something that she would have retched at the thought of doing. But watching it being slid on her finger by Derek was completely different. Feeling it slip over her knuckle and come to rest there felt right to her, like the closing of a circuit that had been delayed for too long. The rest of the set; the wedding rings for herself and for Derek were still in the safe for now. Only it was Derek's safe that they were resting in. They wouldn't be staying there for very long though. The clerk at the courthouse told them that they would have the paperwork finished in the next couple of days. When they went to pick it up then the rings would come with them and go on their fingers for good. She called to Derek to let him know that they were here. He went outside and started helping them bring in the bags and carrying them into the house. Kira and Dianne helped Danny open up the pop-up camper for Amelia to use when she came down later. They had kept putting off bringing it back after it had been moved here and it was still sitting in the back yard where Derek had chained it down. Derek's house had four bedrooms, but even with that they would be needing both the camper and Jenny's trailer for all of those who would be here. After they had gotten their things stowed for the most part, Danny had taken her aside and asked her if she had lost her mind going off like that by herself. Jenny answered by telling him to look in her murse. Seeing the butt of her pistol resting inside of the black bag settled him down a bit, but he still made a point of telling her that it was a stupid thing to do. She told Danny that may end up being up for debate and then extended her left hand so she could show him her engagement ring. "Derek and I are getting married as soon as we have our marriage license Mom," she said. ------------------------------------------------------------------------