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Wish Shift: Chapter Thirteen
Confessions
Year 1 A.S. Day 76
"I'm sorry to hear that," Derek said. "Is she one of your friends? I've
heard you and your family mention the name from time to time, but I don't
think I've met her."
Derek was trying to be polite she realized. She realized also that she
needed to tell someone about it now, so she asked him if he had time to
sit down for a bit. When he asked her why she told him that if he really
wanted to know that then he should sit, because this was going to take a
few minutes to go through. Derek looked around. The place was still
pretty quiet at this time of day, so he said if someone came in he would
just take care of them and come back and she could pick up where she left
off at.
She told him that she appreciated it and that she needed to talk with
someone. She told him that she didn't want to go over this with family
just yet. She felt that she knew Derek and the others here well enough
now, that she thought she could share at least this much.
She started telling him about how she had switched, but she kept it
brief, not mentioning those details he didn't really need to know. She
told him about how the Switch had given her; not only a new body with its
own complications, but also a new son, J.L. She talked about how daunting
it was for her to suddenly be, not only a woman, but also the mother of a
thirty-seven year old man, even if he was her infant son inside. Lastly
she told him about the twins that she didn't know had come with her
change of body and how one of them might be Sonya; the woman she had
loved and whose body she would now wear the rest of her life.
Eventually she got to what had brought her to Java Jolts and this
conversation today. She told him that up until now she really didn't know
what to expect, but she had been hoping that no matter what had happened
she would have Sonya as she was back with her eventually. That was most
of what had mattered to her as the days had stretched into weeks and now
months. She told him how she had started doing what she was doing as a
woman as a way of keeping Sonya alive until she was re-born or until
someone figured out how to reverse the Switch. She didn't tell him about
any of the things that Mom and Dr. Warren had discussed with her about
this though. He didn't need to know and going through it once had been
bad enough.
She said that she didn't really know what to expect, but even then she
had hoped and she had kept on hoping. But today, after what Dr. Min told
her that about what she suspected would probably happen, Jenny finally
had to face that all that might be left of Sonya would be a really gifted
little boy or girl and now she had no idea about what she should do
without that hope being there anymore. After she told him the last of it
he told her that he was really sorry to hear about all of this.
Derek mostly sat quiet through Jenny's long subdued explanation. He
already knew quite a bit of what she told him from pieces of conversation
that he had picked up when bringing Jenny and her family their orders. He
usually overheard quite a bit whenever any regulars came here, but it was
not like he was listening in, even if he was paying attention to her when
she came in.
"But she did say that it was all a possibility? Right?" Derek said.
"She did say that she really didn't know and that all options are still
on the table. Right?" he asked her.
"Yeah, but the way she said it to me I just think she was going down the
list and she didn't really think that Sonya will come back as she was
inside. And the bad thing is that I realized that I had already started
to feel that myself."
She stopped talking then and didn't say anything more for a little while,
then Jenny thanked him for listening to her even though he really didn't
have to. He told her not to worry and asked her if he could get her
anything. She asked if she could get the spiced tea she usually got and
he said he'd get one for her and asked her to wait a few minutes while he
got it ready. When he brought it back to her she started reaching into
her murse to get some money, but he waved her off.
"On the house," he said. "I think you need a little something for
yourself after hearing news like that." She tried to pay him still, but
he still refused. She just thanked him again and put her murse away. She
slowly sipped her tea and tried to sort out her feelings a little more.
There was no one home right now so there was no overwhelming reason to go
there just yet. She didn't want to break this news to the family by a
text and if she was going to talk to them she really wanted to do it face
to face and not over a phone. Talking with Derek had taken a little of
its weight off of her, but the burden was still there.
She sat outside and watched what cars there were pass by and drank her
tea. Derek brought her another and again told her to put her money away.
Jenny tried to pay him anyway and told him she didn't want him to get in
trouble with his boss. Derek told her not to worry about that, then he
turned to the big window and looked at his reflection in the plate glass.
"Hey boss, is it ok if I do this?" he said to himself.
"Sure," he said back to himself. "I don't have a problem with it."
He looked back at Jenny. "I own this place so you really don't need to
worry about a couple of free drinks. If I can't do a good turn for
someone when they really need it, I might as well be working for someone
else."
She thanked him again. He said if she needed some company just ask and
she said she didn't want to bother him. He said it was wasn't and sat
down with her for a while just keeping her company until she finally had
to leave.
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Year 1 A.S. Day 81
The next two sessions with Dr. Warren were mostly one long session spread
out over a couple of days. This was a big issue for Jenny to go over and
he didn't want her to try to power through it. When she came in on Friday
it was still something that he could see was haunting her thoughts. But
surprisingly for him it was not all that she had on her mind. He asked
her if she felt up to going over what else was troubling her and she said
that she was.
"I guess one of the things that keeps coming back to me is what Dr. Min
said about Sonya possibly feeling jealousy when I am romantically
involved with someone else," she said.
"And should you be concerned over that?? he asked. "Is there someone who
could be taking that kind of position in your life?"
"No, there isn't," she said. "And there isn't anyone who is even remotely
near that chance either," she said. "What I think bothered me about that
is that it is a complication that I really wasn't wanting to think
about."
"There are a great many people who have had the same views now just as
they had before the Switch, so you should understand that you are in no
way unusual in your feelings. They are reasonable and perfectly normal
for anyone in your situation," Dr. Warren said taking notes.
"I think I can understand that. It's not that I'm questioning that I
don't feel any room inside myself for anything more from someone else
right now. It really isn't that. I think I'd have been fine with being
who I need to be for now and it wasn't an issue for me until this week.
I've not even had the possibility of being with anyone as a
consideration. This whole time I've been dealing with everything else and
literally the last thing that is on my list of things is being involved
with a man at all," she said to him.
"You said it wasn't an issue until this week. Has something changed to
bring this to your attention recently?" Dr. Warren asked.
"You bet there has," she said in a hesitant, embarrassed way.
"I woke up a couple of days ago from an intense sexual dream. I couldn't
stop gasping for a few minutes after I woke up and I had to change the
sheets on the bed because I had saturated them. And I couldn't get back
to sleep for over an hour after that as well."
"Can you remember any specifics from this dream that stand out to you?"
"Only that I was definitely female and very enthusiastic. I was fucking
like a porn star if you really want to get specific and I wasn't
questioning any of it. I was just being there in the moment and all I was
doing was letting the feelings wash over me."
"Tell me about it then," he said. "Just the details you're comfortable
sharing. There is no need for you lay yourself bare so to speak."
Jenny took a slow breath. She had thought that this might be something
that she would have to go over since the night it had happened. When she
knew that the feelings that she had were not going away and would likely
come again, she faced the thought that she may have to tell at least Dr.
Warren about it.
"I don't know when it started," she said. "One moment there was just
nothing and the next moment I was immersed in it."
"Well it was a dream, they usually have their own rules for us when we
have them."
Jenny nodded and started to tell him what she remembered.
"I don't know when it started, but I was here in my travel trailer and I
was who I am now. The first thing I realized was that I was on my back.
My legs were spread so wide that I could feel the sides of my knees lying
flat against the bed. Whoever he was, he was already deeply inside of me.
He was moving slowly and I could feel him sliding inside against the
ridges inside of my pussy. He was stretching and filling me and I was
mewling and moaning in pleasure because I was so happy that my cunt was
full again and when I felt him cum in me all I could do was just scream
at how good it felt."
"But it wasn't over. Somehow suddenly, no sooner than I had felt that
happen when everything changed and I felt myself getting fucked again in
a different way. How I was getting fucked completely changed. I wasn't on
the bed anymore. He was deep inside of me and my legs were wrapped around
him. I was leaning against the wall and using my legs to ride up and down
his shaft while he held me up with it. I felt his hands cupping my ass
against the wall and my arms were around his shoulders. Every time I came
down hard and I felt myself sliding around him and crushing him against
my clit, all I wanted was for him to ram into me even harder than he was
doing."
"While he held me against the wall and fucked me he had my breasts in his
mouth, first licking one then the other then over and over teasing my
nipples with his teeth while I ground against him and began screaming to
him to give me even a little bit more. I know my nails were tearing at
his back and I felt him cum inside of me again I just wrapped myself
around him and I didn't want him to stop. I just couldn't get enough of
feeling him fill me up with his cum. I needed more of it even though I
already had it inside of me."
"He carried me over to the bed and just put me down on it. I was on my
hands and knees and he was inside of me again just behind me. He kept
telling me how he was going to keep fucking me like this until neither of
us could stand and all I could do was demand that he stop talking about
it and do it. The last thing I remember before I orgasmed was my voice
shouting fuck me, fuck me, fuck me. I think I was actually shouting that
and that was what woke me up as much as the orgasm itself."
"And what do you think brought this on?" he asked trying to gauge her
thoughts. She was also pretty sure that the reason that he had moved his
notebook the way he had was to conceal how her graphic description had
affected him.
"I really don't know," she said. "I have had zero sexual desire since the
Shift. I still remember what I did and how it felt, but between then and
now it's like it has been switched off and somehow it got switched back
on this week and I don't know why."
"Do you think it may have something to do with what Dr. Min told you
about what may be happening with Sonya? Is it possible that sub-
consciously now that you know that you may no longer have the potential
of that relationship hanging over you that you may have given yourself
permission to have feelings like this for yourself?"
"I hope not," she said. "I would hate to think that even with what I
know, that all it took was that to make me change. Even with Dr. Min
telling me that, I still hope that she is wrong and that when she can,
Sonya will look up at me and let me know that she's there even if we
can't be together the way we were again."
"You know," he said, "you may be overlooking a simpler reason for this
recent change. You have not been sexually active nor have you felt the
desire to do so in almost two and a half months. Times of crisis often
shut down the sexual drive in many people but underneath that you still
are a young woman with all of the innate desires that your body possessed
before the Shift."
"And in addition to those normal and natural desires you would be feeling
in the normal course of events you also have the fact that your body is
still undergoing dramatic changes in its hormonal chemistry every moment
as well. This could be nothing more than a normal reaction, in your case
to pregnancy. Some women do have a heightened libido during some portions
of their pregnancy. Perhaps in your case it is as simple as that?"
"Maybe," she said in an unconvinced sounding voice. "Maybe it's something
more and I haven't figured out what it is yet."
"Jenny have you considered that aspect of your life. Really considered
it?" Dr. Warren said to her.
"No, like I said. It's something that I've been ignoring. There has been
so much going on in other areas that I've kind of been grateful that I
haven't had any demands of that kind."
"Was Sonya a woman with little interest or inclination for sexual
contact?" he asked.
"No, I mean. I thought that her interest was normal. It's not like she
was some kind of nymphomaniac or anything, but she did enjoy that part of
our lives as much as anyone would I think," she said thoughtfully.
"Jenny," he said. "It may very well be that your recent increased arousal
is related to your pregnancy. Or it could simply be a matter of what is
now your natural desire for sexual contact re-asserting itself, now that
many of the things that have caused you so much stress have receded.
Whatever the reason, you will have to eventually come to terms with this
aspect of yourself now. That you are a healthy young woman who does have
the desire for sexual intimacy and that desire will only grow in the days
ahead."
"I'm really not sure I'm ready for that," she said. "I'm just starting to
get a little bit settled with everything. So much of what has been
hanging over me doesn't feel so final. I just don't think I should or
even if I can really."
"From what you have told me, I don't think that it is a matter of you
being able to, but possibly you needing to adjust to this change and
accept the permission that you may be extending to yourself in this
manner. Did you intend to remain alone the rest of your life after you
have had these two children?" he asked.
"No, like I said. I haven't considered it. And the idea that I could be
with someone else still makes me feel like I'm cheating on her," Jenny
said turning her face away from him.
"But are your possible actions really doing that?" he asked her.
"I guess not, not in the situation that I am in. But it still feels like
that when I consider anything of the sort," she said in a less convinced
voice.
"Jenny you need to understand that these feelings are not going to go
away. Sexual dreams and their physical effects are common in both men and
women. They are a natural expression and shouldn't be seen as a means of
shaming yourself for having the natural urges that you have felt and will
continue to feel," he leaned forward a bit.
"You don't have to make a decision now, but eventually you will have to
make a choice that will involve what you are going to allow yourself to
do to fit this part of yourself into the whole. Perhaps that will mean
nothing more than masturbation, perhaps you may find yourself taking a
lover sometime when that is not sufficient. Or perhaps it will lead you
to establishing yourself as the woman in a permanent relationship with a
man. I don't think it would be healthy for you to dismiss these outcomes
from your consideration."
"I don't think I want to be any man's wife," she said. "But I also know
I'm not gay. I know that I just don't see random men and want them
either. And the idea that I would be someone's girlfriend and maybe later
their wife anytime soon is just so hard for me to take in. I was just
getting uncomfortable with the idea that I have these desires and now I
have to consider that sometime in the future I may find myself
considering spending the rest of my life sharing my bed with a man. That
I would want to be giving myself to him and doing the things a wife is
supposed to do for him? I just can't see it. I look at it when you say
that and I just don't see myself fitting into that role anytime soon."
"Jenny," Dr. Warren said. "As with so many other things that you have
facing you, this is not a decision that you have to make now. And in the
end it will be something that you will either choose to do or not choose
to do. Just as other women have had to come to terms with their choices
in this matter, you eventually will as well."
"At least you do not have the added complication of dealing with being a
homosexual woman. Regardless of how easy it may seem that it could be. It
would mean for you an entirely different experience of learning not only
the old rules for that life, but whatever is coming in how society
adjusts to this change,? he said.
"Sometimes, especially since I have started feeling this ... arousal, I
think that might have been easier. I mean I wouldn't have had any changes
in what I looked at as desirable and it isn't like it was before with
people having such strong feelings against being gay," she said almost
wistfully.
"That is true, if for nothing else we can thank the Shift for settling
the idea that homosexual orientation was a choice. It did take having
countless male and female homosexuals finding that their new bodies came
with new straight desires and former straight men and women finding that
they now had no choice either in desiring partners of the same sex, but
at least that idea is firmly cast aside," he said.
"But for you that is not something that you have facing you. Your
choices, thankfully for your situation, are a little more or less what we
used to consider conventional. But eventually you will have this choice
to make," he finished.
"A couple of weeks ago, Dr. Waverly gave me some suggestions on what I
should do if I wanted to have sex during the pregnancy," she said. "I
thanked her for bringing it up, but I also told her that I really wasn't
interested in that. Now I think that I may have been too hasty. Or maybe
not," she shook her head. "I just don't know. I thought I was starting to
adjust and then this."
"Then perhaps, like the pregnancy this is something that you would find
yourself in need of a little assistance in getting your bearings you
might say," Dr. Warren leaned back. "You might find that you could
benefit from exploring this new side of yourself, but do it on your terms
and at your pace. Whatever you choose to do the only choice that would be
definitely negative would be to ignore its presence in your life."
They talked about it for the rest of the session. Jenny didn't feel like
embracing any part of this bit of herself in the sense of a relationship
with others, but she also still was feeling the aftereffects of the dream
even now and she found wanting to explore that aspect of herself a more
tempting prospect now than it had been before.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------
Year 1 A.S. Day 84
She was more than a little hot and bothered a few days later when she
woke from an even raunchier version of her last dream. As she lay there
feeling the aftereffects of waking up that way she knew she had to do
something this time. In the darkness over the next hour she allowed her
hands to wander where they would and allowed herself to feel the pleasure
she could bring herself from her own hands.
While that exploration of herself did tamp down the need it didn't really
stop her new sexual awakening. She had actually shaded what she said to
Dr. Warren a bit. Sonya had been as randy a woman as she had been a man.
Looking back on their vanished sex life she was more surprised that Sonya
had not gotten pregnant by her earlier. Jenny had used condoms when she
needed to then, but there had also been other times when they just didn't
bother.
Maybe Sonya had just missed something that she normally did regularly
when she had gotten pregnant, maybe she had known it was likely and just
didn't care because she knew that they would both be happy with it.
Either way Jenny thought that Dr. Warren was more right than he knew and
that she couldn't ignore her physical desires like this. It was too
distracting for her that she was feeling that ache more often when she
woke in the morning.
She fell into a regular pattern of masturbation in the evening most
nights in an effort to curb her gradually increasing desires. But after
the last one woke her with heart pumping, muscle clenching fervor deep in
the night and left her trembling with unsatisfied lust she finally
decided that she needed more than her hands and that she would visit
Kirby's in the morning.
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