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Wish Shift : Chapter Ten Tabula Rasa Year 1 A.S. Day 56 Before they went to Dr. Waverly's, Kira and Dianne took her to get a couple of new sets of clothes. Jenny had already apologized to them for being angry with how they reacted to her risking herself and the twins, but there were still some dark feelings swimming around them. She was still out of sorts herself as well. She was wearing the last of her inherited bras and in the last couple of days it had been much too tight for her. Her nipples had become even more sensitive than they usually were the last few weeks and now they were driving her to distraction with them being pressed uncomfortably tight and confined as they were in the padded cups. Dr. Warren had told Kira and Dianne what they needed to look for so Jenny walked with them into the store and followed them around while they found enough things to put together two or three loose outfits for now. At first she thought that they were playing a joke on her from how large they were, but Dianne assured her that they were not. The changing room was too small for all three of them, so Kira stayed outside while Dianne went in and helped Jenny measure herself. Dianne watched her strip down and take off her bra. Jenny noticed in the mirror that her areolas were much larger and her nipples had turned a distinct shade of brownish-red instead of their more normal pink and they somehow seemed more lumpy to her as well. She asked Dianne if she should get some medicine for the irritation and Dianne told her to ask Dr. Waverly about it when they got there later. Dianne checked the measurement and leaned out the door, told Kira what to look for and asked her to go and see what she could find. When Kira came back and thrust a handful of bras over the door into the changing room Jenny thought that they had to be the wrong size. She thought that they looked too big for her. But Dianne told her to just try them on instead. She donned the new bra and found that it was just barely loose on her slightly larger breasts. "I thought so," Dianne said. "You were barely an A cup before, probably on the high end of an AA. And now you are just below a B cup, you should have said something before now Jenny. It can't have been comfortable for you the last couple of weeks trying to squeeze into that," she said, indicating the small blue and white padded bra laying on the bench seat. Jenny said that it hadn't been. She looked into the mirror and realized that even with its looser fit, her breasts were now as large in her new unpadded bra as they were in the padded ones she had started needing to wear less than two months ago. Not only had they increased in size but they were rounder as well she thought. She moved to shift them a little and winced a little at their soreness. Still tender she thought. Once she had her shirt on, Dianne paused before opening the door. "And, Jenny," she said looking back over her shoulder, "Don't wait so long next time, I wouldn't be surprised if you have to replace these as well before too long." Jenny told her that she didn't think she would, but Dianne started telling her about two of her cousins. One had stayed the same size until the last month and then gone up two sizes. And the other had grown steadily all through her pregnancy and ended up as an F cup when the baby came. She looked at Jenny as they walked through the store. "You look like you're going to be the type who is going to grow steadily, or you could stay this way and blow up into Jessica Rabbit after the babies come," she said making a half-serious sideways look at her. Jenny looked down on her small frame and couldn't imagine something that large there and told Dianne she really hoped she wasn't jinxing her. She didn't know what she would do if she had that problem later. But even as she said the words she couldn't help also thinking of what the part of her that was still male would have thought of it, if it was happening to Sonya and not to her. "Just what I need," she said. "Every guy around seeing a walking pair of tits," Dianne laughed. "Welcome to the club," she said only half- jokingly. They went from the store to Dr. Waverly's office. When she came in with the empathy belly cradled in her arms, Jenny thought they were joking again. "I think that's really too big, where's the real one?" she said. Dr. Waverly shook her head and told her that it was about the size that she should expect to become in just over three months and that perhaps, she may even be larger since she was having twins. Jenny just gulped to herself as she considered the thought and started taking off her shirt. As they were fitting it, she told her that this one had been modified so as not to put undue pressure on her own expanding body and the twins inside her. She felt the change in balance and how it made her adjust how she carried herself as soon as they put it on. They had removed the upper part so that her breasts would not be part of the harness and as they finished fitting her and she put her new shirt on she did not recognize herself in the restroom mirror when she went to look. Under her shirt the loose fabric of the new cloth was pushed far out in front by the protruding form beneath. The woman in the glass in front of her leaned back instead of standing straight. There was no mistaking her condition to anyone who would see her. The padding had also widened her sides and her arms no longer fell straight down. The shirt hem hung free in front of her belly and traveled in a straight line all the way around her hips. She concentrated on looking at her body and not her face. "That's what I am now," she said to herself. "That's who I'm going to be from now on," she walked out of the room and felt herself having to use a slight waddle as she moved. Dr. Waverly asked her if she had any problems Jenny needed to ask her about while she was here. Jenny said yes and asked her if she had could get something for treating her irritated nipples. Dr. Waverly told Jenny to take off her bra to show her what she meant. After gently examining her, Dr. Waverly told her to not worry that she was having nothing happen to her that was not normal. Jenny pointed to one nipple and asked her how this could be normal. Dr. Waverly smiled and told her to think of them as bulls-eyes for the twins to find when they got hungry. Jenny shuddered again and had to spend the rest of the drive home adjusting to the idea that this part of her body had a purpose that she would be needing before too many more months. They went back home and Jenny fidgeted about the trailer the rest of the evening trying to get herself adjusted. Finally she said she needed to lie down. But even when she could find a comfortable position she kept thinking about the things that had been confronting her during the day. The things that she had been forced to face about how she had been acting. She had almost convinced herself that she was well on the way to adapting to her changed circumstances after she had spoken with mom, she certainly had convinced Dianne. She had willingly made a lot of choices to consciously dress in what would have been considered a very female manner before the Shift. A lot of those choices she realized now were only partly her own. Until today, she had heavily depended what Sonya had chosen for herself and she had just been picking pieces out as she needed them like candy from a box. She had asked mom for help in some of her other choices as well. But even as she had done that, she had kept their presence really at a minimum. Mom said she had to chose the kind of woman she wanted to be, but when she had been faced with a dangerous situation as a woman she had chosen the most hazardous path through it. She had chosen not to protect herself and the twins, but to try to show herself that she was still the man she was inside. Ever since Dianne had spoken those words to her. After she had gotten over her anger at Kira and Dianne for not supporting her, in her view, over how she dealt with the two men. She had been gripped with a resurgence of guilt. She acted like she was a free person when she had the ultimate level of dependence placed on her. It was irresponsible, it was selfish and she would never do it again. Dr. Warren and Dianne were both right and she promised herself to make the choices she needed to make now in the spirit of the person she was becoming and not the man she used to be, even if he had been good. She wasn't going to try to be that man inside anymore. She wasn't going to be a shadow puppet of a woman, even a good one like Sonya anymore either. But she was going to be who she needed to be, and the first thing she needed was to keep the twins safe. Not because one of them was Sonya, but because that was her first responsibility. And dad had always taught her to never shirk responsibility. Even with the discomfort she felt as she lay in the uncomfortable empathy belly looking at herself in the mirror, she mulled these things over. Her eyes kept being drawn to the silhouette of herself under the sheet reflecting in its surface. That was the woman she would become because that was who she was going to be. The Shift had not made that choice for her. She had made that choice with Sonya three months ago; the night they conceived these children. She may not have chosen to be their mother, but she did chose to be their parent. Tabula Rasa then, wipe the slate clean and begin again the way she needed to. She would be the woman she needed to be and the mother both of the infants inside her needed until she faced the next choice she needed to make. The night deepened and she finally went to sleep. ------------------------------------------------------- Year 1 A.S. Day 57 Mom and grandma got there the next day just after lunch. Grandma Amelia had the bright red hair she had inherited with her switch toned down to a more natural dark auburn and in the last few weeks since Jenny had come home she had grown out the hair from the closely shaved scalp on both sides. She still had marks from the piercings, but she was only wearing a single pair of earrings. Mom took one look at her and cracked that they had been away so long that Jenny was almost there now. Amelia just smiled. Kira and Dianne had to get going the next day, but they were going to leave the pop-up at Jenny's place, so that the family had a place to stay when they visited. Jenny figured that it would be some time before she would be left on her own. The thought both comforted and annoyed her, but after her behavior she was glad they would be here. It was about five when they had gotten everything swapped around and Kira's and Dianne's car packed. They piled in to Danny's car and went to Bob's, since Jenny didn't have nearly enough on hand to put a decent meal for all of them together. As they were getting out of the car and going in to get the table, Jenny said she needed to do something at the coffee shop. Grandma said she would go with her and they walked down to the end of the sidewalk where Java Jolts was. Jenny figured that Derek was probably the manager, since he had a card for this place. The shop was not that wide across, but it went back into the building forming an open rectangular room. Some small tables were scattered outside the plate glass windows flanking the main door as you walked in. Inside the shop was a mishmash of small tables growing like mushrooms between the bookshelves and small collection of larger tables. She had liked the place the first time she saw it and had dropped in from time to time. She mostly sat outside and Kira or Dianne had gone in to order. So even though she had been here several times before, she didn't know the names like she did the people who worked at Bob's. She went up to the cashier and asked if she could see Derek. The short red haired man asked her to wait a minute. He went into a door leading into a back room. She waited and in a few minutes Derek came out the door and looked around. He looked at her and then looked again. He leaned back into the room and yelled to Mindy that he was going to get him for this. He walked to the counter, flipped it up and came out from behind the work area. He looked at her. "Wow, now that is a big change," he said looking at Jenny's empathy belly. "My doctor wants me to wear it," she said as an explanation. "What are you going to get Mindy for?" she asked. "He said my ex-girlfriend was here and she was really pregnant." "Not funny," she said. "Who's your ex-girlfriend? He looked behind him at Mindy peeking through the door. He leaned in to Jenny and said Mindy had been his girlfriend before, but she had shifted into someone on the other side of her neighborhood and neither of them were into guys. She told Derek that she had filed the police report and that they may contact him to take a statement. He asked her to wait a minute and went back into the office. He came back a few minutes later and handed her an pale envelope. She opened it. Inside it was the ultrasound photo she had dropped. She looked at him and said thanks and that she had not noticed it was missing. He was sitting down now, but when he stood she guessed he was a little over six feet high. He looked about the same age as she was now. His brown hair wasn't too short or too long. He was a nice looking guy, in some ways he reminded Jenny of how she used to be except he was not as muscled as she had been and he was younger. She told him that she wanted to thank him for stepping in the other day and he asked if she was all right. She told him that she was. She didn't want to share with him the soul searching she had been doing since then. And since she didn't know what to say now that she had done what she came in to do, she told him she just wanted to let him know that and then got up and said that she had to go and meet the rest of her family for lunch now. As she turned to go, he asked her to come back if she needed anything and let him know. Grandma Amelia made a saucy comment about him as they were walking out the door and Jenny looked back at Derek and blushed. When she asked her why she would consider doing that Amelia gave her a leer and said she was entitled to because she was young enough to do something about it now. Jenny snorted, blushed a little deeper red and they went into Bob's to meet with everyone else. ------------------------------------------------------------------------- Year 1 A.S. Day 58 Kira and Dianne stayed as long as they could the next day. When she considered what life would be like without them around Jenny realized that as much as she had liked and appreciated Dianne before the Shift, now that she was going to be gone, Jenny was going to sorely miss her. When she leaned over to compensate for her new belly she hugged Dianne much more tightly and with greater feeling than she had when she was James. They drove away and she went back into the trailer with mom and grandma Amelia. Mom asked her to step back so he could look at her. After he did he shook his head and said that it was like getting a look at the future. Jenny's anxieties flared up and she realized that no matter how much that Dr. Warren had spoken about this with her and regardless of what she had accepted about herself, she still had a long way to go to be comfortable with the idea of the reality of her pregnancy. Amelia asked her a question. Jenny had been thinking and hadn't heard what she said. She asked her to say it again. "I asked if we could get a look at the clothes that you said still fit you," Amelia said again. Jenny made her way back to her room. She immediately felt what the change of having a much larger belly meant in moving down that short narrow passage. It was harder for her to bend over as well. She called back to her mom and asked him to come help her bring them forward. He came back and she handed them to him through the door. She ended up bringing everything for the most part into the center of her travel trailer. Looking at the small pile of things she could still fit and the large one that there was no chance of doing that with, it struck her how much of Sonya's borrowed life was now slipping away. She kept feeling flashes of guilt over things like that since she got into that fight. She started handing things to grandma Amelia to look over. She and mom would hold them up, spread them out and then put them to the side. When they ran out of the clothes that still fit, they looked over the ones that didn't. Quite few things sparked Amelia to comment on how tiny they were. Mom looked at her after they had looked over the last one and asked her to take off her empathy belly. Jenny said that Dr. Waverly wanted her to keep it on as much as possible, but mom said she had a good reason and that they would strap it back on her when they were done. Once she had it off they handed her the largest item of clothing she had. A black and white dress. The white was mostly over the collar and shoulders in an inverted triangular shape and it fell to mid-knee. They asked her to go and put it on for them. She went back into the bedroom to change appreciating how much easier it was to move without the belly, but that thought reminded her of her pregnancy again and that, in a short time, the belly she would be trying to manuver inside the trailer walls would be real. She came back with the dress on and both of them looked her over and started checking how it fit her. She went back and got changed and threw on a t-shirt. The lower edge of it rode up from the bottom a little even now. Mom looked at her. "And how long do they want you to wear this thing?" he said pointing at the harness in the chair where they had tossed it. "At least two, possibly three weeks," she said. "And then they just want you to go back to just dressing without it?" he asked. "I guess so," she said. "Pull up your shirt Jenny," he said to her. "I want to look at something." She pulled the white fabric up to just below her new bra. Her mother ran his hand over her slight bulge. "I thought so," Amelia said. "What?" she asked. "Honey," Grandma Amelia said, "I don't think you are going to wear any of these clothes again until a while after you have the twins." "They still fit," Jenny protested. "Not for much longer they won't, and for the next three weeks you can't wear them at all. By the time that you get out of that device everything here will just be too small for you," she pointed out. "I think we are going to need to go clothes shopping with you tomorrow Jenny," she heard mom say. "You really should send these back with your mom," Grandma Amelia said looking at the clothing scattered around the trailer. "You don't have much space here already." Jenny said that was probably the best thing to do, but as she said the words she realized that this part of Sonya's borrowed life hadn't almost slipped away, it was already gone. It struck her that from now on when she looked in the mirror that nothing she would be wearing would trigger memories of Sonya. The idea was something she hadn't considered last night in her musings, so she made plans for tomorrow in her mind and listened to mom and grandma as they talked. ----------------------------------------------------------------------- Year 1 A.S. Day 58 The next morning, when Mom came in from the pop up, Jenny was already waiting for her. She wasn't wearing her empathy belly. She had gotten up a bit early and had gotten her shower. When she stepped out she looked at the tiny toilet next to the shower stall and had a burst of gratitude that her morning sickness seemed to have finally faded a bit. It had been a few days since she had to streak to the nearest toilet and now that her meals were staying down the last few days she was eating so much less. She had a new appreciation of why Kim had called morning sickness the choke and puke express. Shortly after they had driven down here. She had driven to the store alone. She had come back with a small cosmetic case and put it away. She had never regularly used anything more than lipstick and eyeliner most days, but today she had something different in mind. She was glad they would have some time together. Grandma Amelia may be younger than mom now, but she tended to sleep later, if left to her own devices. Jenny was sitting on the stool by the bar counter next to the tiny kitchen. She was only wearing a new pair of panties, one of her new bras and a loose t-shirt that she had bought to sleep in when Kira and Dianne took her to get some clothes to wear with her empathy belly. "I want you to do something for me mom," she said when he came in. "What did you have in mind?" he asked pouring some hot water in a mug. "This," she said, sliding the cosmetic case out of its bag. "I want you to help me do everything right, before I go out today." Mom looked over the counter to her and said all right. Then he asked her if there was any particular reason that she was asking it. Jenny said yes she did have one, but she'd like to keep it to herself for now. Mom shrugged his shoulders and opened the case and got started. Jenny asked him to tell her what he was doing as he did it and while mom slowly went through the stages with each part of what she had to do and why, Jenny paid close attention. She had a brief thought of how much easier it had been to ask mom to do this for her this time compared to the first time and then turned her attention back to what he was telling her. When he put the last finishing touches on her face and put everything away. Jenny went back to her room and got dressed. When she stepped out later Jenny was wearing the best outfit she had that still fit. The black dress with the white shoulder piece. Her mother looked at her as she put the package the new nylons she was wearing came in, in the trash. "You look beautiful, honey," he said. "But this is really unexpected. Can I ask why you're doing it?" Jenny asked if she could answer later tonight and he said alright. Grandma Amelia came in to the room from putting something in the pop up. She looked at her granddaughter and let out an approving hmm. She looked over at Danny and said, "I may have to up my game today," Mom asked if Jenny was ready. She said she was, so they locked up and went out to the car. Derek was at the counter when Jenny walked in to Java Jolts. She definitely had his attention if she wanted it, he thought seeing her weave through the tables to the counter. She was wearing black shoes with low heels and black stockings with the thigh length black dress. The white of the collar spread out over her shoulders. She was wearing jewelry today as well. A pair of jade teardrops hung from her ears and dangling between her breasts was a jade lion pendant hanging from a fine gold chain. He also noticed that she was completely made up as well which he hadn't seen her do before. "No belly today I see," he said. "You going someplace special?" "In a way," she said and left it at that. She got two coffees to go and a spiced tea. As he was ringing her up he said that he was surprised that she came in today, rather than sit outside and asked what had changed. She told him that it was that the smell of coffee wasn't making her hurl as much lately. Derek shook his head at the horror of being denied coffee and handed her the order. He watched her as she walked out and then got back to work. ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Danny put down yet another pair of pants in disgust. He looked over at his daughter, trying to paw her way through a stack of baggy elastic waist jeans. "Have you got anything over there yet Jenny?" "I think I have a couple," she said, "but I don't know for sure yet." "I don't think you're going to have much luck back home," Amelia chimed in. "If it's giving you trouble here, it's going to be almost impossible there." "It's these short legs of mine is what the problem is," she said. Sonya's, now Jenny's legs were very short, if you were looking at her in a pair of shorts they gave the illusion that her torso was actually longer than it was. "If they were only a few inches longer, I found a lot more I could work with." She put down the pair of pants. "You know this is like looking for clothes in China," she said. Danny and Amelia looked at her and asked her what she meant. "Well, when I was over there, I could never find things like shoes, or jeans or most shirts because I was too big, now back here I'm too small. The only things I've found that were close were from the kiddies' section." "Amelia do you think we should give Jenny her next lesson in being a girl?" Danny said to his mother in law. "I think you should have done that the first time she reached for off the rack and expected not to have trouble," Amelia said. "But she's your daughter. I'll leave it to you to rattle that raisin inside her head." "When have you ever just done that?" he said to Amelia. The auburn haired woman tossed her head. "I dunno, there's always a first time." Danny went over to Jenny. He looked her in the eyes and said, "You're never going to find anything that fits." "Then why are we here then?" Jenny asked in a frustrated tone. "So we can find something that almost fits," Danny replied. "I'm beginning to think it would be easier to just get nothing but skirts and dresses," Jenny said sourly. "It would explain a lot of Sonya's fashion choices." "And is that something that would really bother you Jenny?" Danny asked. "No mom, not really. Only if I really want to wear pants that day," Jenny said. The truth was that once she had taken the time to think it through after the fight, one of the things that she realized was that she no longer felt any twinge of trepidation over wearing her most feminine clothing. She had stopped feeling that weeks ago. The first time she stepped out the door when she got home, sure. She felt like an imposter and someone was going to yell tranny at her any second. She didn't know when she stopped looking at these as women's clothes and just saw them as clothes. And even though Dianne had made her angry a couple of weeks ago, when she complimented her on being the most feminine changed man in the family, it wasn't because of how she dressed. She had a thought that she wanted to hold on to for later. It had started to bloom this morning when she was getting ready with mom. As they were going to the different stores together the idea began to take shape and blossom. She wanted to talk to mom about it this evening. If it worked out, then it would probably make some things a little easier, but she would have to call Liu Hong and see if it could be done quickly. She looked over and watched Amelia pick up another pair of jeans and start looking it over. Jenny sighed, it still felt off calling a nineteen year old grandma. She wondered what society should do with it and how this would make them all adapt. For the first time in a long time, she thought that maybe the Chinese, with their specific names for every degree of family relationship might be doing it right instead of just being complicated. Sure just having a single word for each relationship was easier, but right now it kind of struck her as a bit lazy and inadequate. She started wondering what they might be possibly calling someone in her grandma's position in China now. Jenny froze. She needed to call Dr. Min now. She reached for her phone and started walking away without saying anything. Amelia looked over to Danny. "That didn't look like an I need help come after me walk off." "Ask her when she comes back," Danny said. About twenty minutes later she came back to where they were and walked up to Amelia and Danny. She looked at Amelia and said, "Xiao waipo," with a big smile. Amelia looked at Jenny. "If that's what we're having for lunch, it better be good," she said. "No Grandma, it's you. 'Xiao waipo'. Little father's mother. That's what they're calling someone like you in China now. The same way they call almost all little girls there 'xiao mei mei'. It's the same idea. Xiao mei mei literally means little sister, but the way they use it, it means younger sister or just someone who is younger and female usually small children. Dr. Min told me that she is starting to see xiao waipo and xiao nainai pop up when she talks with people in China now. Xiao waipo. My young grandma, as in, my grandma is a young person." "She asked how I knew that term and I told her that I was thinking about how English really isn't prepared for describing family relations after the Shift and that maybe the way the Chinese did it had an advantage and the word just popped into my thoughts. She almost broke my speaker she was shouting so loud into my ear. She thinks that we just made a major discovery. She said it was one thing to be able to access or learn vocabulary and how to say it properly in the right order, but to think of something in a cultural context that is still developing now and have it be the same is something that she didn't expect. She thinks now that the we may be able to access some unconscious understanding of culture as well. She's really excited." "So you're trying to say the shopping trip is over for now then," Amelia said. "No xiao waipo," she said, "we don't have to do that at all." Amelia looked at Danny. "I'm not sure I know how I feel about her calling me that." "You'll live mom," Danny said and went back to shuffling through the racks.