The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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Series 1, Episode 18: Pamela
She’s an almost shapeless, anonymous woman in her late fifties. Off-blonde hair sits just short of her shoulders, spectacles, kind of plain faced. A chest you wouldn’t notice even if she was wearing a low cut top. She’s neither fat nor thin. Just – average. What she’s got is warmth. She looks friendly. Safe. Nice. She also possesses a grin so broad and gleaming that it looks almost fake and could make the most miserable old bastard smile.
When she speaks her Scouse accent is a dead giveaway that she was born and raised in Liverpool, but it’s not a hard accent to hear through.
“My name is Pamela Kilcline, I’m 58 years old, and I’m a primary school teacher from Liverpool.”
We watch video of her at work, teaching 9 year old children basic maths. She’s a good teacher, the kids are engaged. She makes them laugh as they learn. She delivers a monologue in voice-over.
“I married quite young, before I was out of teaching college, and we’ve had a good life together. It’s only ever been the two of us. I’ve never had anyone else since we got together, and neither has he ... But we’ve done just about everything we could do together. We like to have fun.”
What kinds of things?
“Oh, everything really. Lots of sex-toys ... Lots of anal. We’ve got a huge library of videos of us having sex, and of me masturbating in public places all around the world. I really like to show off, but I’m still a little shy.”
What first turned you onto the idea of sex with dogs?
“I’ve got this memory from when I was very young ... I don’t even know if it’s a real memory or something I imagined – but I can’t believe I would have imagined this at such a young age ... I remember walking into the front room at home when I was supposed to be asleep, and my dad was watching the dog mount my mother ... I left right away before they spotted me. I had no idea what it was until years later when I started to understand sex, and after that I had all these thoughts about her and the dog and whether they were doing what I thought they were doing. I got turned on thinking that maybe she was, and I wished I had been able to ‘test’ the dog, but by then he had already died. I told my husband about it a few years ago and it’s been on our sexual bucket list ever since.”
What does your husband think about all of this?
“It turns him on. We’ve talked about it before sex, and during sex ... He’s pretended to be a dog for, but make believe isn’t enough, is it?”
What do you want to achieve out of this experience?
“I just want to have some more fun ... I hope I’ll enjoy the dog, but I know what I’ll really enjoy is the idea of all my old pupils watching the show, and seeing me with the dog and thinking ‘Is that Mrs Kilcline having sex with a dog?’ – and it will be!”
What about your pupils now?
“I’d love to show them the video as part of a biology lesson...” She laughs out loud at her comment.
She talks direct to camera. “My name is Pamela Kilcline, and I want to have sex with a dog.”
She is wearing a white woollen cardigan top, a loose, flowing, knee length skirt, and a sensible pair of red shoes, a bit of a heel but nothing slutty. She looks every inch the respectable teacher as she kisses her husband goodbye and gets into her car. She drives away from their home, talking into a camera in the car.
Is your husband not coming with you?
“No ... He wants me to tell him all about it afterwards – and he wants to watch it when it’s on tv – but he doesn’t want to be there when it actually happens. I think he likes the idea of me ‘cheating’ on him with the dog.” She looks into camera. “I think I like that idea too!”
It’s a short drive, around a few corners, maybe only 10 minutes – driving along a narrow street with tightly terraced houses on either side. We arrive at the gates of a two story, brick building. Pamela uses a remote control and the gates slide open. She pulls into the empty car park and into a space marked “TEACHERS ONLY”. Two more cars pull in behind her. Our car, with crew and equipment, and the darkest legal tint windowed car of Drew, who’s come all the way from Glasgow for this with his faithful Boxer dog, Bruno.
Pamela has the keys to the school – she often comes in on weekends to tidy her class and prepare/mark work, etc. She waves at the council security guard, who waves back and continues on his rounds. He knows her well, she can be trusted to behave. He doesn’t even query why she’s taking a camera crew and a Boxer dog with her. Probably something to do with the new education syllabus.
We walk through the echoing corridors of the empty, school. Children’s writing and pictures displayed on the walls, on classroom windows. Pamela is a bit giggly as we walk, looking down at the dog scrabbling on the polished concrete floors. “I come in all the time. One of my little kinks is I like to sit at the front of the class, put my feet up on a couple of chairs, and fuck myself with a fistful of pencils, and pretend I’ve got a class-full of students watching me. I come in to do my work, and I end up wanking myself off two or three times then going home exhausted. Teaching isn’t exhausting – fantasy is!”
We arrive at her class and she unlocks that door, letting us in. Cameras are set up and sound equipment prepared whilst Pamela crouches infront of Bruno and makes friends with lots of head rubbing and face licking – at first it’s just him licking her face, but after a couple of slops, she starts to lick back – his tongue, his nose ... Then the two of them fighting over who can use their tongue the most. He wins. She laughs.
What do you think of Bruno here?
“He’s a very big boy ... He feels so strong too ... This could be more fun than I thought it would be!”
Are you looking forward to it?
“Oh fuck yeah!” She laughs, as if it was the stupidest question of all time.
And with that, everything is ready.
Pamela unbuttons her cardigan, removes it and places it on her desk. Then her dress and lays that out on her desk too. Bruno whines and wimpers, standing then sitting, keen to get started.
She stands there in her black bra, panties, elasticated hold-up stockings like she’s trying to decide what to do next ... Smiles, and removes her bra, letting those little titties loose. Her pointy nipples are hard with excitement. Then she slips her panties down a little to reveal that her pussy is clean shaven. Pausing with a giggle, then slipping them down her legs, over the stockings and off. She’s fully exposed now – boobs quite small and a little saggy, slim but not particularly firm belly, a little cellulite on her bum and thighs ... But she’s happy with herself.
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We start this week’s show with establishing footage from our drone camera as it flies over a large area of well-appointed parkland – bowling greens, rows of trees in large curves, recently mown lawns, a children’s play park, over a small lake, more trees and then down to the neat semi-detached houses beyond... Dropping all the way down to street level, bringing our host into view – a white speck on the pavement at first, then as we get closer – a nicer, more attractive speck ... Closer...
We fade in on high street – plenty of people around, obviously not during the Coronavirus lockdown. The camera swings around to face a bank, then moves in through the doors – past a member of staff on the front desk who waves at whoever is holding the camera (clearly knowing them) ... The camera moves past a line of customers and up to one of the cash windows ... The clerk behind the window looks up... She’s middle-aged, with a tired, almost ‘loose’ looking face – one of those big mouths...
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We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us like a perverted version of Supergirl ... She smiles at us, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea level over the Severn Estuary, between Wales (with a cartoonish huge flag waving on the coast, and the south-west coast of England, with...
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Footage through a car window, looking out at a twilight sky and a virtually empty motorway ahead ... There’s a car in the distance ahead of us, an occasional car or truck coming the other way, passing us at speed, nothing like you’d expect from a busy rush hour motorway. Then we’re looking down at the driver from a high angle, corner mounted GoPro. The driver, as you’d expect, is the cleavage heavy, filthy looking pornstar-esque Charley Ozvik, the face of the British bestiality business, and...
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Series 5, Episode 7: Asha Goyal We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our host, Charley, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth...
With series 12 completed, we roll straight through into series 13 - the same hosts, doing the same things all over again ... Aren’t we getting bored of this yet? Well, it appears not ... So... We start this week’s show with establishing shots of quiet suburban streets – semi-detached homes, very middle class and safe... And then, stepping into frame from the side, moving from behind the camera to infront - this week’s host ... Still the nation’s least likely sex symbol – short, fat,...
Series 6, Episode 11 – Janine Saunders (18), from Birmingham We fade in on a nice townhouse in a nice neighbourhood – then we cut to inside the house and see our hostess – Charley – sitting at her desk, a large computer editing suite laid out infront of her (big computer, multiple screens, etc.) She appears to be editing an episode of ‘The United Kingdom of Zoo’ as we watch, although there’s nothing sexual on screen at the moment, just a young couple walking a large Alsatian. Charley turns...
As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
We open with our beautiful animated shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Then our cartoon, top heavy tattooed version of Charley appears, floating in the sky with us, winking and smiling - then waving for us to follow her as she turns and falls toward the country at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit toward the northern part of England, all the way down to a large old city of Sheffield right in the middle, in just a few seconds. Our animated Charley leads us all the...
Series 9, Episode 16: Sienna Triosi (24), from Ipswich We open with a shot of a very boring, street two-up two-down terraced houses. Small paved front yards provide off street parking for a couple of small cars each. And then, walking up the street toward us – the chunky figure of our favourite Cockney wideboy, Dennis, and beside him the sleek, narrow figure of his mean looking, hard-loving, but ultimately very well-behaved Doberman, Casanova. We track backwards as he walks – keeping him...
Series 3, Episode 10: Stacy On one side of the street a row of pre-War three-story buildings – shopfront downstairs, residential apartment/flats above. On the other side of the street, modern four/five level office buildings, and an old train station with a sign outside that reads, “Welcome to Enfield Chase”. We’re in North London to meet our next subject, and she’s a subject who’s worth meeting. Back to those shopfronts – one in particular – Hair By Hottinger. A modest hair and beauty...
Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...
Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...