The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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“Series 7, Episode 2: Kelly Mills (25), from Plymouth”
We open with a photo-session. A familiar looking young lady posing outside a nightclub as a small group of photographers, local media, take pictures of her.
She’s very slim, with short styled blonde hair. Wearing a mini-dress, cut low to show off her firm, wide spaced tits, with a high skirt to show off her slim legs. A few little tattoos are on show. When she smiles we see bright white teeth and a lot of pink gum. She’s posing up a storm ... If we didn’t know better we’d swear she was Miley Cyrus!
She speaks in voice-over, a generic home-counties rich-girl accent that we can’t quite place geographically, occasionally very posh, occasionally veering toward Essex-girl. “Hello ... My name is Kelly Mills ... I’m 26, and I’m a professional Miley Cyrus look-alike.”
We cut to a scene of Kelly in a bedroom, in her underwear now. French knickers and a boob-tube bra. We get a good look at a big dream-catcher tattoo on the side of her body. She’s laying out a couple of dresses on the bed, picking out something to wear for her special shoot.
“I never watched Hannah Montana when I was a kid ... I don’t really like Miley’s music or anything. I’m not a fan. But about 4 or 5 years ago people started telling me I looked like her – then I got my hair cut and dressed up like she was dressing, and I was getting into nightclubs and picking up free shit from the shops ... And everyone was coming up to me saying I was her ... I came up to London for a weekend with some friends, and the paparazzi was taking pictures of me outside clubs in the west end...”
We put paparazzi shots up on screen – showing Kelly coming out of a club. Then video footage of her being chased by the paps... “I figured, if I look that much like her, I could make some money off this...”
We cut to a photo of her flashing a very Miley-like smile toward the camera as a tattoo artist works on her body. “I made a bit of money and decided to go all in – I even got tattoos to match hers...”
We cut to a picture of two Miley’s side-by-side, the kind of thing you usually see at Madame Toussauds. It’s hard to tell if it’s Miley and Kelly, or if it’s Miley and her waxwork ... Or even Kelly and Miley’s waxwork. Kelly’s narration continues, “I met Miley once, when she was on tour ... She wanted to use me as a detour, but she also wanted to spend some time with me...”
We cut back to the footage of her picking out her dress ... She keeps talking, now in person, turning to look into the camera with a little smirk. “ ... I think she wanted to fuck herself ... Like looking in a mirror – but with touching and stuff...” She giggles.
We hear a male voice from behind camera. “Did you fuck?”
Kelly nods, “Yeah!” and laughs. “She was pretty good ... She’d done it before!” She laughs again.
We cut to footage of her walking out of a house, and heading through a wide courtyard. She’s wearing one of the two dresses – a skintight red mini-dress that leaves little to the imagination. She speaks in voice-over again. “I’ve come here because if Miley can fulfill her fantasy with me ... I’d like to fulfill my fantasy ‘as’ her...”
We cut to a photo of her on the front page of The Sun newspaper. We know it’s her because the headline reads, “MILEY LOOK-ALIKE CONTROVERSY” – we cut to another picture, inside the paper, Kelly posing next to a large horse, wearing a cowboy hat and a bikini. Other than a girl in a bikini standing next to a huge horse, there’s nothing sexual about the picture - but there is a blown-up version of the picture highlighting a tattoo on her belly. We can read the tattoo – simple black lettering that reads, “MILEY LUVS HORSECOCK”.
Kelly continues her narration, “I drew the tattoo on with a biro just before we started the photoshoot. I didn’t think anyone would notice. I just thought it would be my own little joke ... It got me a lot of publicity, made me a lot of money ... So it worked out for me ... But standing next to that horse – with that tattoo on me ... It really put it in my mind. And I thought...”
We cut back to the courtyard and Kelly talking directly to camera. “ ... If you want to have sex with a horse ... Who do you call?” She smiles. “The only people I could think of was you...”
She turns away from us and walks into a stable building at the end of the courtyard – we follow. Her narrow body and arse, and her square shoulders suggest that she works hard to maintain her frame. We’re looking forward to seeing more.
We follow her into the stables, through a doorway and then down between an aisle of stables, each occupied by a large horse. She looks from side to side as she walks, her narration continuing, “Miley tries to shock ... She’s a filthy girl – I can tell you - but I’m worse ... I’m determined to out-shock her ... We’ve all seen her nude, pissing, touching herself, kissing her girlfriend ... And I’ve seen her doing worse ... But we’ve never seen her bending over under a horse and forcing his huge cock into her cunt! Once I’m finished, with your help ... No one will ever be able to look at her the same way again!!”
We see her body language changing as she reaches the end stable and she sees the beautiful animal we’ve procured for her. A large black stallion, his short hair shining under our camera lights. Beautiful, powerful looking muscles tensing and rippling as he shifts weight from one hoof to another.
We’ve seen him before – at the end of series 5 with a couple of Polish sluts ... But this is obviously the first time Kelly has been up close with him ... It’s Champion, also known as the Wonder Horse – and Kelly is impressed!
“Oh ... My ... God...” She gasps as she walks toward him, her stride changing from the previously slinky, sexy walk to an almost flat footed, awestruck stagger. A big smile of amazement on her face as she comes right up close to him. “He’s beautiful...”
She reaches out and strokes his huge head, running her hand down from between his eyes to his wide nose. He drops his head slightly as she does it. Enjoying the touch.
Kelly looks over her shoulder toward us as she begins to talk, but quickly returns her focus to the animal – stroking and patting his head, bouncing her head along with his as she gets in sync with him. “I’ve always liked horses ... And I’ve been close to them before ... But it’s sooo different this time ... Because ... You know ... I’ve never walked up to one KNOWING I was going to have sex with it ... You know?” She giggles at the last bit.
We move around from behind her to the side, so that we can see her face-to-face with her lover-to-be ... She’s breathing hard and her bra-less titties are straining the material of her dress as she breaths in, her hard little nipples standing so proud we can see the little gold bar piercings through them both.
She leans in and gives him a little kiss on the nose, and he drops his big head down, brushing it down the front of her dress with enough force to almost pop her boobs out. She skips back, laughing and instinctively holding the top of the dress up. It wasn’t a deliberate move by the horse, but it was pretty effective all the same.
“He obviously wants me to take my dress off!” She giggles. Pausing, still holding the top of the dress, sizing him up. Her tongue running over her lips. Thinking about what she’s about to do ... Then looks up at the camera and smiles again, “Me too!”
She steps a little further back from him and turns to face our camera front on ... Then takes the front of her dress with both hands and slowly pulls the front down, showing more and more of her fist sized boobs, easing down to her nipples, then a teeny-tiny-weeny little bit further until they both pop out and bounce up. Firm and round, but small and wide apart. Perky. Perhaps a little larger than the real Miley’s much photographed tits – but not too big at all.
Then she pulls the dress over her flat belly, over her narrow hips and little bottom, and pulls it down her slim legs, stepping platform heeled shoes out of it and then casually throwing the dress to one of our staff off camera. Leaving her in nothing but a little pair of white bikini brief style panties, and a big pair of platform heeled shoes.
She steps back up to Champion’s side, stroking his head and the side of his neck, and moving up close to his front leg. Stroking down his flank until she is beside his huge chest. He’s been here before, he knows the drill – just let the pink thing get comfortable...
Kelly reaches her hands up and strokes the horse in two directions, one hand going to his neck and down to his front leg, the other along his back to his thigh, bringing her body closer to his, letting her soft titties press up against his hairy torso ... Her head to the side, facing our camera, a very relaxed and happy look on her face as she feels his hair against her sensitive nipples.
“Oooohhh, God...” She sighs... “This feels sooo ... Real...”
For the viewers it will feel somewhat surreal ... Other than her boobs being a little too big, and her gums perhaps a little too small, this naked woman looks just like an international superstar. If she could do the accent, we could probably sell this as the real Miley and no one would know any better!
She holds this position, her chest up against the horse, for a good half minute, just breathing as he breaths. “I want this to last forever...” She sighs, before contradicting herself by backing away, her legs wobbling a little from anticipation. She looks around at someone off camera and nods, as if receiving instructions from a someone not wired-for-sound ... And then she steps forward, bending slightly, and reaches under the huge animal’s belly.
Reaching under the magnificent beast – her fingers finding the huge, heavy, sheath that holds his organ ... Stroking it, from front to back. Stepping a little closer, hand sliding right to the base of the shaft, and to the horse’s big, heavy, balls. Slipping her hand under them, letting them hang down against her palm and fingers. Hefting them for weight ... Turning her head to the side so that we can see her smile and a little nod to indicate that she’s impressed!
She brings her hand back to his sheath and begins to rub and stroke it – making “Mmmmmmmm” noises. It’s almost like flicking a switch – as soon as she begins to stroke his privates, the horse’s cock begins to grow – eight inches of thick horse flesh, sliding out into view in one smooth movement, swelling quickly to ten inches, to twelve...
“OOohhhhhh!” Coos Kelly, very impressed with the new arrival. “OOohhh, that really IS beautiful...”
And now it’s Kelly that makes the smooth move – dropping down onto her haunches under the horse, wary of his hindlegs and large hooves, then leaning in toward that heavy twelve inches of cock ... Taking hold of it in one hand and bending it to the side, toward her approaching lips, opening wide and then wrapping them around the head, sucking her cheeks in as she gives the shaft a little jerk back and forth toward her mouth. Making “Mmmmm” noises again as she tastes horse-cock for the first time ... Then letting it flop out of her mouth, a little saliva dribbling over her bottom lip, and looking up – under the horse’s belly – to the camera, to comment that, “He tastes very fresh...”
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As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
We open with our beautiful animated shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Then our cartoon, top heavy tattooed version of Charley appears, floating in the sky with us, winking and smiling - then waving for us to follow her as she turns and falls toward the country at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit toward the northern part of England, all the way down to a large old city of Sheffield right in the middle, in just a few seconds. Our animated Charley leads us all the...
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We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...
Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...