The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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Series 7, Episode 5: Bianca Woodman (52), from Sunderland
We open on the kind of ugly post-modern concrete structure that was all-too-popular in the UK in the 70s and 80s. Low, oddly shaped, drab coloured. Attempts at landscaping have failed to make it look any more impressive. Light rain falls against a grey sky.
Inside, we see council workers hard at work (for the cameras), before we come to rest on one particular member of staff, walking along a corridor ahead of us, a couple of files under one arm. She’s slim, average height, with shaggy auburn hair hanging down over her shoulders.
She’s middle-aged and has certainly seen better days – her face is a little puffy and she’s wearing heavy make-up. Not unattractive, but no cover girl. Little Ms Average. She sims prim and proper, the very model of a civil servant. She wears a neat business suit, knee length skirt, blouse and jacket, everything neatly buttoned up to show off a figure that is a little pear shaped, but not overly so, and sensible heels. She does all she can to ignore the camera as she carries her files into her office – but a little look into the lens and a half-smile gives away her excited mood.
We hear her in voice-over, her accent light and polite, but with a distinct north-eastern twang. It suits her. “I’m Bianca Woodman. I’m 52, and I work for the Sunderland City Council.”
We cut to a ‘dungeon’ – actually the darkened back room of a detached home in the suburbs of Sunderland.
We pan across the walls to see various tools-of-the-trade – whips, dildos, strapon harnesses, nipple clamps, ropes, a roll of duct-tape, etc., hang from hooks on the wall, there’s a cross/wrack, and a bedframe with handcuffs attached to the bedhead ... Then we come to rest on a pair of boots...
Four-inch heels, the leather right up to the thigh ... We continue up and find that the woman in the boots isn’t wearing panties – but a leather harness that’s holding a 12-inch magnum black dildo ... Up further to see a tight leather corset that holds her waist in ridiculously tight, and pushes her boobs right up (her pierced nipples visible over the front of the leather bodice). Her head is down so we can’t see her face, but we do see the Nazi officer’s cap ontop of her slicked down and tied back dark hair.
She looks up and viewer’s suspicions are confirmed - this is the same woman from the council offices. She speaks direct to camera, her black lipstick making her teeth look whiter than white. Now almost snarling her words, trying to sound very posh and authoritative, but not quite hiding that Sunderland accent. “I’m also Mistress B. Your most hedonistic fantasy – or your worst nightmare!”
From now on we cut back and forth between the prim and proper Bianca at her desk in the council offices, and the scary and aggressive Mistress B in her dungeon ... We don’t hear any questions from behind camera, we just hear her answers.
In the basement, “I was quite young, about 15 or 16, and I was seeing an older man ... And he asked me to stick my finger up his bum when I was giving him a blow-job ... So I did ... Then two fingers ... And before he could stop me I had my whole hand up there ... He loved it ... He said it hurt, but he didn’t make me stop ... And that was me started...”
In the office, “I’ve never been married ... I think I’ve scared all my boyfriends away ... Anyway - who’d want to limit themselves to just one man?”
In the basement, “I earn more money from this, than I do from my job at the council, but ... Well, that place is a great way to meet new clients ... I ‘see’ half the council.”
In the office, we see Bianca exchange nods with a passing gent in a suit. “I’ve no particular love for animals ... But I can’t find a man brave enough to use me – I always get the upper hand ... I think they see me being small and think they might hurt me ... I want a lover who will treat me like I treat men ... A thing of amusement...”
In the basement, “My perfect fantasy, would be to be tied up so I could do nothing to stop the dog ... Then just fucked brutally ... Maybe by two or three dogs ... Not stopping no matter what I say...”
In the office, looking around as she says it, “It turns me on to think of all these people watching me do this on television. Only my clients know what I do in my ‘spare’ time ... Everyone else here thinks I’m little miss dainty. I’m looking forward to hearing what they say when they see me in action.”
In the basement, “I’m used to pushing people’s boundaries and making them suffer ... But today it’s my boundaries that will be pushed – hopefully I’ll suffer more than I’ve ever suffered before...” She smirks a little.
In the office, direct to camera, a statement rather than an answer – words that really don’t belong in this mouth. “I’m a filthy fifty-something, and I’m out to show the world what a Mackem whore can do ... I think the UK of Zoo needs a shake up – to see just how perverted and dirty a dogslut can really get!”
Back to the ‘dungeon’, and Bianca is her leather bodice, removing her panties but leaving her boots and bodice on. She steps toward a special padded bondage bench and smiles as she kneels down infront of it, her knees on the special knee-rests, and bends forward so that her belly and chest are resting on the bench itself – her head through an open neck brace, hands down underneath the bench.
She asks for someone to help her ... Our sound-man, Richard, is nominated and reluctantly steps forward (his face blurred out) and lets her talk him through the process of buckling leather straps from the knee rests around her lower legs, another set from the hand-rests around her wrists, and then closing the metal ring around her neck, making sure her hair doesn’t get caught in the hinge or the lock, then attaching a padlock – all of which means she can’t move more than a couple of inches. She gives it one final rattle before looking up, as best she can, to our camera and giving us a very dirty smile, before confirming, “That’s it ... All good ... I’m stuck ... Now ... Whatever I do ... Don’t stop...” She gives us that smile again ... And then we cut to the door of the room...
The door opens and a huge St Bernard enters, looking around – his ears and head rising when he sees that there is a woman already in position and waiting for him ... He’s already off his leash and free to move as he pleases, so he heads straight to her – his big head behind her arse, nose snout between her thighs, his big tongue slopped up the gap to her pussy.
As soon as his cold nose is jammed up against the crack of her arse-cheeks, and his wide tongue begins to slop up between her thighs, our prone guest jerks forward – surprised by the quick start, but not making any attempt to escape. “Ahhhh ... Mmmmm ... Nice... !”
He licks at her pussy for a few seconds before stepping back and looking around at our cameras and crew. Not sure if he can mount her or not...
“Come on, boy ... Fuck me...” She says, doing her best to look over her shoulder but stopped by the padlocked brace around her neck. She turns to look right into the camera that’s aimed at her face from the front, and snarls, “I’m ready to be DOG-fucked...”
Knowing how keen she is to get started, we leave the beast to make his own mind up – letting our guest suffer the frustration of not being in control.
He walks around her side, sniffing at her, and around infront of her, letting her see him properly for the first time. His size ... She’s not at all daunted – although we can tell she’d like to reach out to him as she smiles and makes kissing noises, pouting her lips...
He turns toward her and doesn’t disappoint – his wide tongue slopping experimentally at her face, catching her lips and nose a couple of times before as she opens her mouth and sticks her tongue out to meet his licking kisses with her own.
Not usually a kisser, most girls being afraid to get too close to his mouth, Goliath seems to enjoy this ... Licking more intensely, his big tongue slopping over hers, into her mouth, over and over. She tries to catch it between her lips, tasting it, sucking it, getting seriously into it. Looking genuinely frustrated when he backs away and she can do nothing to hold or chase him.
Catching her breath, and with a shiny mouth and chin, she smiles and encourages him to, “Fuck me ... Come on boy ... Come on and fuck me ... Fuck me like a whore!” She watches him as he walks around her again, following him until she can’t twist her neck any further due to the brace. Calling after him, “I’m your fucktoy ... Come on...”
The huge beast still isn’t sure what to do without orders from his handler, so he simply moves around behind her and sits on the floor looking up at us as Bianca/Mistress B continues to call to him, “Fuck me ... Come on ... Fuck my cunt ... Fuck my tight cunt...”
We pan up to a clock on the wall that shows 11:35am ... Then pull back to catch a full side image – the dominatrix tied to her bondage bench, the monster dog sitting patiently behind her ... Her still calling to him to “Fuck me ... Come on, boy ... Come on ... Fuck my dirty pussy...” And then we fade out...
Then fade back in on a close-up of her pussy ... Positively dripping. Glistening but still untouched.
We go back to the side angle and note the clock now reads 11:45am ... We’ve made the poor bitch wait ten minutes. Goliath is still patiently waiting, although he is now panting, drooling from his jowls, and we can see a couple of inches of shiny pink cock sticking out of his sheath. He’s more ready than he’s ever been in his life ... Bianca is still calling to him, her frustration evident in her voice, “Come oo-ooonn ... Coommeee ooonnnnnn ... Fuccck meee!” Looking round at us, “Make him fuuuccckkkk meee! Pllleeeeaaaaassseeee!”
The dog is finally given his signal – out of Bianca’s line of sight – and rises up to his feet again. Moving up behind her ... She’s just beginning to beg again, “PPlllleeeaaaassseee make...”, when he lurches forward, raising his front legs and ramming his chest against her rear end, pushing his huge bulk up and over her arse, sliding onto her leather clad body ... Knocking the wind, and the words, right out of her ... She almost disappears under him.
His front legs around either side of her, wrapped part way under her, almost around the underside of the bench, pinning her down against it. His weight on her back, her chest on the bench, nowhere to go...
We get a great shot of her face – the expression lost somewhere between the exhilaration of having a giant dog mounting her, and the sudden shock of being unable to breath...
His big back end begins to pump toward her rear end, his hard cock growing even before it’s in her flesh - stabbing at her, waving just under her pussy, rubbing up against her thigh just above the top of her long boots.
More prodding explorations, slow and deliberate, as he tries carefully to find her dripping hole by sense of touch rather than by just banging it around ... The tip eventually finding the fleshy lips, pushing up against them as he tenses his big thighs, then pulls away again before trying another time – on target ... Pushing it against her pussy until the lips are pushed apart by his weight and the tip of the cock slides in, another thrust and this time he’s inches deep ... And she finds her voice again, managing to gasp a lungfull of air so that she can cry out, “Yeeeaassss!” Another gasp, and, “OOOohhh ffucckkinnngg yyeess!!”
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Series 4, Episode 18: RACHAEL We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... A large sewage treatment plant. A mini montage of big circular pools of household waste, being chewed up and cleaned by large rotating mechanical arms ... It looks like it smells terrible. The occasional member of staff, checking equipment, wearing full overalls...
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We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us like a perverted version of Supergirl ... She smiles at us, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea level over the Severn Estuary, between Wales (with a cartoonish huge flag waving on the coast, and the south-west coast of England, with...
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Footage through a car window, looking out at a twilight sky and a virtually empty motorway ahead ... There’s a car in the distance ahead of us, an occasional car or truck coming the other way, passing us at speed, nothing like you’d expect from a busy rush hour motorway. Then we’re looking down at the driver from a high angle, corner mounted GoPro. The driver, as you’d expect, is the cleavage heavy, filthy looking pornstar-esque Charley Ozvik, the face of the British bestiality business, and...
“The United Kingdom of Zoo” Series 5, Episode 3: Rebecca We open with a shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us like a twisted version of the old “Bewitched’ tv titles ... She smiles at us, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit to sea level over the English Channel, off the south coast, in...
Series 5, Episode 7: Asha Goyal We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our host, Charley, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth...
With series 12 completed, we roll straight through into series 13 - the same hosts, doing the same things all over again ... Aren’t we getting bored of this yet? Well, it appears not ... So... We start this week’s show with establishing shots of quiet suburban streets – semi-detached homes, very middle class and safe... And then, stepping into frame from the side, moving from behind the camera to infront - this week’s host ... Still the nation’s least likely sex symbol – short, fat,...
Series 6, Episode 11 – Janine Saunders (18), from Birmingham We fade in on a nice townhouse in a nice neighbourhood – then we cut to inside the house and see our hostess – Charley – sitting at her desk, a large computer editing suite laid out infront of her (big computer, multiple screens, etc.) She appears to be editing an episode of ‘The United Kingdom of Zoo’ as we watch, although there’s nothing sexual on screen at the moment, just a young couple walking a large Alsatian. Charley turns...
As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
We open with our beautiful animated shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Then our cartoon, top heavy tattooed version of Charley appears, floating in the sky with us, winking and smiling - then waving for us to follow her as she turns and falls toward the country at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit toward the northern part of England, all the way down to a large old city of Sheffield right in the middle, in just a few seconds. Our animated Charley leads us all the...
Series 9, Episode 16: Sienna Triosi (24), from Ipswich We open with a shot of a very boring, street two-up two-down terraced houses. Small paved front yards provide off street parking for a couple of small cars each. And then, walking up the street toward us – the chunky figure of our favourite Cockney wideboy, Dennis, and beside him the sleek, narrow figure of his mean looking, hard-loving, but ultimately very well-behaved Doberman, Casanova. We track backwards as he walks – keeping him...
Series 3, Episode 10: Stacy On one side of the street a row of pre-War three-story buildings – shopfront downstairs, residential apartment/flats above. On the other side of the street, modern four/five level office buildings, and an old train station with a sign outside that reads, “Welcome to Enfield Chase”. We’re in North London to meet our next subject, and she’s a subject who’s worth meeting. Back to those shopfronts – one in particular – Hair By Hottinger. A modest hair and beauty...
Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...
Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...