The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
- 2 years ago
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We fade in on a young couple in a large and busy shopping mall. They walk along, her holding his arm, almost hanging off it. Clearly a very close pair.
She is slim, and pale (almost as white as a ghost) and very, very blonde – her hair straight, swept across her face, and hanging down over her shoulders. The face itself is pleasant without being sexy. Certainly not unattractive, but her jaw and nose are perhaps a little ‘strong’. She wears a black leather jacket, zipped right up, and blue jeans.
He is tall, a good foot taller than her, perhaps a little geeky, with his thick rimmed spectacles and close-cropped hair.
They pause briefly to look in the window of a Victoria’s Secret shop. Him pointing something out and her laughing.
Then we cut to a shot of them in a pub. Leather seats and bookcases. Warm and traditional looking. Our young sitting on the same side of a booth, both nursing an Amstel beer. Still happy and joking, the girl with the zip of her jacket down eight inches, showing off cleavage and an apparent lack of clothing under the leather. We’re sitting opposite them as they introduce themselves.
Her first, her accept thick Mancunian, bright and friendly, but a little harsh, “Hello – my name’s Nicola Colback, I’m 28 years old, and I’m from Manchester.”
Then her partner, a similar accent, with a little less confident, “And I’m Sean Colback, I’m 29 years old, and yeah ... Manchester ... Same.” He smiles.
She takes over, playing with her zip as she chatters ... We cut between shots of her in close-up, the pair of them in a two-shot, and occasional close-ups of her cleavage as she slides the zipper down and moves around, allowing us to almost see what she’s got in there (it doesn’t look overly impressive, but it’s still a pair of tits)...
“I met Sean at school, and we dated for a while – but I didn’t think he was the one ... I had other boyfriends...”
“Girlfriends too...” Adds Sean.
“Yeah ... Boys and girls ... I don’t think of myself as bisexual or anything, I just wanted to try things out ... Have some fun ... And I did ... I used to sleep around quite a bit, enjoyed being young ... I lost count of how many I slept with ... But, a few years ago, I was at work...”
We get a quick intercut shot of her in a nurse’s uniform with her arm around Sean, a big frown on her face, and two black eyes on his. She continues, “ ... and this tall bugger comes in – Saturday night, he’s got in a fight with some lad who was beating up his girlfriend...”
“It was his girlfriend, not mine...” Sean clarifies.
Nicola continues, “And we got talking whilst I was sorting his face out ... And I thought it was really nice that he took a beating rather than let her take one ... So I asked him out for a drink, and we just – clicked – second time round ... We got married a year later...” She flashes the wedding ring. Then continues, “I still like to have my fun though ... Obviously, I’m married, so I’m not going to go out picking up men...” She looks at Sean and adds, “Or women...” Then smiles and continues, “But I have fantasies about it ... About Sean taking me out and finding men for me to shag ... Infront of him ... I have lots of dogging fantasies – car parks and strangers and all that ... So one day, I was coming off nightshift, and he had already gone to work, and I was feeling a bit frisky ... So I put the computer on to watch a bit of porn and have a little fun ... I typed ‘dog’ into google, thinking I’d find some nice dogging videos, and up pops ‘dog fucks tiny teenager’ ... Silly bugger forgot to clear his search history...”
Sean looks a little embarrassed, hanging his head in mock-shame as she continues, “But nothing offends me, so I decide to take a look ... And it was filthy! Then I go into his history and I see he’s watched about 2 hours worth of videos while I’ve been at work ... All of them dogs with girls ... Good stuff, like – high quality...”
Sean takes over. “We’d watched UK of Zoo together before, and I’d always wanted to say something about it to her – but I didn’t want to scare her off ... Like, I’m punching above my weight just keeping her around, and she’s so awesome, I didn’t want to upset her...”
Back to Nicola, “He comes home from work, and I make out that I’m upset, and he was devastated ... And I couldn’t let him feel that way ... I didn’t want him to think I was actually upset at him ... So I just asked him if he wanted me to do that ... And that was the week finished – I called in sick that night and we just watched videos together and fucked ... Then he called in sick the next day and we kept going ... One thing leads to another, and we put in an application for the show...”
A few minutes later, pre-interview concluded, we see them finishing off their drinks, exchanging smiles, and getting up, picking up wallets and phones, etc. They walk through the pub, our camera moving infront of them ... Down a corridor, leaving the bar behind them as they head to a private room. Nicola smirks as she slides the zipper on the front of her jacket all the way down and lets it open up, showing off her pale flesh – slim belly, widely spaced but reasonably sized boobs quite high on her chest.
We’re in the back room of the pub – closed off from the public, all of the furniture pushed back against one wall ... Right infront of us, the huge, friendly, awesome sight of Goliath – everyone’s favourite St Bernard. Standing in the middle of the room, looking up at his owner and slowly wagging his tail, his huge mouth open and long tongue hanging out.
The door to the room opens and Nicola is the first to enter, followed by Sean ... Both of them grin widely when they see Goliath waiting for them.
She looks from the dog to our camera and comments that, “He’s a big fucker, isn’t he?” Then half laughing as she looks back at Sean. “What have you got me into... ?”
The dog is given permission to approach her and she crouches down to greet him – reaching out with both hands and catching him when he’s close enough. One hand on the top of his big head, stroking and ruffling, the other down the side of his neck to his collar, then holding him in place. She holds him here for a second, then looks around to Sean again, “Are you sure you want me to do this?”
He nods, he’s sure.
“He’s a big lad ... What if I decide I want him instead of you?” She jokes.
Her husband smiles back. “It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve lost you ... And at least I’d get to see you shagging him first ... And I don’t mind losing out to a dog because that’s not the same as me, is it?” He thinks. “I mean, I can’t compete with something that different, can I?”
Nicola continues looking at him whilst she strokes the dog’s head, then tells him, “You’re weird, Sean!” and laughs. “That’s alright ... I like weird...” She turns back to Goliath. “And I like dogs too, don’t I? And so does Sean ... Weirdo Sean ... Eh?”
Sean looks a little sheepish off to the side of the room, whilst the St Bernard has no idea at all what she’s saying but wags his tail all the same. Happy to be talked to by another bitch. The happy and relaxed ones are always a better ride and he knows it. She smiles right in his face, continuing her dialogue, “Weirdo Sean wants to watch you fuck me ... Is that okay?”
Goliath seems to recognise the question, and he lets out a deep bark in reply ... Which makes Nicola both jump and laugh.
She leans forward toward him and offers her pursed lips – and he reacts by giving her a quick swipe of the tongue over them. A single kiss and then she backs away with a big smile. She looks over at Sean and makes a point of licking her lips – still wet from the dog’s tongue.
We cut away to a shot of her standing with Sean, almost face to face, whispering to each other – we can just make out what she’s saying, “Dirty fucking slut, yeah ... You love it ... Me being a dogwhore ... You can’t wait...” etc., as she lets the jacket slip backward down her arms, her tits pushed up against his sweater. Him looking down at her the whole time, reacting to her dialogue with “Yeah” and “Slut” ... An intimate moment that show’s they are on the same page.
Then she’s unbuttoning her jeans and pulling them down, taking her panties with them, in no mood to stretch this strip out. No tease – just nudity. She’s very white – her flesh natural, not hard, not fat. Her nipples light pink, her pussy shaved clean.
And then she’s back with Goliath, crouching down next to him – her naked body beside his huge hairy mass ... We couldn’t put two more different figures together...
“What’s under here then... ?” She says as she reaches a hand under the dog’s belly and begins to rub at him, her fingers seeking out his sheath ... A cute smile on her face – she finds what she’s doing genuinely amusing.
And what she’s doing is fondling a heavy sheath – filled with a semi-erect canine cock ... Each time she pushes the hairy pouch backwards she reveals the tip ... And then a little more – some of the shaft ... That shaft beginning to look thicker as she continues.
She looks over the dog’s back, back to her husband as she works that shaft... “I ‘ope you can see this?” She smirks. “I’m gunna need you to tell me when ‘e’s ready, ‘cos I can’t see nuffink.” She smiles as she continues to fondle. “It feels fuckin’ big though!”
We cut to a close-up of the dog’s cock in her hand, growing to a pretty respectable, almost usable girth. She continues to jerk his cock – pulling his sheath back from the shaft, exposing more and more of it. Goliath beginning to jerk almost involuntarily as she handles his meat. Instinctively trying to fuck her hand.
Nicola looks over him toward Sean again ... And now Sean smiles back at her, “I fink ‘e’s ready babe...” He confirms.
She lets go of the dog’s cock and begins to tip forward onto her hands and knees ... The second he’s free of her hand he’s moving around behind her trying to get at her pussy.
She’s a smart chicky this one – checking where the cameras are positioned before she assumes the position – making sure she’s side on to give the camera the best possible view of her slim body ... Down on all fours - knees apart, arse up, back arched downwards, her fist sized tits hanging down.
Goliath sniffs around behind her, sticking his nose between her thighs ... She arches her back a little more, pushing her pussy out between her thighs, presenting it to the dog ... He licks – probing licks, just to get a taste ... And she begins to smile ... But before she can start to really enjoy things, he stops licking and makes his move ... His head over her arse, his chest against her behind, pushing forward...
She turns her head toward Sean again... “I ‘ope your ready for this...”
“I hope you are...” He replies with a smile.
Just as the dog pushes forward, grabbing around her with his paws – landing them on the front of her pale thighs ... Thrusting at her immediately – no time to waste when you have a willing blonde under you.
Nicola strains to take his weight, but still manages a smirk toward the camera as the giant beast rocks her around – pumping at her, doing his best to get inside her ... Failing...
With a wicked smile right into camera, she lifts one hand and reaches down between her thighs to guide his slippery hard cock up between her pussy lips ... Never quite taking a hold on it – just letting it slip and slide over her fingers and re-directing it into her body.
As soon as the tip is inside, Goliath lurches forward, his weight on her back almost pushing her over – she gasps, “Fuck!” – but then throws her head back, and gasps as the full length of his shaft stabs deep into her wet sex. When she tosses her head back, she makes sure her long hair flips away from her face, so that the camera can see her clearly.
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We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...
Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...