The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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Series 9, Episode 10: Louise Jenas (35), from Livingstone
We open with an establishing shot of a featureless, single story white building. An almost empty car park infront of it, and then an empty playing field, the ‘H’ configuration of goal posts at the far end confirming it’s a rugby pitch.
We track along the front of the building until we come to a pair of double doors, a simple panel screwed to the door confirms that this is ‘LIVINGSTONE RUGBY CLUB’. The door opens and a familiar figure steps out. It’s our Polish porn princess – her long blonde hair messed up, looking like she’s just finished fucking (as usual). A white t-shirt that doesn’t quite reach down to her ripped blue-jeans, firm round boobs, nipples already standing to attention...
She introduces the show in her familiar sexy eastern European tinged accent. “Hello, and welcome to ‘The United Kingdom of Zoo’, with me, your host, Petra Johnson ... This week, we are up in Scotland, and we are here to help a lovely lady have revenge on her very stupid husband!”
We cut to inside the rugby club. It’s deserted, except for our subject (and our camera crew, of course). She is an attractive woman with an oversized mouth – which is particularly obvious when she smiles. Her hair long and dark, swept to one side. She’s wearing a loose top, and long trousers, that don’t show off much, but we can tell from her face that she’s slim. She has a strong Scottish accent, and delivers her introduction with a vaguely frustrated tone – like she’s not really sure she should do this even though she wants to.
“My name is Louise Jenas, I’m 35, married, but about to be separated ... I’m from Livingstone in Scotland ... And ... today ... I’m going to have sex with a horse!” She stands for a moment, looking a little awkward, then we cut to –
A wider shot of Louise sitting at a small bar table, with Petra sitting opposite sipping from a tall glass. She’s in full flow telling her story as we join them...
“My husband, Davy, thinks he’s the funniest man in the world ... Always having a laugh, making jokes, being stupid ... He’s always making jokes and I’m usually the butt of ‘em ... The only time he doesn’t joke, is during sex ... And the sex is good, because, to be honest, he’s hung like a horse ... His mates are all the same as him, everything’s a joke ... And they all know he’s got a big cock, because they all shower together after rugby ... So, for his stag night they bought him one of those horse-head masks, and he’s running around the club wearing that mask – and nothing else – his big cock flapping around, and everyone is laughing ... He thinks he’s God’s gift to women, and to comedy! That night, we go home, and we’re going to fuck and he puts the head on ... And I’m givin’ him a blow-job, and he’s going on and on about his huge horse cock – and do I love it – do I want it? And then he was fucking me, and he’s still got the mask on, and he’s filming it on his phone ... And he keeps asking me to say what I’m doing – and I’m saying “I’m fucking a horse” and “I love your big horsey cock” ... And he’s asking me over and over, ‘do you like a horsey cock?” and “do you want to fuck a real horsey?” and I’m into it, so I’m saying yes – for him...” She pauses, then leans into the camera for emphasis – annoyed rather than angry or upset... “And then he goes and shows the video to all his friends, and they share it to all their friends ... It goes around pretty fast and this isn’t a big town, and everyone’s laughing at me ... All callin’ me horse-fucker ... So now, I’m thinking, ‘fuck ‘em’ – if they want to call me a horse-fucker ... If they want to tease me about it ... I’ll give them something to really talk about ... I want to fuck a real horse – by choice, and have it filmed on proper cameras, with proper sound and lights, and in focus, and shown on the tele to everyone ... And now that dozy bugger can be the one everyone laughs at, because I’ve fucked a horse and even he can’t follow that... !”
Her logic isn’t watertight – but we don’t say anything ... She seems keen enough to do it, whatever her reasons, and we want to see it...
She leans forward toward our camera, bringing her hands up infront of the lens and clapping, allowing us to cut to:
Louise, now stark naked except for stockings and a suspender belt – walking toward us through the club. She’s slim enough but her body could be a little tighter, boobs quite firm and high on her chest with about a one inch gap between them, a dark but closely cropped tuft of dark pussy hair, tanned skin (the result of plenty of sunbathing in the limited Scottish summer), long dark hair flowing over her shoulders – her lifting a hand to sweep it to the side of her face as she walks.
Petra waits at the door, opening it to let sunlight spill into the club, and to allow Louise to step out into the carpark outside ... She follows her, standing well back so as not to get in our guest’s shot and take any attention away from her.
We cut outside to the carpark in time to catch Louise as she takes a deep breath and blows it out – stunned by what she can see...
We spin around to see what she is reacting to – and see Champion, our Wonder Horse, standing at the end of the rugby pitch, his reins tied off to a goalpost.
Louise walks past us, and we follow her pert behind as she walks calmly and quietly, barefoot over the grass, all the way to the horse. Breathing harder, shoulders shaking a little. She bends forward a little as she walks, as if this will give her a better view of the beast.
We follow as she walks toward the horse, bare feet in the short grass, looking smaller with each step closer to the magnificent animal. Her hand on her chest, trying to control her breathing... “Oh, he’s just so beautiful...” She gasps. “He’s amazing...”
Putting her hand up against his side, stroking his powerful flank and belly. Breathing hard, sniffing. “I’m ... I’m almost in tears here ... This is something...” She gathers herself for a moment, then continues, “I never thought I’d be here ... I never thought I’d get to do this...”
She moves closer, clearly nervous but also extremely excited, and presses her boobs up against his body – her soft pale flesh against his dark rough hair. Rubbing them to the side, along the nap of his hair, and sighing, then moving back, against the nap, feeling the hairs dragging against her skin, tickling her nipples. Stepping back, trying figure out how to improve the contact ... Taking a boob in each hand, cupping them, squeezing them so she can ‘aim’ the nipples, then leaning back toward the horse, rubbing her ever stiffening nipples against his hair, and moaning, “OOooooh, that’s so ... Fucking ... OOoohhhhh... !”
She steps away again, backing off a few steps and looking at the huge beast with new eyes. Never taking her eyes off him to look back at the camera as she adds commentary on her mindset. “I came here for the cock ... But the whole thing is just over-powering ... I can’t believe how big ... How powerful ... I’ve never...” Letting go of one of her tits she reaches out and pats the horse three times, really hard, on the side – the horse barely feeling her slaps. She’s nothing to him. “ ... He’s ... Yuge!”
She marvels at the sheer scale of the beast for a few seconds, looking around to the camera with a hand to her mouth, building up the nerve to move back up against him ... And closer ... Then steps forward, bending down, placing one hand up on his ribs to steady herself as she leans under him, and begins rubbing his belly, her hand moving down toward his heavy, dark, sheath.
Almost as soon as she makes contact with the leathery pouch, things begin to move ... Growing ... Elongating ... The shaft of his cock seeming to slide out from within almost fully formed ... Fat ... Heavy ... Hard ... Six inches becomes twelve in the blink of an eye, almost before she’s managed to move her hand off the sheath and onto the shaft itself...
“Ohhhh JEEEZUSSS!” Exclaims Louise again ... We get the sense that she is seriously out of her depth here. We also get the sense that she loves being so far out of her depth! This means something to her – it’s not just about a perverted sex act, it’s about a message to her husband, and a step forward in her life...
She takes a firm hold of the shaft and strokes it up and down – wrapping her fingers around it ... It’s so big that her finger tips barely meet her thumb as she grips it, but the shaft is still bending, and the tip wobbling as she jerks, so we can tell that there’s still has plenty room to expand – it’s far from rock hard...
She turns her face way from him and looks up at our camera, the corners of her mouth turning up in an excited smile. “I take back what I said about my husband being hung like a horse ... He’s a big lad, but this is fucking yuge!” She jokes.
Turning back, and taking hold of the shaft with both hands, she raises the big dick toward her mouth ... Licks her lips, and – on the edge of a laugh – moves in closer, opening wide ... Inching closer ... Almost laughing again, and then almost lurching forward to try and stuff the cock into her mouth. She ends up with her lips wrapped around the bottom half of the end of his cock, her top lip rubbing over his urethra ... Her tongue under the flared tip.
Moving her head up and down, trying to hook the top of her wide mouth around the top of the head of his cock – straining her jaw to open it just one more centimetre. The movement of her mouth, her lips and tongue against his flesh, appears to be pleasing to him because that tell-tale twitch is already visible on his shiny flank.
She moves her fingertips up to the head of the cock and starts to actually push at the flared flesh, tucking it inside her lips, into her mouth ... She’s half smiling, half choking ... Frustrated, but working her magic...
In a wider shot we see the woman bent forward under the horse, his huge cock pulled out toward her face ... She’s all-but-wiggling her arse as she does it.
Back to the close-up, just in time to see her getting the tip into her mouth – her lips sliding over the flare, distorting her face in the most pornographic way possible ... And then she’s doing her best to suck on it, but in reality she’s just holding the head with her mouth whilst she jerks the shaft toward her face.
She works that huge chunk of meat with both hands, alternating between gripping the soft outer flesh of the stiff pole, pulling it toward and away from her, and then just stroking over the surface – right along its length until her arm is fully extended – and still only just touching the base.
This is accompanied by a gulping, half choking sound, as she sucks on the tip to keep it inside her mouth – occasionally forcing herself to stop sucking whilst she swallows some bitter pre-cum, or slurps air in around it, or through her thin nose...
She’s aware that our camera is in close, turning her face slightly toward us so that she can look into the lens whilst she sucks the horse ... Eyes wide, staring right through to the viewers at home ... There’s a fire in her eyes as bright as the smile she had on her mouth earlier ... She’s loving this – loving the idea that her husband will be watching this, all of his and the thought of all his friends laughing at him for being married to the ‘horse-fucker’...
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Footage through a car window, looking out at a twilight sky and a virtually empty motorway ahead ... There’s a car in the distance ahead of us, an occasional car or truck coming the other way, passing us at speed, nothing like you’d expect from a busy rush hour motorway. Then we’re looking down at the driver from a high angle, corner mounted GoPro. The driver, as you’d expect, is the cleavage heavy, filthy looking pornstar-esque Charley Ozvik, the face of the British bestiality business, and...
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With series 12 completed, we roll straight through into series 13 - the same hosts, doing the same things all over again ... Aren’t we getting bored of this yet? Well, it appears not ... So... We start this week’s show with establishing shots of quiet suburban streets – semi-detached homes, very middle class and safe... And then, stepping into frame from the side, moving from behind the camera to infront - this week’s host ... Still the nation’s least likely sex symbol – short, fat,...
Series 6, Episode 11 – Janine Saunders (18), from Birmingham We fade in on a nice townhouse in a nice neighbourhood – then we cut to inside the house and see our hostess – Charley – sitting at her desk, a large computer editing suite laid out infront of her (big computer, multiple screens, etc.) She appears to be editing an episode of ‘The United Kingdom of Zoo’ as we watch, although there’s nothing sexual on screen at the moment, just a young couple walking a large Alsatian. Charley turns...
As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
We open with our beautiful animated shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Then our cartoon, top heavy tattooed version of Charley appears, floating in the sky with us, winking and smiling - then waving for us to follow her as she turns and falls toward the country at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit toward the northern part of England, all the way down to a large old city of Sheffield right in the middle, in just a few seconds. Our animated Charley leads us all the...
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Series 3, Episode 10: Stacy On one side of the street a row of pre-War three-story buildings – shopfront downstairs, residential apartment/flats above. On the other side of the street, modern four/five level office buildings, and an old train station with a sign outside that reads, “Welcome to Enfield Chase”. We’re in North London to meet our next subject, and she’s a subject who’s worth meeting. Back to those shopfronts – one in particular – Hair By Hottinger. A modest hair and beauty...
Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...
Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...