The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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We start this week’s show with establishing shots of an old-fashioned market square – cobble stones surrounded by bollards to protect the pedestrian shoppers, then a road around the outside, and beyond that old, whitewashed buildings – shops and pubs, styled to look like Tudor and Elizabethan buildings.
Walking toward us, through the crowds, is the familiar round-bellied figure of our jeans and West Ham shirt wearing host – hairy everywhere but the top of his head, it’s everyone’s favourite Cockney, Dennis Baxter. Beside him - a large, mean looking, sleek Doberman Pincher, enthusiastically pulling on his chain.
Dennis introduces himself in his gravelly East End of London accent – “‘ello, and welcome to another episode of ‘The United Kingdom of Zoo’ ... I’m your host, Dennis Baxter, and this...” We pan down to look at his dog again, “ ... is Casanova ... And this week we’re in Atherstone, in the west midlands, and we’re here to meet a sexy lady who’s looking to put the magic back in her marriage...”
We cut to a different view of the street, looking toward a grocery shop – watching the sliding doors open as a customer walks out ... Tall and shapely, darkly tanned skin, and lots of thick black hair. She’s dressed for a trip to the shops rather than an appearance on national television, in mum jeans and a baggy sweater.
She keeps her head down at first, walking in our direction rather than toward us – as if she doesn’t know she’s being filmed, but as she gets closer we note that she’s smiling as she looks up – the façade falling away completely as she covers the last few meters and comes to a halt on her mark.
She looks into our camera and introduces herself in a friendly black country accent, “Hello. I’m Martha Randon, and I’m a 36-year-old, mother of two from Atherstone ... And, I’m here today, because I REALLY want to have sex with a dog!”
Shoppers continues to drift by, walking up and down the street, occasionally looking toward our camera, but not waiting around to hear the interview. Either they don’t connect the big, fat bloke with the West Ham shirt and the Doberman to our show, or they do and they don’t want to have anything to do with us! We’re that kind of show. Barely known, and somewhat feared by even our fans. Who’d want to admit to knowing who our hosts are?
She’s standing side-by-side with our host, looking from him to our camera, not sure who she should be addressing, looking semi-embarrassed but mildly excited. She’s not exactly a stunner – her features are very mumsy – pleasant without being overly sexy, with a pair of small lensed spectacles reflecting lights away from her brown eyes, all surrounded by that mass of jet black wavy hair.
She’s a solid 6. A decade ago she may have rated an 8, but that was a few kilos and some wrinkles ago, so it’s hard to tell. Either way - she’s more than enough to attract Casanova!
“So, please tell us why you applied to be on our show?” Asks Dennis, moving the microphone over to his guest.
“Well, I’ve been married for twenty years, I’ve got two lovely kids ... Nice house, nice husband ... And we’ve always had a ... Ah ... Energetic sex life ... A good one. You know? But recently ... Like anyone – after this time, it’s started to get a little bit dull...”
“Don’t be shy ... Tell us about how you discovered your obscene interest in big doggies...” Teases Dennis.
“Well, like I say ... We’d been married for a long time before we, sort of, stumbled into this ... We were watching some porn together, you know, to spice things up a bit, and we’re watchin’ a video of this really pretty girl and she’s with these two guys ... And they’re both wearing masks, like leather dog masks, or plastic, I don’t know ... Anyway, they look like dogs, their faces, not their bodies. Normal bodies, quite nice actually, but dog faces...” She pauses, trying not to laugh. “And we’re watching them taking turns in her mouth, and having sex with her, and – I think – like, doubling up on her pussy and arse ... And I just blurted out, ‘If only they were real dogs’, I don’t know where it came from, because I’d never thought of that before ... We didn’t even watch your show ... It almost gave my hubby a heart attack! And then we went down this rabbit hole of google searching and pornsites ... Before you know it, we’re watching girls sucking on real doggy cocks – and I’m hooked ... I watched them with him ... I watched them without him ... I loved them.”
“And now you want to be in one of them?” Confirms Dennis.
“One...? Haha ... Yeah, just one, for now ... But who knows ... If it’s as much fun as it looks, once I’ve done one, I might do more ... Or I might forget the cameras and just focus on the dogs!”
We hover on her optimistic smile for a moment, then Dennis interrupts, “So, if you look down, which I notice you’ve been trying very hard not to do ... If you look down, you can start focussing on a big bad doggy right now!”
She looks down, blushing and smiling, hiding her face with one hand, as she takes a good look at Casanova, who’s beside Dennis looking up at her. She looks back up into camera, “Ooohh ... He’s lovely ... I can’t wait.”
“Well, I suppose we better go back to your place...”
Martha answers as if we haven’t already arranged all of this. “Yeah, that should be alright ... The kids are at school and hubby is at work, we’ve got plenty of time to have some fun!”
We cut to a shot of Martha walking away, with Dennis beside her, and that handsome Doberman trotting along between them.
Then cut to shot of a bedroom. Nicely appointed, neat and tidy. It’s a big room, so big that the king size bed still leaves plenty of floor space. The door opens and Martha leads Dennis and Casanova in.
She’s already peeling her baggy sweater off as she walks through the door, revealing a cotton mesh bodystocking that barely hides her figure or flesh at all, but at the same time holds everything in position. Showing off a chest as big as we had imagined, and a body that is solid rather than fat, before disappearing into her jeans...
Dennis enters the room behind her and his eyes widen, “Bloody hell, girl ... You’re a bit keen, arncha!?”
Now on home territory, away from the shoppers, Martha appears to be growing in confidence. “Well, I didn’t apply to be on the show because I’m shy, did I?” She asks with a knowing wink.
“OOhh, Cas, I think you’re going to have fun with this one...” Notes our host.
Casanova doesn’t understand – he has fun with all of the bitches Dennis introduces him to!
The jeans come off next, no fuss, no build-up ... The body stocking continuing down to ‘cover’ her neatly trimmed, but very dark, pussy and disappear up the crack of her big, firm arse.
Our guest asks, “Can I just get straight into it?” - and doesn’t even wait for an answer before she drops down to her knees and reaches out to welcome the dog with a hand on the top of his head, rubbing her fingers through his hair, moving the flesh on the top of his skull around, cooing a friendly, eager, “Hi there, handsome...”, looking up at us, licking her lips in an unmistakably excited moment. She clearly can’t wait to get started.
She looks up at us again and laughs, trying to gather herself, “OOoooohhh, he’s sooooo sexy!”
Dennis smirks, “You’re really looking forward to this, aren’t you?”
She keeps stroking and rubbing the sleek beast’s narrow head, looking right into his big brown eyes as she confirms, “Oh yeah ... I can’t wait to feel him on me...” She smiles at him. “In me!!”
We take another moment to look at this lovely lady – her soft, round boobs barely hidden behind that mesh lingerie – the nipples rock hard almost pushing through, her slim belly shaking a little as she tries to control her breathing, long legs, smooth – freshly shaved or waxed before we arrived for filming. Looking her best – for the dog, rather than for us...
After a short pause, she shuffles toward the edge of the bed, then leans back and opens her legs – spreading them wide to present her pussy (barely hidden behind the gusset of this mesh lingerie) to the beast. Looking down at him the whole time as she runs her hands up her inner thighs, to take hold of, and pull the gusset to the side and then open up her lips to him.
Casanova looks back toward Dennis, off camera, waiting for his instructions. Our host clicks his tongue, and the big dog immediately steps in toward his special meal ... Burying his long snout between her smooth thighs, and slopping his long tongue over her freshly exposed pussy.
Martha gasps, “OOoooohhh ... Do you like that?” Allowing him to lick for a few more seconds, before adding, “ ... OOooooohhh ... I know I doooooo...”
She looks down at the dog as he continues to lick at her snatch, reaching down – slipping her fingers between his mouth and her labia so she can spread the lips wider...
Casanova continues to lick at her - his long, wet tongue slapping and slopping over her cunt, between her lips, deep into her pussy – over and over ... She uses her free hand to grab one of her boobs, her fingers pushing through the mesh of her lingerie and gripping her flesh, which she squeezes hard ... Moaning and half laughing as she soaks up the pleasure of his oral skills...
Casanova clearly likes the taste of her hole because he’s not stopping – turning his head side from side-to-side, licking over and over...
Martha gasps, thrashing her head from side to side, arching her back, pushing her belly forward, twisting to the side but making sure she keeps her legs apart so the big beast can keep licking at her...
She tenses her whole body up, holding her breath, biting her top lip hard enough that we worry she might actually bite it off ... And then ... After an excruciating few second of tension – with the Doberman showing no signs of stopping, she suddenly bucks up even harder, then flops back to the bed, gasping and letting out a loud, “FFFUUCCCCKKK!!”, then heaving in a lung-full of air...
As she gasps, and tries to catch her breath, Martha continues bucking and twisting – moving her hips around - while the dog continues to try and lick between those smooth thighs...
She rides the wave of pleasure for a few more moments, then leans forward and grabs Casanova’s collar – pushing him away, and pulling her pelvis back onto the bed out of reach.
The dog breaks free of her grip and excitedly bounds forward, leaping up onto the bed beside her, stepping over her legs and leaning up against her. The side of his body up against her face due to his height – leaning back she wriggles and turns her head sideways, and ends up with her neck bent, and her face under his belly – giggling like a teenager at the sudden, unexpected change of positions – and the fact that her face is now just inches from the dog’s sheath and the tip of his pink cock (which is poking out, glistening, and looking extremely inviting).
Reaching around his powerful body, one hand from behind him – the other under his belly – she begins the rub at his belly, taking hold of his sheath and pumping the shaft in a curious, friendly kind of way. Quickly pulling the sheath back to expose more of the beast’s meat – pink and wet ... Her smile growing and her eyes widening as she watches the cock grow, licking her lips in anticipation.
She comments, with a touch of incredulity, “Oh, it’s so dirty being this close to it ... I can’t believe I’m finally here...” She pumps a little more, then adds, direct to camera, “I’m holding – a dog’s – cock!” – as if we didn’t already know. Watching for another few seconds, then making her decision – “And now ... I’m going to suck it!” A smile flickers on the corners of her mouth...
She shuffles her behind around, twisting over so she can get her head right under his belly, moving her mouth toward that growing cock – opening her lips...
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from Tottenham, London. We fade in on our hostess, Charley. She’s skirting that territory between sexy and strange. With her heavily botoxed face, obviously fake bolt-on boobs, and all those tattoos on her chest, her legs, her arms ... All wrapped up in too-small clothes, showing off as much flesh as possible – mini-skirt, sleeveless low-cut top. She’s strange, but she’s ours... We’re on a wide grey street, black fences on either side, nothing beyond them on one side, a blue storage...
Series 4, Episode 19: Belinda We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... We’re in an unimpressive residential area. Lots of orange/brown two story terraced houses that probably looked very modern and sharp in the early 80s, but now just look boring. An occasional resident walks along the street alone, a couple of cars pass by –...
We fade in on high street – plenty of people around, obviously not during the Coronavirus lockdown. The camera swings around to face a bank, then moves in through the doors – past a member of staff on the front desk who waves at whoever is holding the camera (clearly knowing them) ... The camera moves past a line of customers and up to one of the cash windows ... The clerk behind the window looks up... She’s middle-aged, with a tired, almost ‘loose’ looking face – one of those big mouths...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re looking at a sandy beach on a perfect summer’s day – small waves rolling...
Series 4, Episode 7: SIOBHAN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Now we’re in the middle of a busy food-court - restaurants...
We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us like a perverted version of Supergirl ... She smiles at us, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea level over the Severn Estuary, between Wales (with a cartoonish huge flag waving on the coast, and the south-west coast of England, with...
Series 5, Episode 10: Alison Latham (47) – Wolverhampton We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole country in one shot. Then our very cartoonish, top heavy and slutty caricature of Charley appears infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” Then she waves for us to follow her, turns and skydives toward the country below at...
Footage through a car window, looking out at a twilight sky and a virtually empty motorway ahead ... There’s a car in the distance ahead of us, an occasional car or truck coming the other way, passing us at speed, nothing like you’d expect from a busy rush hour motorway. Then we’re looking down at the driver from a high angle, corner mounted GoPro. The driver, as you’d expect, is the cleavage heavy, filthy looking pornstar-esque Charley Ozvik, the face of the British bestiality business, and...
“The United Kingdom of Zoo” Series 5, Episode 3: Rebecca We open with a shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us like a twisted version of the old “Bewitched’ tv titles ... She smiles at us, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit to sea level over the English Channel, off the south coast, in...
Series 5, Episode 7: Asha Goyal We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our host, Charley, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of boring terraced streets ... Blank two-up, two-downs ... Cruising along a road, looking sideways at a series of side-streets, each less interesting than the last, with bollards at either end to make them pedestrian only... A big caption appears, filling almost the whole screen, “STOCKTON-ON-TEES, ENGLAND.” The caption fades as we come to a halt infront of the first street with any sign of activity ... And the activity is... Our...
As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
We open with a mini montage to show our location ... A wide, dark, river running through a city, a ferry crossing from one side, a large old building with the statue of a bird on the roof, hundreds of football fans celebrating in the steets ... Yes, no prizes for guessing we’re in Liverpool this week. The sequence ends on the historic Albert Dock- usually a tourist hotspot, but today, almost deserted due to the wind and spitting rain. We watch as our long-time host walks her golden retriever...
Series 3, Episode 10: Stacy On one side of the street a row of pre-War three-story buildings – shopfront downstairs, residential apartment/flats above. On the other side of the street, modern four/five level office buildings, and an old train station with a sign outside that reads, “Welcome to Enfield Chase”. We’re in North London to meet our next subject, and she’s a subject who’s worth meeting. Back to those shopfronts – one in particular – Hair By Hottinger. A modest hair and beauty...
Series 6, Episode 11 – Janine Saunders (18), from Birmingham We fade in on a nice townhouse in a nice neighbourhood – then we cut to inside the house and see our hostess – Charley – sitting at her desk, a large computer editing suite laid out infront of her (big computer, multiple screens, etc.) She appears to be editing an episode of ‘The United Kingdom of Zoo’ as we watch, although there’s nothing sexual on screen at the moment, just a young couple walking a large Alsatian. Charley turns...
We open with our beautiful animated shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Then our cartoon, top heavy tattooed version of Charley appears, floating in the sky with us, winking and smiling - then waving for us to follow her as she turns and falls toward the country at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit toward the northern part of England, all the way down to a large old city of Sheffield right in the middle, in just a few seconds. Our animated Charley leads us all the...
Series 9, Episode 16: Sienna Triosi (24), from Ipswich We open with a shot of a very boring, street two-up two-down terraced houses. Small paved front yards provide off street parking for a couple of small cars each. And then, walking up the street toward us – the chunky figure of our favourite Cockney wideboy, Dennis, and beside him the sleek, narrow figure of his mean looking, hard-loving, but ultimately very well-behaved Doberman, Casanova. We track backwards as he walks – keeping him...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...
We’re cruising along a wide and quiet suburban street. Green lawns stretch back from the pavement to the nice semi-detached homes. There’s a slim woman walking a large dog along the side of the road, and we pan around to look at her as we pass – it’s no-one we know, but we kind of wish we did! Then we’re looking forward again – seeing an intersection infront of us ... Then pulling up, looking out of the side window right at a single story, flat-roofed building. A sign outside reads,...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...