The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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Series 4, Episode 2: Cara
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a car park outside a shopping mall – cars everywhere, shoppers bringing their goods back to their cars ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures...
Then we’re on a quiet street with tall residential blocks on one side. The camera swings around and we’re outside a large three level blue walled building –a big sign over entrance reads “DIVISION POLICE HEADQUARTERS” - patrol cars and divvy vans are parked outside, uniformed officers walking in and out, as do a couple of their regular ‘customers’. A couple policemen (their faces masked for broadcast) look at our camera as if they want to question why we’re here. Once they have past us, we turn to watch as a familiar figure approaches along the pavement. It’s Charley, our hostess with the mostess ... She’s wearing a mini-dress that shows off her nicely toned legs, narrow hips and slim belly, and especially her bolt-on fake tits.
Her long black hair is tied back in a loose pony-tail and hanging about half way down to her arse. She walks toward camera with a deliberate stride (although she’s not as comfortable in high heels as she’d like to be).
She speaks directly to camera as she approaches, “Welcome to the United Kingdom of Zoo. I’m Charley Keifer, and I’m travelling the length and breadth of the country, looking for lucky ladies who want to make their dirtiest fantasy come true...”
The title, “THE UNITED KINGDOM OF ZOO” flashes up on screen over a graphic showing the UK, with little pins appearing, each pin representing a location we’ve either visited, or will be visiting in this series (our 4th). The most northerly pin is flashing, indicating that we’re in Scotland this week...
Back to Charley infront of the police station. “Today, we’re in Glasgow, in Scotland, ready to meet someone who’s prepared to give up her career in order to live out her dreams...”
We watch as a raven haired, young woman in full police uniform walks out of the station and down a ramp toward us. Our camera crew had to be promised bonus pay to stand their ground. We walk a legal tightrope. Filming a documentary about bestiality for the purposes of education is considered to be legal, but filming a human having sex with an animal is still technically an offense. Effectively, from the moment we film the sex, until the moment we’ve edited together the show, we could be considered to be breaking the law ... As our subject heads toward us, we’re half expecting to be arrested ... Then she smiles as she gets closer – and apart from it being a very pretty smile, it’s also very obvious that she’s here to be our friend, not our foe.
Long brunette hair is tied back behind her head keeping her face clear – and it’s a pretty face. She’s no model, but she’d turn a few heads. Her police uniform and stab-proof vest add bulk to her, but she still looks reasonably slim. We won’t know what her body is like until we shoot her big scene, but with all that gear off she may be quite slim.
She approaches with a quite relaxed stride, smiling, and says hello in a strong, but understandable Glaswegian accent. “My name is Cara Barrowclough ... I’m 33, and I’ve been a police officer for almost eight years. I’m single, I’ve got no children, and to tell the truth I just cannae go another week withoot living oot my fantasy...”
We cut to a shot of Cara standing with Charley outside the police station – they’ve moved a little further away, but they’re still close. Charley has a microphone in her hand to conduct the interview.
“So, Cara, would you like to tell us why we’ve come to meet you today...”
Cara looks sideways at Charley. “You think the viewers at home won’t have guessed yet?” She giggles, then she continues. “Aye, I’ve asked you to come here today because I’ve always wanted to get fucked by a dog ... And I think you’re the best people to help me do it!”
“What is it about bestiality that turns you on?”
“I first got turned on by it when it was still illegal. I always wanted to be a police woman, and I was always, you know, a ‘good’ girl ... But the idea of doing something illegal and filthy like that ... With no victims – except me, like ... That was always just a huge turn on...”
“How long ago was that”
Cara counts the years in her head. “I think when I was about 16 or 17 I read something on an advice page on the internet ... Someone saying they had thought about it, and were they sick or something ... It put the idea in my head ... The advice was that it was okay to fantasize about, but dangerous to go any further ... And it was illegal, so be very careful. Don’t even look at videos online because you’ll get in bother ... And I thought, I’ve got to watch those videos! I watched them every couple of days – and everytime I watched them I was expecting the police to burst in and arrest me ... Never happened though...”
“So what actually turns you on about having sex with a dog?”
Cara doesn’t pause, “Like I said, at first it was because it was illegal, and very dirty, and it was something I definitely shouldn’t be doing ... So I just used to finger myself and imagine a dog fucking me, and it was amazing ... Then when I started sleeping with guys, I used to like it doggy style, of course, and I’d think of dogs every time I wanted to cum ... It never failed.”
“Did you ever tell any of your boyfriends about your fantasy?”
Cara shakes her head as she talks, “Oh God no ... I wouldn’t have dared. That was far too naughty!”
“And how does it feel to finally be coming out of the ‘closet’ today?”
Cara is smiling broadly, “It feels very freeing ... Like a big weight off my shoulders. I can’t keep it a secret anymore. I know I’ll lose my job because of this – but so long as it’s part of your ‘documentary’ I can’t be arrested for it ... So I’m going to have my ‘experience’, and then I’ll get on with the rest of my life...”
“If today goes well, will this change your life?”
Cara nods again. “I’m sure it will. Like I said, I’ll be out of the police, so everything will change. You know, I won’t be having sex with any more dogs after this one, because that would be illegal if I did it off your show ... And I wouldn’t want to break the law! I might get in bother with my former employer!”
“Does it bother you that you’ll have to leave the police? This is your career after all.” Asks Charley, with just the right level of concern for her guest’s future.
“No ... I wasn’t going to stay on the job any longer anyway. I love the idea of being a police officer. Helping good people. Sorting out bad people. But that’s not what it’s like. People hate you just because you wear a uniform and try to help them. It’s not what I thought it would be.”
“What did you think it would be?” Charley asks.
“Well – it was never going to be what I hoped it would be ... My secret fantasy when I was dreaming of being a police-woman, was that I would be working undercover ... Trying to break up prostitution rings and underground porn films ... And having to have sex to prove I was the real thing ... And of course I used to fantasize about having to break a bestiality ring ... Having to go to those parties that they talked about in the papers sometimes ... Having to have sex with the dogs to prove I was for real...” She pauses, breathing heavy, thinking about her fantasy. Charley seems to be a little distracted to, looking into Cara’s eyes as she talks, losing herself in thought of Cara breaking up that zoo-sex party ... Cara breaks the mood, “Of course, that’s not what it was like.”
It takes Charley a second to realise the answer is over. “Well of course not, otherwise we’d all be joining the police...” She jokes.
“Or getting locked up!” Adds Cara.
“So,” Charley continues, “Is there a man in your life at the moment? Or a woman... ?”
Cara smiles broadly. “No one special ... The position is open ... Man, woman, or perhaps canine!”
Cut to Cara’s bedroom. Curtains closed, a little cramped. The lighting isn’t great but the bed is big and looks comfortable – and Cara is standing infront of it, beginning to unbutton the front of her shirt.
She opens it up to reveal a plain white bra filled with soft pale flesh. Pulls the shirt backwards off her arms, sleeves turning inside out, buttoned cuffs catching on her wrists making the strip less than graceful ... Then flips her long hair loose again.
Next - it’s her trousers. Belt unbuckled, button popped, zip down, trousers slipped down her firm thighs, over her long legs – stepping out, folding them, putting them to the side. Straightening her white bikini brief panties. Stroking a hand over her flat belly. Then standing proud and confident. As tall and slim as she looked in her uniform, but with that milky white flesh softening her look. She’s no supermodel, but she knows she looks good.
She unfastens her bra, letting her firm boobs free - they barely drop an inch, nipples standing proud and pointing dead ahead. She cups her hands over them for a second, a touch of shyness, then takes the corners of her panties and slides them down her long legs, steps out of them, then straightens up - barefoot and naked, pussy trimmed down to stubble, with her panties in her hand.
“How do you feel right now?” Asks Charley, holding the microphone out for Cara’s reaction.
Cara twists her face up a little as she thinks about it. “I’m okay ... A wee bit nervous, but not too bad.”
Charley smiles, half laughing. “What’s to be nervous about? You’re naked on camera and about to have sex with a dog for the first time ... That happens all the time...”
Cara laughs a little. “To you maybe...” She laughs again. A nervous laugh rather than an amused one.
“So, would you like to meet your next lover?” Asks Charley, flicking her long dark hair back over her shoulder.
Cara smiles and nods... “Yes please...”
We cut to the door as it opens and this week’s beast enters...
It’s Bruno the Boxer. Drew, his white-haired owner follows along at the end of his leash. The powerful dog pulling against him as soon as he sees Cara standing there, all pale, slim, and willing.
As soon as he enters Cara begins to breath heavily. “My heartbeat just went up to a hundred!” She says with a slight gasp, bringing a hand to her chest, supposedly to calm her heart, but she ends up just holding one of her boobs.
Drew lets the dog pull over to the woman, all the time egging him on. “Gonnee fuck a police lady, boy ... Gonnee fuck a pig!” He looks at Cara and winks. She winks back, apparently liking the insult.
A few minutes later, Cara is on her knees but upright, stroking Bruno as he sits next to her. Charley crouches next to them, alternating between looking at the dog, the woman and the camera, as if she’s never quite sure which she should be focused on.
“Regular viewers will know that Bruno here is one of the roughest dogs we’ve got – and that once he gets started, he won’t stop ... So I’ll just check with Cara that she’s completely happy with what’s about to happen.” Says Charley.
Cara is looking up at her as she speaks, and nods as the question is asked. “Yes. 100%. I can’t wait!”
“So, in a second I’m going to ask you to assume the position...” Charley says to a nodding Cara. “You need to put your knees about shoulder width apart, then get those pretty boobies as close to the floor as you can – and stick that lovely bum out for him ... And he’ll do the rest...”
Drew is just off camera and we can hear him comment that “If he doesn’t, I will...” The camera catches Charley’s expression for a fraction of a second, it seems pretty obvious that she isn’t impressed with Drew, possibly even dislikes him. He’s that kind of guy.
“Okay then,” Charley says, ignoring Drew. “Assume the position...” She points at the floor in an over-dramatic manner. More like a game-show host than a documentary presenter.
A little anticipatory smile crosses Cara’s face as she adjusts the position of her knees, then leans forward onto her hands so she’s on all-fours. She pushes her arse up and back, then lowers herself from hands-and-knees, to elbows and knees, then even further until she’s resting on her chest, the side of her face and her soft tits are pressed against the floor. She reaches back with both hands, one spreading her rear a little, completely exposing her pussy, the other between her thighs in an almost ‘catching’ position.
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Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...
Series 4, Episode 9: SHELLEY We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town. Out of season and on a windy, cold and rainy day, the place is virtually...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...
We’re cruising along a wide and quiet suburban street. Green lawns stretch back from the pavement to the nice semi-detached homes. There’s a slim woman walking a large dog along the side of the road, and we pan around to look at her as we pass – it’s no-one we know, but we kind of wish we did! Then we’re looking forward again – seeing an intersection infront of us ... Then pulling up, looking out of the side window right at a single story, flat-roofed building. A sign outside reads,...