The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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Series 2, Episode 6: Barbara
We’re here in a residential suburb of Greater London – lots of small semi-detached homes, wide streets. We focus on one particular home, there’s a couple standing at the front door, facing in our direction. He’s looking straight at us, her gaze is directed more toward the ground.
She’s middle-aged with short blonde hair edging toward white. Anonymous features, frameless spectacles. Her blue denim button-up shirt and knee length black skirt suggest that she’s not carrying much extra weight.
He’s a big man. Burley, fat over muscle. Casually dressed in jeans and a t-shirt.
He speaks in a rough, deep voice. “I’m Mark MacDonald, and this is my wife Barbara. Say hello Barbara.”
She looks up from the floor and smiles at us - it’s an almost apologetic act. “Hello.”
Mark continues. “I’ve been married to Barbara for nearly 20 years. She’s 57 years old, and she knows her place. Right Barbara?”
She looks up at him and lets a little smile escape. “Yes, sir. I know my place.”
Mark looks full of himself.
“Barbara is a good slut. She’s been serving me for a long time – and she serves me well, which is why I married the cunt. “ He smiles as he talks, and she looks up at him as if he is some kind of God.
“Say your line...” He orders.
She speaks with a slow, deliberate tone. “Hello, my name is Barbara MacDonald. I’m 57 years old. I’m a civil servant from Barnet.’
Now Barbara is standing in the middle of their back yard. It’s a reasonable sized yard – maybe 10 meters wide, with a 6 foot high wooden fence on either side. It’s all very neat and tidy. Quick camera shots show that the rear windows of the houses on either side of the property can see into this yard.
We cut back and forth from this scene between the two of them as they are interviewed separately. Away from Mark, she is a little more relaxed. Away from her, he is still an arrogant prick.
Barbara – “We met via a personals advert. I’ve always worked in positions of responsibility, you know, I’ve always been the authority. I work in the local council planning authority.”
Mark – “She was looking for someone to tell her what to do. She didn’t want a man she could push around.”
We cut back to Barbara as she unbuttons her blouse to reveal the white bra beneath – there’s not a lot in it.
Barbara – “I was married once before, and he was a lovely man, but it was boring. He wanted me to be his mother more than his wife. I want a man who will take charge.”
Under instruction from Mark she unzips and removes her skirt...
Mark – “I don’t take shit from anyone. I like a woman who knows her place. Barbara’s good like that – she WANTS to be put in her place ... And I’m happy to put her there.”
As he speaks in voice-over we see him pointing right in Barbara’s face. Aggressively standing over her. Her cowering a little.
Barbara – “A lot of people might think he’s an arrogant bastard. The way he talks to me. The way he orders me around in public. But I love it. I really do.”
Mark – “She needs to be bossed around, and I need to boss someone around, so we’re a perfect match. I might treat her like a cunt, but let’s be honest, they’re all cunts – it’s just that most of them won’t admit it, and most men are scared to say so.”
She unfastens her bra letting small boobs sag free – nipples erect. Mark threatens to slap them with his big hands – threatens again – then does it. A sharp smack right across the nipple ... Then balances it out on the other boob. She recoils a little, breaths hard. All the time, continuing to talk in voice-over.
Barbara smiles weakly – “It’s very freeing to just surrender to another person’s orders. Do what you’re told whether you like it or not, and try to find your own joy in his pleasure.”
Back in the yard – she pulls her briefs down her thighs, steps out of them, and stands there naked in the open air. Exposed to any neighbour who happens to look out of their bedroom window. What’s the most degrading thing he’s ever made you do?
Barbara thinks for a moment. “He likes me to lick his arse clean after he’s been to the toilet.”
And how do you find that?
She shrugs. “I enjoy it, really. I doesn’t taste nice, but I know he likes it, and I don’t have any choice.”
Back to Mark.
What would happen if she didn’t do what you told her?
He thinks for a second. “I don’t know. It’s never happened yet.”
Back in the yard, Barbara is kneeling in the middle of the grass. Mark is tying a rope around her arms, pulling them tight together behind her back so that her chest is forced out and her small boobs completely unprotected. He’s talking to her the whole time, vaguely threatening, but somehow loving at the same time. We can see from her face that this is physically uncomfortable, but she says it’s alright.
Back to her interview. “I would do anything he asked me to do.”
He’s behind her, attaching a ‘O’ gag to her head, the ‘bit’ keeping her mouth uncomfortably open.
Back to Mark – “What I really want to do is bind her, gag her, and then blindfold her ... And not tell her about the dog. Let her find out what’s happening as it happens.”
Back to Barbara’s interview...
Do you know why you’re here today?
She looks a little nervous, forces a smile and shakes her head. “No, he hasn’t told me yet. He never tells me until it’s time.”
IF he did ask you to do something you didn’t want to do ... Do you have a safe word?
She nods, “Yes, it’s ‘Purple’ – or if I’m gagged I just have to shake my head. But I won’t.”
Cut to Barbara on her knees, naked, bound and gagged, on the grass. She looks into camera and tries to speak with her mouth jammed open by the ‘O’ gag. Subtitles help us understand exactly what she’s saying.
“My name is Barbara MacDonald, and I’m going to do whatever my master orders me to do.”
And with that Mark steps in and fastens a blindfold over her eyes. He takes hold of the rope between her arms, which are still tied behind her, and leans her forward – bending at the hips until her chest is on the ground, her arse up in the air. Small tits tied tight, pressed against the cool grass. In position. She’s no idea what’s about to happen – but she’s ready for it.
Now we’re watching as Randall, that little muscle-bound pitbull walks up the pathway to the front door of Mark and Barbara’s home. He’s pulling on his chain, keen to get where he’s going, his collar almost choking him. His big balls jiggling behind him as he walks.
Thomas – his middle-aged, cheeky, chirpy, Cockney owner speaks in voice-over. “Randall is a 4 year old American Pitbull.”
Thomas opens the front door of the house and lets Randall lead him through.
“Randall’s been having sex with women for a little over a year...”
They walk straight through the house...
“He’s a randy little bugger, and he’s very keen to service as many new women as he can...”
Out of the house through French-windows into the rear yard where they find ... Barbara, naked, tits on the grass, arse in the air. Facing away from them so that the only thing Randall can see is her arse, her thighs and a very inviting old pussy.
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Series 5, Episode 7: Asha Goyal We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our host, Charley, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth...
As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
Series 3, Episode 10: Stacy On one side of the street a row of pre-War three-story buildings – shopfront downstairs, residential apartment/flats above. On the other side of the street, modern four/five level office buildings, and an old train station with a sign outside that reads, “Welcome to Enfield Chase”. We’re in North London to meet our next subject, and she’s a subject who’s worth meeting. Back to those shopfronts – one in particular – Hair By Hottinger. A modest hair and beauty...
Series 6, Episode 11 – Janine Saunders (18), from Birmingham We fade in on a nice townhouse in a nice neighbourhood – then we cut to inside the house and see our hostess – Charley – sitting at her desk, a large computer editing suite laid out infront of her (big computer, multiple screens, etc.) She appears to be editing an episode of ‘The United Kingdom of Zoo’ as we watch, although there’s nothing sexual on screen at the moment, just a young couple walking a large Alsatian. Charley turns...
We open with our beautiful animated shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Then our cartoon, top heavy tattooed version of Charley appears, floating in the sky with us, winking and smiling - then waving for us to follow her as she turns and falls toward the country at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit toward the northern part of England, all the way down to a large old city of Sheffield right in the middle, in just a few seconds. Our animated Charley leads us all the...
Series 9, Episode 16: Sienna Triosi (24), from Ipswich We open with a shot of a very boring, street two-up two-down terraced houses. Small paved front yards provide off street parking for a couple of small cars each. And then, walking up the street toward us – the chunky figure of our favourite Cockney wideboy, Dennis, and beside him the sleek, narrow figure of his mean looking, hard-loving, but ultimately very well-behaved Doberman, Casanova. We track backwards as he walks – keeping him...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...
We’re cruising along a wide and quiet suburban street. Green lawns stretch back from the pavement to the nice semi-detached homes. There’s a slim woman walking a large dog along the side of the road, and we pan around to look at her as we pass – it’s no-one we know, but we kind of wish we did! Then we’re looking forward again – seeing an intersection infront of us ... Then pulling up, looking out of the side window right at a single story, flat-roofed building. A sign outside reads,...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a grim street of residential blocks – skinny kids running around as exhausted looking single mothers carry the shopping home... Now we’re at a railway station, a big, clean and vibrant space. A sign on the wall reads ‘BIRMINGHAM NEW STREET’. It’s a large modern space, with...