The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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Series 2, Episode 20: Nigella
Focus on a friendly 30-something woman standing outside a small reception venue. Her dyed blonde hair is pulled back behind a double-pierced ear with two rings through the lobe, then falls casually over her company uniform, a dark blue blouse and skirt combination coupled with a moderate heeled shoe. Smart, but comfortable. The uniform doesn’t give much away about what is hidden beneath, but from a quick appraisal we can judge that she’s carrying a few extra kilos. She’s no stunner, but her white-toothed smile is engaging and her blues eyes bright.
“Hello,” she opens in a strong Yorkshire accent, “I’m Nigella Megson, I’m a 32 year old mother of three. I’m a venue manager for a leisure services team in Leeds, England, and ... I’m DESPERATE to have sex with a dog!”
The rest of the staff at the reception centre, including management, believe we are shooting a documentary about working mothers, with Nigella as our subject today. Little do they know.
The majority of the interview is conducted at the family home, with husband Wayne by her side, and three young children running riot in the background. 5 and 7 year old sons fighting whilst 10 yr old daughter tries to dance. We intercut between direct-to-camera interview footage, shots of family life, and shots of Nigella at work under the audio of the interview.
“We tried to spice things up a couple of years ago. Wayne’s always been going on about how sexy it is when a woman has sex with a dog while her husband watches, and I think that’s a bit, you know, it’s kinky. It doesn’t turn me on itself, but making your partner happy by doing something so disgusting, there’s something really erotic about that ... So, we went online and we found this couple from Sheffield. We got friendly and we watched her blow their dog on a webcam. Wayne had sex with me while we watched and I was sooooo wet. I didn’t know if it was because she was sucking a dog’s willy, or if it was because it was so intimate. Just a computer screen between us. We could talk to her whilst she did it. She could hear me moan while Wayne did me.”
“They were talking the whole time.” Adds Wayne. “You know women, can’t stop them talking!” He smiles at his line.
Nigella ignores him and continues. “After a couple of weeks we went over to see them for some fun with their dog – I was supposed to have sex with him, and Wayne was going to watch with them ... But that all went wrong. They had been so nice on-line, but face-to-face they weren’t that nice. The husband wanted to watch me have sex with his wife before we played with the dog, and that’s not what I’m into at all. I’m happy to play with an animal, but I’m not a lesbian!”
“She’s definitely not a lesbian.” Adds Wayne.
“I really wanted to try it though, so we bought a dog.” Says Nigella. “A great big German Shepherd, hair everywhere. We had him a year, house training him, taking him for walks ... Waiting for him to be old enough ... But when I started trying to touch his privates he got very defensive, violent even - bit me a few times. It was a bit of a thrill to be honest, the danger of it, but I didn’t feel safe enough to go on. I think we rushed him a little. It was very sad, we had to give him away. It almost put us off. It was like it wasn’t supposed to happen.” She looks a little sad.
Then Wayne speaks again, “Then we saw your advert...” They both smile.
Cut to: The garden at the reception venue. It’s a classy location and appears fairly deserted. One of the advantages of Nigella managing the venue is that she has access to it when no-one else is around. We cut to Nigella, standing on a flight of steps where a hundred couples have had their wedding photographs taken ... But Nigella’s not wearing white, well, not much of it ... She’s wearing almost nothing. Stockings, suspenders, panties, bra and a crooked little smile. Nothing more. Her boobs are a decent size, her belly slightly rounded, her thighs a little chunky and her bum a little saggy.
In close-up, she continues her pre-sex comments. “I’ve been looking forward to this for ever-so-long. For me, and for Wayne, I’m hoping that the dog will really blow my mind ... And if he does, you can rest assured that I’ll blow him right back!” She smiles, quite proud of her line.
We cut to a longer shot, full length, as she removes her bra and those big boobs sag, her big hard nipples virtually pointing to the floor. She removes her knickers, leaving her stockings and suspenders on, and revealing that her pussy is neatly trimmed, well looked after. A quick close-up, coupled with a camera-friendly thigh spread from Nigella reveals that she has a couple of gold rings through her labia (which match the two in her right ear).
So you’ve wanted to do it for a long time ... Now we’re here ... Any second thoughts... ?
Nigella laughs out loud. “No ... We’ve both wanted this for so long. Wayne especially ... I think he’d explode if I didn’t go through with this now!!”
Wayne, standing just off to the side of the camera, adds, “I’ll explode if you DO go through with this!”
Outside the venue, a black van rolls along the gravel driveway into the empty car park. The rear door opens, and after a short – undramatic pause – a big black Rottweiler jumps out and sniffs around happily. It’s Rocky, our original dog, making his first appearance of the second series.
Pablo, his owner, gets out of the driver’s door and stretches, then whistles to his dog, and begins to walk to the front entrance of the building with the Rocky at his heel.
Pablo speaks in voice over with a lazy, almost sleepy tone. “I’m Pablo, and this is Rocky ... Rocky has serviced plenty of women in his life, but he’s never done it outside my house, so today is a new experience for more than just this nice young lady...”
In the garden, with Nigella in her lingerie, looking back to the building, breathing hard – her nerves rising. Waiting for her future...
It’s smiles all around - Nigella, Wayne, our crew, and the newly arrived Pablo, as he and Rocky walk out of the building and arrive at the top of the steps, looking down at the semi-naked woman. Rocky makes a move, skittering down the steps toward her, with a leering open mouthed ‘smile’ on his wide face. Nigella takes an almost involuntary step backwards, down another step, as he approaches. Not scared, not really...
Rocky comes right down to her, a steps up from her, so when he arrives his snout is around the level of her pussy ... And he takes advantage of that to sniff at her and take a couple of quick licks catching her inner thigh more than her pussy, and causing her to gasp a little – more surprised than pleasure on this occasion.
She recovers quickly, and bends her legs a little, spreading her thighs a little again, reaching down to pull her pubic mound upwards and expose those pierced pussy lips to Rocky, presenting him an invitation to lick her property. He accepts the invitation. His big hot tongue slurping over her pussy lips, soaking them, tasting everything. As he licks there’s the wet tongue-on-flesh sound, but also the slight metallic clink of her pussy rings rubbing against each other.
Rocky steps into it, down a step, angling his head up, snout between her thighs from a low angle, face right up under her cunt, tongue working non-stop.
She’s gasping and smiling, spreading her thighs by bending her legs, taking her weight with her thigh muscles rather than through her skeleton, almost falling over as the dog’s licking gets seriously good to her. Breathing hard, chest expanding until her ribs are straining the flesh ... Little, “Aaaahhhhhh, mmmmmm’ noises through pursed lips. Rocky continues working her pussy until she’s on the edge of her orgasm. She’s grinding her hips down toward the dog to meet his snout and that magical tongue. Biting her bottim lip, the noise changing to a higher pitched, “Nnnnnnnnnnnnnmmmm”. Almost squeaking, then... “Ffwwwaaahhhhhhhhrrrrrr” as she cums for the first time.
She staggers backwards, Rocky follows, still trying to lick at her now overly sensitive pussy. She’s wearing a smile as wide as a bus. Slowly coming back to the real world, turning her head to Wayne and exclaiming that, “This is fucking awesome!” Staggering. “Why didn’t we do this before?” She laughs.
Pushing Rocky away with one hand, keeping her legs as close together as she can manage, she looks into camera. “I’m tempted to ask if we can just to that over and over again...” She says. “But I want the cock just a little bit too much!”
“Dirty girl!” Sniggers Wayne.
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Series 4, Episode 18: RACHAEL We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... A large sewage treatment plant. A mini montage of big circular pools of household waste, being chewed up and cleaned by large rotating mechanical arms ... It looks like it smells terrible. The occasional member of staff, checking equipment, wearing full overalls...
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from Tottenham, London. We fade in on our hostess, Charley. She’s skirting that territory between sexy and strange. With her heavily botoxed face, obviously fake bolt-on boobs, and all those tattoos on her chest, her legs, her arms ... All wrapped up in too-small clothes, showing off as much flesh as possible – mini-skirt, sleeveless low-cut top. She’s strange, but she’s ours... We’re on a wide grey street, black fences on either side, nothing beyond them on one side, a blue storage...
Series 4, Episode 19: Belinda We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... We’re in an unimpressive residential area. Lots of orange/brown two story terraced houses that probably looked very modern and sharp in the early 80s, but now just look boring. An occasional resident walks along the street alone, a couple of cars pass by –...
We fade in on high street – plenty of people around, obviously not during the Coronavirus lockdown. The camera swings around to face a bank, then moves in through the doors – past a member of staff on the front desk who waves at whoever is holding the camera (clearly knowing them) ... The camera moves past a line of customers and up to one of the cash windows ... The clerk behind the window looks up... She’s middle-aged, with a tired, almost ‘loose’ looking face – one of those big mouths...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a crowded sandy beach – kids building sandcastles, parents sunbathing ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures... Now we’re looking at a sandy beach on a perfect summer’s day – small waves rolling...
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We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us like a perverted version of Supergirl ... She smiles at us, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea level over the Severn Estuary, between Wales (with a cartoonish huge flag waving on the coast, and the south-west coast of England, with...
Series 5, Episode 10: Alison Latham (47) – Wolverhampton We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole country in one shot. Then our very cartoonish, top heavy and slutty caricature of Charley appears infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” Then she waves for us to follow her, turns and skydives toward the country below at...
Footage through a car window, looking out at a twilight sky and a virtually empty motorway ahead ... There’s a car in the distance ahead of us, an occasional car or truck coming the other way, passing us at speed, nothing like you’d expect from a busy rush hour motorway. Then we’re looking down at the driver from a high angle, corner mounted GoPro. The driver, as you’d expect, is the cleavage heavy, filthy looking pornstar-esque Charley Ozvik, the face of the British bestiality business, and...
“The United Kingdom of Zoo” Series 5, Episode 3: Rebecca We open with a shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us like a twisted version of the old “Bewitched’ tv titles ... She smiles at us, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit to sea level over the English Channel, off the south coast, in...
Series 5, Episode 7: Asha Goyal We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our host, Charley, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth...
As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
Series 3, Episode 10: Stacy On one side of the street a row of pre-War three-story buildings – shopfront downstairs, residential apartment/flats above. On the other side of the street, modern four/five level office buildings, and an old train station with a sign outside that reads, “Welcome to Enfield Chase”. We’re in North London to meet our next subject, and she’s a subject who’s worth meeting. Back to those shopfronts – one in particular – Hair By Hottinger. A modest hair and beauty...
Series 6, Episode 11 – Janine Saunders (18), from Birmingham We fade in on a nice townhouse in a nice neighbourhood – then we cut to inside the house and see our hostess – Charley – sitting at her desk, a large computer editing suite laid out infront of her (big computer, multiple screens, etc.) She appears to be editing an episode of ‘The United Kingdom of Zoo’ as we watch, although there’s nothing sexual on screen at the moment, just a young couple walking a large Alsatian. Charley turns...
We open with our beautiful animated shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Then our cartoon, top heavy tattooed version of Charley appears, floating in the sky with us, winking and smiling - then waving for us to follow her as she turns and falls toward the country at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit toward the northern part of England, all the way down to a large old city of Sheffield right in the middle, in just a few seconds. Our animated Charley leads us all the...
Series 9, Episode 16: Sienna Triosi (24), from Ipswich We open with a shot of a very boring, street two-up two-down terraced houses. Small paved front yards provide off street parking for a couple of small cars each. And then, walking up the street toward us – the chunky figure of our favourite Cockney wideboy, Dennis, and beside him the sleek, narrow figure of his mean looking, hard-loving, but ultimately very well-behaved Doberman, Casanova. We track backwards as he walks – keeping him...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...
We’re cruising along a wide and quiet suburban street. Green lawns stretch back from the pavement to the nice semi-detached homes. There’s a slim woman walking a large dog along the side of the road, and we pan around to look at her as we pass – it’s no-one we know, but we kind of wish we did! Then we’re looking forward again – seeing an intersection infront of us ... Then pulling up, looking out of the side window right at a single story, flat-roofed building. A sign outside reads,...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......