The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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Series 3, Episode 3: Madeline
So far in this series we’ve had a skinny emo teenager with big boobs, and a slightly overstuffed punky blonde ... We’re due a good looking lady – and here she is...
We focus on a married couple walking hand-in-hand along the Albert Dock in Liverpool.
She’s short and very pretty without being stunning. The kind of lady who looks good in the street but would disappear if you stood her next to a model. Her long and thick reddish brown hair hangs way below her shoulders, and her big black coat gives no indication to what kind of body she might have.
Her husband is much taller, and much much wider, with a big bushy beard and a lot of dark hair. He’s got a big coat on too, but it’s pretty obvious that he’s a big guy under that.
They’re obviously very much in love.
She speaks in voice-over as they walk. Her Scouse accent is soft, nicely spoken, and has a pronounced lisp. “My name ith Madeline Dyer, I’m 31 yearth old, I’m married to Nick. He ownth a bar in the middle of Liverpool. I uthed to work behind the bar, but he preferth to keep me away from the animalth, ath he callth them ... But today, I’ll be getting clother to a real animal than I’ve ever been.”
Cut to the pair of them in close-up. The Mersey River behind them. Nick smiles as she talks.
Madeline - “My main reathon for doing thith today ith Josh ... He’s a fantathtic fella, and he’th alwayth been turned on by dogthex videoth. He’th been begging me to come on your thow ever thinth it began.” She grabs Nick’s arm and holds him close as she makes a joke, “I’ve been having thex with thith big teddy bear for yearth, tho a dog thouldn’t be anything too thcary!”
How will you feel if the customers at your bar see the show?
Nick speaks with a deep voice. Even speaking quietly, it rumbles. “I’ll be showing it at the bar. I’ll make an evening of it. Get Maddie to work behind the bar again, let everyone see what a special one I’ve got. I know I’m the luckiest man in Liverpool, everyone else should know it too!”
And we’ll be shooting the scene IN your bar, is that correct?
“Yes, I want to be able to point over at where they do it and tell everyone in the bar that ‘that’s where my beautiful wife got fucked by the dog!”
And how do you feel about that, Madeline?
Madeline shrugs, cracking a little smile. “I feel good ... I like that he’th proud of me. I only want to make him happy.”
Cut to – outside “TRIPLE FANTASY”, a trendy looking winebar in the middle of Liverpool. Nick unlocks the doors and we follow him in with a handheld camera, passing three big framed paintings on the wall, one of Beatles legend John Lennon, one of Liverpool legend Steve Gerrard, and one of legend in his own mind Nick ... Nick tells us that, “Maddie painted these ... She’s brilliant, isn’t she?” We don’t argue, the pictures are all very accurate.
Into the bar, Nick turns the lights on and the whole room is lit up ... Madeline walks to the middle of the floor, turns to face us and holds her arms out as if to say, ‘Here we are!”
Nick points to where she’s standing. “I fell in love with her right on that spot ... We’ve got a bit of a tradition here, like an initiation. Our bar manager is a lesbian and an exhibitionist, and part of her bonus is that she gets to fuck all the new bar staff ... She only hires girls she finds attractive ... So I’m watching Maddie and her going at it, right there on the floor, they were doing a 69 right there, and there was something about the way she looked going down on Andrea ... I must have seen a dozen girls doing that, but none of them made me feel the way I did watching Maddie...”
Madeline is grinning and looking shy at the same time. “I like to think I’m good at thex – I’m very energetic ... I like it. I have a very thenthative puthy, it doethn’t take much to get me off...”
And do you think a dog will get you off?
Madeline and Nick look at each other and exchange evil little grins. “If he’th a big dog and he lathts more than a minute I’ll be in heaven...”
Fade to a black screen. Pause. Then the beat kicks in. An instrumental cut of Staying Alive, by the Bee Gees. Fade up and there’s Mr Stamina himself – Samson ... He’s walking proudly, head held high, the video edited so that he’s perfectly in step with the music.
His big mottled brown and white body, those long legs, his huge head and paws, tongue hanging out. A happy beast, but a damn frightening one too.
With him, consciously walking in time with the beat, Greg his young owner, with a pep in his step, looking pretty cocky. He speaks rather than sings... “You can tell by the way he uses his walk, that he’s a woman’s dog – no time to talk ... Music loud and women warm, he’s been fucking them since he was born...” He smiles at his own lyric, then shrugs and moves on with his introduction. “This is Samson ... He’s a 6 year old German Pointer, and an expert lover of ladies ... Me and Samson here, we’re looking for love in all the right places ... And here’s one of those places now...” Cut to Triple Fantasy, after dark, with a bar full of patrons. ‘Staying Alive’ is playing over the bar’s sound system and everyone appears to know what’s going on. Although it’s not a strip club and doesn’t traditionally have dancers, everyone has cleared the floor to make room for Madeline, who is performing a dance, and already stripped to her underwear.
She has a tight little body and surprisingly large boobs which wobble and jiggle in her bra, threatening to jump out with every move she makes. She tries to look sensual, but every time she turns to face the bar she can see Nick and cracks a smile.
She’s a pretty good dancer, and even the ‘off’ steps are fine, because we (and the bars patrons) are just happy to see her clothes coming off. She smiles to herself, and to the crowd, as she reaches behind her back to unhook her bra, removing it in tantalising stages – not letting us see her naked chest until the last possible moment. Bra off they look pretty damned good too! Full and natural, sagging a little under their own weight, but looking as good as a 31 year old’s tits can look – which is pretty bloody good!
She spins around, fingers running through her long hair, her chest out - moving closer to the crowd, some of whom reach out to grope her boobs. She doesn’t stop them, making an effort to present those puppies to anyone who wants to cop a feel. Male and female – everyone likes a nice pair of boobs!
She shakes her finger and backs away to the middle of the floor, then when she’s absolutely positive that every eye in the room is on her – she pulls her panties down around her ankles, then steps out and kicks them across the floor toward Nick. Her pussy is a perfectly trimmed little landing strip, barely an inch wide. Dark, unlike the reddish brown on her head (and over her shoulders).
She’s an impressive sight – she could make a living at this ... So impressive in fact that no-one has noticed Samson and Greg arriving and slipping in behind the crowd – even though Samson is dancing around, excited rather than scared by the loud music. But now they see him as Greg unhooks him from his chain and sends him toward the naked woman...
Madeline sees the dog coming and skips backwards a little, her broad smile cracking into a short, excited laugh. “Oh God... !” She giggles. The patrons standing around in a circle have gone very quiet, and the music has ended too, so everything that is said, every noise that is made is suddenly quite clearly audible.
She drops to her haunches, knees out wide, and leans forward to stroke and fuss over the big German Pointer. His short brown and white hair and muscular body next to her tanned flesh and curves. He’s pushing his big head against her, sniffing her, trying to lick her. She’s not keen for a kiss so tries to keep her face away from him.
He suddenly moves forward, half rearing up to mount her – from infront – but ultimately just knocking her backwards and over onto her back. She tumbles down and ends up with her legs spread. Samson sees his chance – burying his face in the most oderous part of her anatomy. The sweet smelling and quite delicious looking pussy...
She laughs, his tongue tickling her as much as thrilling her – for now ... He buries his snout in there, his hot tongue working her cunt like a professional. Her giggles soon turn to gasps and she spreads her legs wider and wider to allow him full access to her wet snatch. Her fingers holding the top of his head, gently, she likes touching fur whilst this is happening.
The patrons close in just a little to watch what she’s up to next. Likewise, Nick is using his vantage point to get the best view possible of his diminutive wife with the oversized beast.
Building toward the inevitable orgasm – closer every second, every lick, every wet slopping sound as his tongue slops back into his mouth between licks ... She only needs a few more seconds of his hot tongue ... Breathing hard, trying to control herself ... Her big tits sitting on an ever expanding rib-cage as she draws in more and more air ... The dog’s tongue driving her to distraction. Wet, sloppy, hot ... That noise – tongue on pussy, tongue back into mouth, slop slop slop ... It’s enough to send herto heaven ... She finally gives in to the feeling and allows an orgasm to explode right through her body. Feeling the buzzing, tingling heat of pleasure all over her skin.
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Series 4, Episode 18: RACHAEL We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... A large sewage treatment plant. A mini montage of big circular pools of household waste, being chewed up and cleaned by large rotating mechanical arms ... It looks like it smells terrible. The occasional member of staff, checking equipment, wearing full overalls...
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from Tottenham, London. We fade in on our hostess, Charley. She’s skirting that territory between sexy and strange. With her heavily botoxed face, obviously fake bolt-on boobs, and all those tattoos on her chest, her legs, her arms ... All wrapped up in too-small clothes, showing off as much flesh as possible – mini-skirt, sleeveless low-cut top. She’s strange, but she’s ours... We’re on a wide grey street, black fences on either side, nothing beyond them on one side, a blue storage...
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We fade in on high street – plenty of people around, obviously not during the Coronavirus lockdown. The camera swings around to face a bank, then moves in through the doors – past a member of staff on the front desk who waves at whoever is holding the camera (clearly knowing them) ... The camera moves past a line of customers and up to one of the cash windows ... The clerk behind the window looks up... She’s middle-aged, with a tired, almost ‘loose’ looking face – one of those big mouths...
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We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us like a perverted version of Supergirl ... She smiles at us, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea level over the Severn Estuary, between Wales (with a cartoonish huge flag waving on the coast, and the south-west coast of England, with...
Series 5, Episode 10: Alison Latham (47) – Wolverhampton We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole country in one shot. Then our very cartoonish, top heavy and slutty caricature of Charley appears infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” Then she waves for us to follow her, turns and skydives toward the country below at...
Footage through a car window, looking out at a twilight sky and a virtually empty motorway ahead ... There’s a car in the distance ahead of us, an occasional car or truck coming the other way, passing us at speed, nothing like you’d expect from a busy rush hour motorway. Then we’re looking down at the driver from a high angle, corner mounted GoPro. The driver, as you’d expect, is the cleavage heavy, filthy looking pornstar-esque Charley Ozvik, the face of the British bestiality business, and...
“The United Kingdom of Zoo” Series 5, Episode 3: Rebecca We open with a shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us like a twisted version of the old “Bewitched’ tv titles ... She smiles at us, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit to sea level over the English Channel, off the south coast, in...
Series 5, Episode 7: Asha Goyal We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our host, Charley, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the UK below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth...
As part of our commitment to social distancing and the safety of our great nation, this season of the “United Kingdom of Zoo” has been filmed almost entirely with remote cameras. We wish to thank the many lovely ladies who have travelled to see us at our Manchester studios, and hope they all enjoyed fulfilling their fantasies as much as we enjoyed watching... We fade in on a dark set. A spotlight illuminates a single bed – steel-frame, mattress, no bedclothes or pillows. We had a scour a...
Series 3, Episode 10: Stacy On one side of the street a row of pre-War three-story buildings – shopfront downstairs, residential apartment/flats above. On the other side of the street, modern four/five level office buildings, and an old train station with a sign outside that reads, “Welcome to Enfield Chase”. We’re in North London to meet our next subject, and she’s a subject who’s worth meeting. Back to those shopfronts – one in particular – Hair By Hottinger. A modest hair and beauty...
Series 6, Episode 11 – Janine Saunders (18), from Birmingham We fade in on a nice townhouse in a nice neighbourhood – then we cut to inside the house and see our hostess – Charley – sitting at her desk, a large computer editing suite laid out infront of her (big computer, multiple screens, etc.) She appears to be editing an episode of ‘The United Kingdom of Zoo’ as we watch, although there’s nothing sexual on screen at the moment, just a young couple walking a large Alsatian. Charley turns...
We open with our beautiful animated shot of the United Kingdom – from space ... Then our cartoon, top heavy tattooed version of Charley appears, floating in the sky with us, winking and smiling - then waving for us to follow her as she turns and falls toward the country at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit toward the northern part of England, all the way down to a large old city of Sheffield right in the middle, in just a few seconds. Our animated Charley leads us all the...
Series 9, Episode 16: Sienna Triosi (24), from Ipswich We open with a shot of a very boring, street two-up two-down terraced houses. Small paved front yards provide off street parking for a couple of small cars each. And then, walking up the street toward us – the chunky figure of our favourite Cockney wideboy, Dennis, and beside him the sleek, narrow figure of his mean looking, hard-loving, but ultimately very well-behaved Doberman, Casanova. We track backwards as he walks – keeping him...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We open this week’s show, as usual, with an establishing shot of the seafront of a small seaside town. Shops and shoppers, deserted ice-cream stands, a beach filled with yellow sand but virtually no holiday makers, and a very choppy bay stretching out in the distance, with land on one side and a pier on the other. We can hear the unmistakable blustering sound of wind blowing in off the sea ... We’re clearly at a seaside resort in the middle of winter. A big caption appears, filling almost...
We’re cruising along a wide and quiet suburban street. Green lawns stretch back from the pavement to the nice semi-detached homes. There’s a slim woman walking a large dog along the side of the road, and we pan around to look at her as we pass – it’s no-one we know, but we kind of wish we did! Then we’re looking forward again – seeing an intersection infront of us ... Then pulling up, looking out of the side window right at a single story, flat-roofed building. A sign outside reads,...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – dropping all the way down to the North Sea, just off the coast ... Reaching sea level in a few seconds. From here we race toward the coast, between two piers, under a couple of bridges, and up a wide and winding river ... Under an old steel bridge, over a new concrete bridge, then deep inland ... At speed ......