The United Kingdom of Zoo A fake BBC documentary series s4e16 Olivia
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We begin with home video footage of a young boy and his mother in a doctor’s office. It’s one of those feel-good Youtube clips of a child getting his first aural implant. The boy is cute, his mother is nervous and but trying to sit still. We focus on her for a second, wondering if she’s our guest this week ... Then the audiologist leans in – her fiery orange-red hair hanging down loose over her shoulders, a warming smile, a pretty face. She tinkers with a small plastic implant on the side of the boy’s head, then turns to her computer and taps a few keys ... Turns back to him, looks him in the eyes, and then says, “Hello Richard...” The boys eyes light up...
The rest of the brief moment of joy, mother crying, audiologist smiling – is played out in silence as our guest introduces herself in voice-over.
She speaks in a soothing, smooth tone and we note a clear American accent (not too strong and from the educated northern states). “My name is Helen Mahr ... I’m 43 years old, and ... If you’d told me ten years ago that I’d be here today, doing this ... I would have thought you were crazy!”
We cut to a shot of her walking along a river-bank in idyllic countryside. Now dressed in sensible walking clothes rather than her medical white coat. Her face soft, but with clearly defined features - nice jaw, strong nose, good cheekbones ... Soft, smooth skin.
She’s not in a rush – everything about her whispers, ‘relaxxxxxx’. As she strolls she passes a couple of men on the bank, fishing. They sit on little fold-out stools with their long rods already in place, bags containing packed lunch, flask, bait box, etc. She looks at them briefly as she passes – they stare at her, evidently more impressed by her than she is by them.
We cut between this shot, and photos of her which match up with what she’s saying in her voice-over.
We see photos of her as child, happy family snaps of a pretty little girl and her parents, high school prom shots of her with an all-American boy as she says - “I was born in New Jersey ... Had a very nice life. Good parents, nice boyfriends. No trauma of any kind...”
Back to her on the river-bank, talking direct to camera. “That’s not what brought me here...”
Shots of her at college, medical school, socialising with young men, her graduation. She looks great in all of them – never the Instagram model type, more the all-this-and-brains-too type, good looking, but better because we know she’s intelligent. “I studied hard, partied hard, graduated in the middle of my class. Got a job ... I’ve always been respectable.
Shots of her with a handsome young man, then wedding shots of them, then a map of globe – a dotted line plotting a course from the east coast of the USA to the south coast of Wales... “I specialised in audiology ... And I met Gareth at a conference in New York. I moved to be with him in Cardiff – and we’ve been together ever since.”
Back to her walking along the river-bank. No more photos, we’re now talking to her as she walks – her addressing the camera direct. “Gareth is a great doctor, but a pretty terrible husband ... I knew when I married him that I would have to be second to his work, but I didn’t expect to be second to his damn fishing!” She pokes a thumb backwards to the men fishing on the bank behind her. “And then with me in third place, I certainly didn’t expect him to find the time to cheat on me...”
Cut to her standing still by the river, in close-up, looking surprisingly relaxed and un-hurt considering the story she is telling. “I found out that he was having an affair with one of the nurses in his department. Hospitals are a great place to get easy sex, but a terrible place to keep secrets ... I know the nurse he’s been sleeping with – I used to consider her a friend ... When you’ve always been the good girl, it hurts to find out that the people around you, who you know and trust, have been unfaithful, or deceitful to you. He’s been claiming that he’s going fishing – then going to see her instead. So, I’m here today to get some revenge ... And to have some fun ... And to RUIN his hobby for him!”
We cut to a shot of her walking along the river-bank again, heading toward another angler a little further downstream. We hear her in voice-over again, narrating her own actions. “We’re going to see a friend of my husband – coincidently the husband of the nurse Gareth has been seeing ... To enjoy a little bit of kinky fun...” She raises a hand and becons us with a red fingernail to follow her.
As she walks, we swing around to look at the angler. He’s a slightly younger man, and wears a slightly hurt face. We hear him in voice-over now. His accent gravelly and Welsh. “I’m Dr James Thomas ... I’m a friend of Helen, and, until recently her husband, Gareth. We used to fish together ... Gareth and myself. Then he told me he was staying home to spend some quality time with his wife ... When he was really having ‘quality’ time with mine!”
Helen arrives next to him and he barely moves in his fold-out seat. They are both very conscious of the cameras pointing at them – and for the remainder of the sequence they seem fairly self-conscious about it. Conversation stilted, and all movements are played to the lens.
The American redhead talks to him rather than the camera, “Hello James ... Are we ready to have some fun?”
We cut to shot of James as his voice-over continues, “When Helen told me her plan I was a little disgusted ... But the more I thought about it, the more perfect it seemed ... We both get some revenge...”
As he talks Helen is beginning to strip off. Coat off and dropped onto the grass beside the track. Her sweater then peeled up over her head to reveal a red basque corset top that doesn’t belong under such a boring sweater (but does match her fingernails). Her boobs, big and round, are pushed up and forward by the lingerie – presenting them almost like a gift to anyone who gets the chance to see her.
James continues his voice-over, “And to be honest, I’ve always wanted to see Helen with her clothes off doing something ... Anything ... Disgusting!”
She continues, removing her jeans - unbuttoning and unzipping, then wriggling them over curvy hips to reveal red g-string panties that match the corset. It’s a nice sight. Pale, but very smooth, curvy – but mostly in the right places.
James continues, “Neither of our partners know that we know about them ... They won’t find out until they see this video!”
Helen sits back on the grass bank to untie her shoes and pull them off so she can pull the jeans over her feet. As she’s undressing, she speaks to the angler rather than the camera. “I’ve been getting more and more excited about this ... It was supposed to be something rude to spite him – but the closer we’ve got to today – the more I’ve wanted to do it for myself ... For pleasure ... And when these guys – “, she indicates the cameras, “ – said they would like to put this on the show ... Well, I couldn’t wait to get started!”
James smiles a little. “Well ... We’re ready and waiting for you...”
He reaches over the side of his chair, and pulls on a tube net that leads down into the water. We see a few fish twisting and flapping around. James continues, “It’s a bit strange actually trying to catch the smaller fish ... I had to keep reminding myself not to throw them back.”
Helen seems very happy to see the fish writhing in the net. “Oh my ... That’s so ... Real...” She looks up at the camera and smiles, “This is really happening...”
We cut to a shot of her sitting on the ground, propped up on her elbows, flattened grass around her bottom, her knees wide apart and up in the air, feet flat on the grass. She’s already holding a glistening brown trout – which wriggles around in her hands, doing its best to get away from her and back to the water, gasping hard for air.
She looks up at us and checks, “Do I just start now?” – and once she receives confirmation that she should, she simply lays back – holding the fish firmly in one hand, and reaches down with the other to pull the gusset of her g-string over to the side, exposing a very neat and tidy pair of pussy lips – with just a dot of red public hair above it.
She moves the fish toward her pussy, and lets its mouth, still gulping for air, touch her lips, pushing it gently between them – just millimetres deep – and sliding it up and down the crack ... Which immediately results in her letting out an excited little yelp, leaning back a little more, arching her back, and pushing her crotch forward toward the camera.
She slides the fish slowly up along her pussy lips until its mouth is against her slightly protruding clit. It continues to gasp and gulp for air, its mouth opening and closing, the lower ‘lip’ stroking across Helen’s clit – making her yelp just a little louder.
We cut to see her face – a broad smile, lips parted, big white teeth shining, her tongue poking out just a little as she takes pleasure from the fish’s touch.
“Oh my Gaaaaaad!” She gasps as she holds the wriggling fish in place.
Then she’s sliding it down her pussy lips again, pushing a little deeper, edging it toward vaginal opening itself, pushing in harder – making the head disappear up to the beady little eyes, pushing in and out ... Her whole body shakes, and she raises her hips again, tensing her stomach, shivering – as the young trout’s head disappears into her cunt.
“OOooooooohhhhh, myyyyyyyyy...” She gasps, letting her head fall back for a second, then bringing it up so we can still see her beautiful face – and that ecstatic grin.
She bends forward slightly, twisting her wrist, gripping that fish tightly, so that she can push it deeper – pulling it out a little before each push, wanking herself on the live cold-blooded animal. With its head in her cunt and its body gripped firmly, there’s not much chance for this one, but we can see from its tail that it’s still flapping around, trying to escape. We assume that the gulping and thrashing is continuing inside her body too – its head, clamped by her soft and warm vaginal walls on either side, must be the strangest environment it’s ever experienced...
And Helen continues to fuck herself - looking into our camera as she does it ... Her jaw fixed in a half smile, half gasp ... Pushing the fish in and out, now the front three or four inches of the smooth scaly beast held inside her pussy. In and out, in and out ... With her gasping and squeaking from the excitement of the moment. Mainly looking down at her own pussy to watch the fish going in and out, but occasionally looking back up into camera to let the viewers at home know that, “This feels sooooo nasty!” Her American accent really emphasizing the words ‘naaaAAAsty’.
We cut to a close-up of her pussy – watching the fish being slid in and out of her flesh. Every three or four strokes, Helen pulls it entirely out so we can see that it’s still gulping, its eyes building, gills flaring – still working left and right trying to escape her grip ... Failing - then being stuffed back in, mouth – then eyes, right to the gills, then held there and jiggled around a little.
The whole time, Helen is letting out little sqeaks and squeals of delight. “Oooohh, yeaaahhhh” and “Nasty...”
We cut to a wider shot, Helen at the bottom of frame, on the ground, on her back, propped up on one elbow, her other hand between her thighs, fucking herself with the fish, giggling and swearing – in the background, just down stream, a couple of fishermen minding their own business, unaware of what amazing sights are just out of view – and sitting behind her, with his line still in the water but definitely watching her rather than his float – Dr James.
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Series 3, Episode 10: Stacy On one side of the street a row of pre-War three-story buildings – shopfront downstairs, residential apartment/flats above. On the other side of the street, modern four/five level office buildings, and an old train station with a sign outside that reads, “Welcome to Enfield Chase”. We’re in North London to meet our next subject, and she’s a subject who’s worth meeting. Back to those shopfronts – one in particular – Hair By Hottinger. A modest hair and beauty...
Series 4, Episode 13: COLETTE We see that familiar opening sequence – various scenes of UK life, taken from the introductions to previous episodes – a field, a beach, a pub, a motorway ... And then we’re looking at something new... This time our drone camera is floating over a road in a nice suburb on a beautiful sunny day. High stone/brick walls separate nice houses from the pavement. Not too many cars driving by. We’re following a middle-aged woman as she jogs ... Well, it’s more of a...
We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a build-up inner city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking at a big boat crossing over a river – tourists leaning over the sides, taking pictures ... And finally we’re floating over the dull terraced houses and occasional grim tower-block of a northern English city. Over allotments, over a slow-moving river, dropping down toward a...
Series 8, Episode 16: Lily Parkinson (32), from Chester We pan over a couple of large wooden animal shapes – a rhino and a giraffe - open on a large sign that reads “Chester Zoo”, then pan down to the main gates, watching as an excited family enters the facility. A mini-montage shows us some of the animals – large lizards, chimpanzees, elephants, lions, and finally a pair of dingos ... Pausing on the final animals as one suddenly mounts the other and starts fucking her ... We cut to a...
Series 9, Episode 15: Ellen Rankin (60), from Stirling We fade in on a business park – a collection of small, modern, one and two story buildings, small well-kept shrubberies and flower-beds around them all, then narrow roads (double yellow lines on both sides to stop blockages) ... It’s a grey day and the roads and buildings look like they’ve been rained on very recently. We move along the road between two of these units, toward a particularly unimpressive and anonymous looking building –...
Series 5, Episode 5: Andrea Fereday (29) – Uxbridge We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space... Our cartoonish, top heavy image of Charley appears, floating infront of us, smiling and giggling, then waves for us to follow her ... Turns and dives toward the country at hyper-sonic speed – and we follow - dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading toward the south, toward London, then veering westward as we hurtle toward the ground ... Reaching ground level in...
We fade in in the middle of a quiet street, in the low-rise central area of a small midlands town, with one and two story buildings around us. To one side, a long flat warehouse/factory type unit, stocking and fitting tyres for local drivers, to the other, the town’s train station. Looking like a traditional old station, but rebuilt fairly recently. There’s a small car park between us and the station, and it’s almost full. We watch as a car drives down the road toward us, then turns into the...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a bright and classy business park – 2 and 3 level buildings with red and white facias, large black windows, small car parks... The car parks are mostly empty as we pan from one building to the next, and we realize that the sun is dropping in the background – it’s an evening shoot, and all of the workers have gone home for the day... We end our pan looking at the one building with cars/vans in the carpark. And then our host steps into...
Series 5, Episode 8: Patricia Grant (41) – Dagenham We open with our familiar high image of the United Kingdom – from high up in orbit ... The whole of the British Isles in one shot. Then our top-heavy cartoon character version of Charley, our host, appears infront of us ... She points down toward the landmass below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then waves and turns and falls toward the country at...
We start this week’s show with an establishing shot of a large, grey, concrete and glass building. Seven storeys high, each as boring and square as the last. If it wasn’t for the row of green trees planted in the wide pavement out front there wouldn’t be any colour here at all. We move toward the building and note that the ground floor windows are mirrored glass – briefly casting a reflection of our camera crew – as we approach a pair of glass double-doors. Stencilled on the glass, a very...
We open with our beautiful animation of the United Kingdom – from space ... Pause for a moment – then fall toward the planet at hyper-sonic speed, dropping from a low-Earth orbit – heading north, toward Scotland ... Reaching ground level in the countryside in seconds. From here we race north, approaching cartoon St Andrew’s flags indicating that we are entering Scotland. High speed overland, fading through to live action as we enter the outer suburbs of a city ... Then through the streets...
Series 5, Episode 6: Maria Sinclair (55) We open with an image of the United Kingdom – from high, high up ... The whole country in one shot. Then a very cartoonish, top heavy pouting caricature of our beloved Charley appears, floating in the sky with us ... She points down toward the country below and says, “Hey look ... It’s the United Kingdom of Zoo ... Let’s look closer and see what we can see...” She giggles, then turns and dives toward the country at super-sonic speed, dropping to sea...
Series 8, Episode 6: Simone Butt (27), from Bristol We open with an establishing shot of an impressive, modern brick and glass façade of a six-story office block on a busy street. Very clean, under a clear blue sky. We can see a figure approaching along the pavement, a slim lady with blonde hair. She’s wearing ripped blue jeans and a tight t-shirt, and her nice round boobs bounce on every step. It’s our Polish princess, Petra – and this week there’s no sign of her lovely Labrador. She...
We start this week’s show with establishing shots of a large allotment on a sunny day – lots of small gardens sectioned off from one another, middle aged men avoiding their families – growing flowers, vegetables, or just hiding in garden sheds – and then we’re looking at a large blue-grey Weimaraner ... Watching for a moment as he sniffs around the corner of a garden shed, then turns, cocks his leg, and pisses on it... And then, stepping out from behind the shed, catching a little of that...
Series 4, Episode 10: IMOGEN We’re looking at the beautiful English countryside – fields, stone walls, a few cows grazing ... Then we’re looking at a built-up inner-city street – big shop windows and hundreds of people walking by ... Then we’re looking down at a crowded street market – barrows selling everything from fresh fruit and veg, to handmade jewelry and knock-off designer handbags. Then we’re on the windswept sea-front of an old fashioned English resort town - windy, cold and rainy,...